Game of Thrones: Episode 25 & 26

Episode 25: Kissed by Fire

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Tormund Giantsbane quotes
Thoros of Myr steps creepily into the light and talks to his god as all the men chant like cult followers. Beric Dondarrion steps into the ring with The Hound and lights his sword of fire with his blood because that is how he rolls. The Hound makes reasonably short work of him even with his fear of fire, chomping down through his collar bone a good twelve inches, damn near taking off his arm. Arya is distraught and attempts to kill The Hound while Thoros prays over Dondarrion's dead body. Beric then rises from death as if it's not big deal.

Beyond the Wall, Orelle and Jon Snow still aren't seeing eye to eye. Everyone, including Ygritte and Tormund Giantsbane issue casual death threats to each other, some more colorfully than others and then Ygritte runs off with Hon's sword. They run into a cave close by that just happens to be paradise. It also seems to be warm apparently as they both get very naked and jump into the plunge pool underneath the waterfall after they make what seems to be very sweet love. They also speak on their sexual history. Jon Snow doesn't have one. Ygritte is smitten and never wants to leave the cave.

The Hound wants his gold back before the Brotherhood lets him leave.

Olenna Tyrell quotes
Jaime Lannister is still in very bad shape as he is presented to Roose Bolton. Bolton seems to be far kinder than his previous captors, although he does play a very cruel trick on Jaime while recounting the story of the Battle of the Blackwater just for shits and giggles it would seem. Jaime is taken to Qyburn who was once a Maester, but had his chain stripped from him for malpractice. He is going to try and save Jaime arm without removing it. He screams very loudly.

Littlefinger is waylaid by Cersei Lannister who comes straight to her point. She issues some not-so-idle threats while telling Littlefinger to find some dirt on the Tyrells. She feels they do not have the crowns best interests at heart.

Lady Olenna Tyrell fills Tyrion in on what exactly moves her vowels. It is figs. They speak on the royal wedding and Tyrion is wondering who the fuck is going to pay for it. It would appear that Lady Olenna is very much on top of how much the Tyrells are providing to the war. She's quite disappointed at the fact that Tyrion isn't an alcoholic whoremonger. She agrees to pay for half the wedding and leaves.

Karstark last words
Gendry in mending Beric Dondarrion's armor. He says that he is going to stay on with the Brotherhood. Ever viewer starts to weep uncontrollably when Arya tells Gendry that she can be his family but it's not enough to convince him and it looks like they'll be parting ways.

Martin and Willem Lannister, the two boys that Edmure Tully captured are killed as they sleep by Lord Karstark and his men. They called it vengeance to kill these two boys. Robb is not fucking happy. Raickard Karstark blames it on Catelyn Stark. Robb hangs the four men and sends Rickard Karstark to the dungeon. It's hard not to blame the Tully's for this one. Everyone urges caution but Robb decides that in order to administer justice, Rickard Karstark must die. And die he does in the pissing rain. He wishes his last words to haunt Robb til the end of his days. This is quite the turning point.

Arya is praying her list of names of people she wishes to die. Thoros is drunk as usual. She's not too happy. Beric Dondarrion, the dead man who is not dead enters. Thoros has brought him back to life 6 times so far. Arya wonders if they could bring back her father. She misses him.

Someone else is praying to the Lord of Light. She seems to be a bit of a nutjob. Stannis enters. This is obviously his wife and she hasn't seen him in a long time. He wishes to tell her of his night of passion with Melisandre when they made the shadow monsters but she has already confided this in her. She is delighted that someone was able to give him a son - and then we see the fetuses in the jars. She has named them. Stannis wants to see his daughter. She sings rather beautifully but her the left side of her face is burned to shit. It may not be burned but there's definitely something wrong with it. She misses Ser Davos.

Brienne is taking a bath when Jaime enters and strips down. She's very worried when he wants to get into the same tub but he tells her he's not interested. They continue to be nasty to each other for a while and Brienne bares all in front of Jaime before he apologizes. Jaime starts his monologue in which he explains how he came to be called Kingslayer. He says that he urged the Mad King to surrender as he didn't trust his father to fight with them. When Tywin Lannister turned traitor and sacked the city, he urged them to surrender again. The Mad King wanted to burn every single person that they could with wildfire. First he killed the pyromancer and then the King. He continued to repeat "burn them all" as he died. He almost drowns then and pleads with Brienne to call him Jaime.

Jaime Lannister quotes
Stannis' daughter visits Ser Davos as they are friends. She offers to teach him how to read. She seems to be pretty smart.

Daenerys and her Unsullied are on the march. Ser Jorah and Barristan Selmy are talking of old battles. Dany speaks to the officers and seeks out the leader. It seems the Unsullied are very much on her side and totally have her back. Meanwhile, Ser Jorah is trying to figure out if Selmy knew that he had betrayed Daenerys back in the early days. They're still not entirely onside with each other completely.

Robb Stark is discussing battle tactics with his wife. The Karstarks have left his cause unsurprisingly. She urges him to go back home and retake Winterfell but he says that is not an option. He has lost half his men. Robb Stark has a bit of a brainwave. He is going to take Casterly Rock and he is going to use Walder Freys men to do it. This is the man who he broke his oath to. Surely it will end well.

Sansa and Margaery are becomming fast friends watching Ser Loras sparring. Before long he's shoving his sword into his squire who he had never met before. The squire is. of course, a spy for Littlefinger and now Littlefinger knows that Sansa is going to be wed to Ser Loras. He speaks to Sansa after to see if she still wants to go home. She wants to wait due to the danger supposedly. He takes the news quite well and for the first time in a very long time Sansa is happy.

