Game of Thrones: Episode 29 & 30

Episode 29: The Rains of Castamere (The Red Wedding)

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Robb Stark is seeking counsel from his mother. They're all set to fuck shit up for Tywin Lannister. Robb and Catelyn make any amends that needed to be made following her release of Jaime Lannister. They're both ready to do what it takes to win this war. They break bread and salt in Walder Frey's house and are now under his protection. Robb. He wheels out his daughters and granddaughters, one whose name he's forgotten. They look like women who spend most of their day in a shelter for abused women. Robb turns on all the charm he has got to apologize and attempt to make amends. Walder Frey gives Talisa a once over, and then a twice, and a third. He knows she's pregnant already, and if she wasn't he'd have a go himself.

Daenerys is strategizing with her bunch of jealous men. She trust Grey Worm above any other and they have decided that Daario, Ser Jorah, and Grey Worm will take the city from behind.

Beyond the Wall, Sam the coward is still incredibly calm for a man who has watched a Whitewalker shatter to pieces. Gilly says he is some sort of wizard which makes him very happy as he told Jon Snow when they first met that he wanted to be a wizard. They are now in sight of the Wall which Gilly is seeing for the first time.

The Hound and Arya are on the road and come across a hog farmer who the Hound wants to kill. Arya gives him a good piece of her mind but pistol whips the guy to show her toughness.

Bran and co are getting close to the Wall but take shelter from the incoming storm. Meanwhile, Jon Snow and his band of wildlings have closed in on a horse breeder. They want to kill the old man and steal his horses. Jon Snow manages to warn him off so he can escape alive.

Arya can see The Twins. She is so close to her family that she is scared she won't make it. She's in no way afraid of the Hound but she has no problem telling him about his fear of fire and that she is going to kill him some day, again just to prove her toughness. These two could easily have a spin off road movie.

Bran's gang are in a small tower sheltering from the thunderstorm and Hodor is freaking a little. Outside, the horse farmer has been caught by the wildlings and Hodor is freaking out. Orell hears him but Bran enters Hodor in a warg sort of way and silences him. Everyone is stunned including Jojen who knows about this kind of shit. Orell goes to Tormund with his claims about shouting but Tormund brushes him off. Orell then wants Jon Snow to kill the farmer to prove he's one of them. Jon is unable to do the deed so Ygritte looses an arrow to kill the man and a fight begins. Jon and Tormund both save Ygritte and Bran slips inside the wolves skins to save Jon who escapes on horseback after killing Orell which everyone is happy about.

The three lads slip into Yunkai and have themselves a very short brawl in which their three distinct fighting styles are on show. When this is done they are set upon by another much bigger group and we are unsure of their fate but it doesn't look great. Later on they do come back having sacked the city and Daario Naharis receives all of Daenerys' plaudits, much to Ser Jorah's chagrin.

Back at The Twins, the wedding ceremony is about to commence and we see that Edmure's bride to be is actually smoking hot. The wedding itself is a very happy and nostalgic occasion.

Here is where Bran decides they are going to split up. Osha will take Rickon to the Last Hearth where the Umbers will protect them. Bran is going beyond the Wall with the Reeds to find the three eyed raven. Rickon makes it a very emotional goodbye. They leave right then.

The wedding looks like a great old time. Everyone is having fun including Roose Bolton who isn't even drinking. Robb and Talisa are flirting like the recently married couple that they are. The bedding takes place and the bride and groom are carried off to rub genitals. Edmure says something obnoxious about his penis. Roose Bolton is even more devoid of emotion that usual. Talisa says she wants to name the baby Eddard and they kiss on it. Catelyn looks on, finally accepting them as a couple and putting this bloody mess behind them finally.

A Frey son closes the doors to the hall and The Rains of Castamere begins to play. Catelyn looks on in horror and the direwolf scrapes outside. The Hound and Arya arrive but are quickly turned away as Arya manages to escape and hide. Catelyn is still looking around her inside when the music stops and Walder Frey begins to speak. Catelyn notices Roose Bolton is wearing chainmail and Catelyn slaps him across the face before one of the Freys stabs Lady Talisa repeatedly in the belly. All hell breaks loose as arrows rain down from where the musicians plays and everyone gets their throat slit. Catelyn and Robb both take arrows. Walder Frey drinks it all in.

Arya is oblivious to this outside excited to be going home - until everyone outside gets massacred including Robb's direwolf. Arya tries to steal a horse but gets knocked out by Sandor Clegane who carries her away unconscious.

Inside Catelyn is still alive but barely and so is Robb. Lady Talisa is even still holding on. Catelyn seizes her chance to grab Walder Frey's young wife and threatens to cut her throat if he doesn't let Robb walk out alive. She is a woman on the edge, thinking she has lost her entire family except Robb so far. Robb is on the cusp of death and Roose Bolton the scumbag finished the deed with a swift dagger to the heart. Catelyn opens the wifes throat as she lets out a bloodcurdling scream, stands in her grief and then has her own throat sliced open. We roll to silent ending credits.

Episode 30: Mhysa

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

arya red wedding

The final episode of season three opens in The Twins where the slaughter of north men continues as Roose Bolton looks on nonplussed. Banners burn and men die in various different ways. Robb Stark rides out on a horse as Frey men chant "The king in the north". They has sewn his direwolf's head onto his body as a final act of vulgarity. Arya sees all of this and can only look on horrified.