Tyrion walks in to realize that he is meeting with Tywin and Cersei. She is gloating like a bitch. Littlefinger has confided in Cersei what Sansa's plan is and she in turn told Tywin. He has decided on his own plot to match the Tyrells. Tyrion is to marry Sansa. He is not at all impressed and names it cruel. Cersei is still positively beaming until Tywin turns to her and tells her she is marrying Ser Loras. Tywin is quite the evil bastard but he has come up with an incredible plan considers he has zero scruples. Tyrion will secure the north and Cersei will secure Highgarden.

Episode 26: The Climb

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Osha Meera Reed stick
Samwell Tarly is north of the Wall with Craster's daughter. He's very happy considering what has just happened him so far this season and because he's a craven. They make small talk and he's plainly in love. He tells her all about Castle Black. He sings a terrible song terribly.

Osha and Meera Reed are having a little bit of a competition for who is "woman of the house." Osha is better at skinning rabbits and Meera can kill them. Bran plays the little lord and attempts to broker a peace agreement between them. It's still not working but Jojen is having some form of a fit while having one of his visions. It doesn't bode well for Bran in the future. He saw Jon Snow but he was north of the Wall surrounded by enemies.

We go to Jon. They're getting ready to climb the Wall. Ygritte is very excited to see the world from the top of the Wall. They talk about the previous cunnilingus administered to Ygritte the other day. She knows that he hasn't just suddenly turned into a Wildling but she's ok with that as long as he is loyal to her. He promised to never betray her because she will cut his cock off.

Melissandre quotes Arya
Arya is loosing a few shafts and they seem perfect but Anguy tells her she's not as good as she thinks and then helps her a little. As she is about to loose another, someone arrives. It is the Lady Melisandre.  She speaks in High Valyrian with Thoros. She meets Beric Dondarrion and is very jealous that Thoros has been able to resurrect him so many times. She wants that power. Thoros tells his life story and how he came to believe in, the Lord of Light. Beric tells them that there is no other side, only darkness.

Outside Gendry is talking to Anguy about making a weapons when Melisandre arrives and they allow her to take Gendry away. For their troubles they receive two bags of gold. Arya is not fucking happy and neither is Gendry. He feels betrayed. Arya gives Melisandre a piece of her mind and Melisandre says they will meet again in a scary little sequence. Arya is alone again.

The climb has begun. Jon Snow is at the rear on the same rope as Tormund Giantsbane, Orelle, and Ygritte. They have their first scary moment and move on in good form.

Theon Greyjoy torture flaying
The Theon Greyjoy story continues and he is still being tortured. His torturer plays a guessing game with him, a bit like hangman except that he cuts off little pieces of his finger. He guesses him to be Rickard Karstark's son and is told he is right - for a second. He starts flaying him and Theon begs him to cut off his hand.

Robb Stark meets with two of Walder Frey's sons. He is demanding an apology, Harrenhal, and for Edmure Tully to marry one of his daughters. Edmure is completely against the idea but Robb and Blackfish compel him to to make amends for the stonemill fiasco. He is paying for Robb's sins.

Roose Bolton is hosting Brienne and Jaime for dinner. Brienne is wearing a dress. Bolton is trying to decide what to do with Jaime. He will send him to King's Landing as restitution for his maiming. Brienne will not go with him however. Neither are happy about it.

Olenna Tyrell Tywin Lannister Quotes
Tywin Lannister and Olenna Tyrell are having a meeting for the ages. They are insulting each others families and talked on gayness which makes Tywin's stomach turn. Jaime and Cersei's relationship is brought up. Tywin Lannister wins by threatening to name Loras Tyrell to the Kingsguard. Another genius stroke from a horrible bastard. Olenna consents.

The climb is still taking place on the Wall in a blizzard. A massive crack appears and it is terrifying. a huge chunk of wall falls off and Ygritte and Jon are dangling. Orelle starts to cut them loose but Jon manages to swing to relative safety and pull Ygritte up to a ledge. They take a couple of seconds to embrace after their brush with death and continue. Orelle is not happy.

Singular misery Tyrion Lannister quotes
Loras Tyrell and Sansa Stark are having a very awkward conversation. Loras is looking forward to the spectacle and not  the bride. They both agree on how awful King's landing is. Tyrion and Cersei are bonding over their mutual terrible futures. As usual, it's a great and very cutting conversation. We do find out something important and that is that it was Joffrey who ordered Tyrion killed on the Blackwater.

Sansa is in her bedchamber talking to Shae. She still thinks she is marrying Ser Loras until Tyrion enters. This is very awkward for him as he is in love with Shae but has to tell Sansa that he will be marrying her. Neither of them know anything yet.

Chaos is a ladder
Littlefinger has made his way closer to the throne. Varys and himself have the usual conversational duel. This is where it all starts going awry. Littlefinger shows how overly ambitious he is during his "Chaos" monologue. We sweep to Joffrey who has just put a good number of arrows through Ros in his bed chamber. Sansa is openly weeping wishing she could be anywhere else as Shae looks on trying to hold it together.

Back on the Wall, Ygritte has just made the top and Jon Snow follows after. They are bollocksed. Orelle looks on angrily. After a few moments Ygritte looks across the world she has lived in all of her life and Jon Snow shows her the one she has never seen on the other side. They kiss in what could be misconstrued as a happy ending. It is not.

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