In King's Landing, Sansa Stark and Tyrion Lannister are getting on rather well. They both plot to punish the people who laugh at them, but not in cruel ways like Joffrey. Sansa doesn't even know the word shit. Tyrion is summoned to a small council meeting where Joffrey is positively beaming at the news from the Red Wedding. He's shut up quite quickly by his his father and uncle and even Lord Varys after he plans to serve Robb Stark's head to Sansa at his wedding feast. Pycelle is still acting the prick.

serve it to sansa at my wedding feast

After the other's are sent out, Tywin keeps Tyrion behind. He knows Tywin Lannister was the mastermind behind the Red Wedding. Tywin is all for protecting the family name still. It's quite sad. Tyrion says he will not rape Sansa in order to get her pregnant, but Tywin disagrees. He also tells Tyrion he wanted to kill him when he was born - not a very nice thing to say to your son. Tyrion then goes to Sansa, who has clearly heard the news so he leaves her be. All the work put into the marriage is gone down the drain again.

The Bran gang have found a place to stay and Bran tells a story that suggests he knows about the Red Wedding too although nothing is said for certain.

Walder Frey is eating again as the room where the Red Wedding took place is being scrubbed and Roose Bolton is the other half of the conversation. Roose Bolton is completely devoid of emotion. They are having a great laugh together. They talk of what happened at Winterfell and we finally find out that Theon's torturer is officially Roose Bolton's bastard, Ramsay Snow.

that's something the gods can't forgive

He is eating a pork sausage that looks suspiciously like the recently amputated penis of Theon Greyjoy. He is still being tortured, both mentally and physically. He begs to die but isn't even granted that. For a man who has already lost his penis, he somehow get more emasculated.

In the night, Bran is woken by a noise that turns out to be Samwell Tarly and Gilly. Sam figured out who Bran is and they all become friends. Sam begs them not to go north of the Wall but Bran claims many times that he has to nd Jojen Reed is his usual creepy self.

On the Iron Islands, Balon Greyjoy receives a letter from Ramsay Snow with a box attached carrying Theon's penis. Balon seems less bothered than he ought to be and decided to do nothing as Theon is use to him without a penis. Yarra is a little more forgiving and decides she is taking their 50 best men to the Dreadfort to root out Ramsay Snow and bring Theon Greyjoy home.

Sam passes around dragonglass as if it's cocaine to the group. He tells them how he killed the Whitewalker. Hodor is less than impressed. Sam warns them of all the dangers they face north of the Wall and they head off to what will almost certainly be their death.

Ser Davos Seaworth pays a visit to Gendry for a bit of a chat. They bond over the fact that they were both born in Fleabottom and they compete over who is lowerborn. Gendry explains why he trusted Melisandre. It had to do with the fact that she was naked.

you are a complication game of thrones

Shae is looking at the ships again when Varys creeps up on her. They chat for a minute before Varys gives her a large amount of diamonds to get out of the city and the country. Varys still has the interest of the realm at heart. He is hedging his bets on Tyrion to make the country right again and she is a complication. She tells him to go fuck himself in slightly kinder words.

Tyrion is drinking quite heavily with Podric who is struggling to keep up. Cersei enters and she is still miserable. She thinks having children will make everything better for everyone. She loves the memory of Joffrey and even current Joffrey can't take that away from her.

Some Frey men are laughing the woods as Arya and the Hound approach. They are talking about sewing the wolf's head onto Robb's body. Arya approaches in what is one of the finest scenes in the episode. She acts like a little orphan girl to curry favor with the four men before stabbing one repeatedly in the neck. The Hound dispatches the other three. She  now has the emotion presence of Roose Bolton.

tyrion lannister quotes

Jon Snow is washing his face when Ygritte creeps up on him with an arrow notched. He pleads with her and proclaims his love for her before making to leave. She hits him with an arrow in the back and another in the leg as he tries to climb his horse. He gets a third in the back as he tries to ride away and Ygritte continues to cry.

At Castle Black, Sam is trying to explain the situation to Maester Aemon which is difficult considering he is blind. He swears Gilly's child (now also named Sam) is not his. Gilly will be treated as a guest of the Night's Watch. Sam is told to write many letters.

Ser Davos is reading again with Stannis' daughter. He sees an interesting letter, the one that Sam sent. The bells toll and Davos goes to see why. The news of the Red Wedding has reached them. Davos hates the idea of blood magic and pleads with Stannis to stop. He will not stand by while Gendry gets murdered - so he releases him and sends him rowing away on his own. The chances of him getting away are quite slim.

Jon arrives back and Castle Black and falls off his horse. He's very near dead but coherent and you get the feeling that he will live.

In King's Landing, Jaime Lannister has returned through a side entrance with Brienne and Qyburn. No one recognises him as he walks through the city. The first person he goes to see is Cersei.

you know nothing jon snow

Back at Dragonstone, Stannis sentences Ser Davos Seaworth to death. Davos advises him against it as she shows him the news from beyond the Wall. It's enough to get Stannis and Melisandre interested, considering they saw the great battle in the snow. Davos' life is spared thanks to the Red God and Davos is in his debt. It is clear that Stannis is just a man listening to everything that Melisandre says.

Daenerys Targaryen has her army of Unsullied assembled outside Yunkai. She awaits the people former slaves of the city. She addresses the two hundred thousand or so former slaves and they chant "mhysa" meaning "mother". They love and worship her and she ends this season as she did season one, a force to be reckoned with. This time, instead of 3 baby dragons and Ser Jorah, she has 3 growing dragons, 2 knights, Daario Naharis, an army of 8,000 Unsullied and now 200,000 people who call her "Mother."