Game of Thrones: Season 3

Episode 21: Valar Dohaeris

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Before winter's done, everyone you've ever known will be dead
Season 3 opens with a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of many men dying before dawn breaks beyond the Wall and we see Samwell Tarly attempting to run in a blizzard. He's doing a pretty good job considering his size but stops when he sees someone coming towards him. Except they are not coming towards him. It is a dead man with his own head in his hands. Another dead man creeps up behind Sam but Jon Snow's direwolf, Ghost rips him off before Lord Commander Mormont lights the dead man on fire. Mormont is furious that Sam hasn't sent the ravens. They all need to get back to the Wall to warn the world.

We begin again beyond the Wall but this time with Jon Snow who is entering the Wildling camp for the first time. He sees his first giant walking around like a normal person before absolutely pounding a stake into the frozen solid ground. People start pelting Jon with fruit and such as if food isn't hard enough to come by. Ygritte is having great fun making Jon shit his small clothes.

Still makes me more clever than you
He enters the tent and kneels in front of someone who is not Mance Rayder and everyone has a great laugh, including Tormund Giantsbane, the man pretending to be Mance. They exchange some pleasantries and some not-so-pleasantries before there is a threat to Jon's life. He thinks quickly, deciding he wanted to be free due to the fact that the Watch turns a blind eye on Craster and his practices. 

Back in King's Landing, Bronn is about to get fucked by a red haired lady. We're seeing our first set of boobs purely for the sake of it. Podric Payne enters and you can almost see Bronn's balls turn blue through his pants. Tyrion wants him. It is a matter of life or death.

Tyrion is holed up in a room. He has grown quite paranoid but, nonetheless, allows Cersei in following a brief exchange through the door. She wounds him with words as only she can. Tyrion is meeting with Tywin Lannister later and Cersei is wondering why. He still hasn't visited Tyrion after he got his face cut open. Cersei genuinely believes that anything she thinks is true, is true.

Bronn and the two Gold Cloaks standing outside Tyrion's door almost have themselves an altercation. Bronn and Tyrion go for a walk together and Bronn negotiates a raise for himself, doubling his wages. 

You are an ill made spiteful little creature
Ser Davos Seaworth wakes up on a rock. We have not seen him since the Battle of Blackwater Bay and presumed him to be dead. He is burned but will heal. A ship comes to save him and thankfully for him, they are men of Stannis. The pirate, Salladhor Saan,  is on board and they speak of losing sons. Stannis is still alive but he is licking his wounds, listening to Melisandre, and burning men alive. 

Robb Stark's army is on the march. They need a fight, not having had one in quite a while. Reaching Harrenhal, they see hundreds of dead bodies and horses, all northmen. You get the sense it is not a happy camp and that things are not going so well for Robb Stark.  One of the dead men is still alive. He is Qyburn.  

Tywin Lannister is scrawling a letter while Tyrion sits in silence. He is in no mood to talk, it would seem, unless it is to belittle Tyrion and tell him how ashamed he is. Certainly not to thank him for anything he has done. Tywin continues to play hard ball with Tyrion, who then drops the bombshell that he wants Casterly Rock as his son and lawful heir. Tywin loses his shit. He tells him there is absolutely no chance that he will be his heir. It seems it's still Tyrion's fault that his mother died during childbirth. He's not a very good father. Tyrion is surely deeply wounded by this. 
The truth is always either terrible or boring

Sansa and Shae are playing a game, watching the ships sail in and out of King's Landing. Littlefinger approaches. He's a scummy little scumbag. Shae retreats and stands with Ros. He lies about seeing Arya. Sansa is desperate to escape and Littlefinger claims he will try to help her. Behind them Ros and Shae strike up a conversation. Ros tells Shae to watch out for Sansa as Littlefinger is a dangerous bastard.

The dragons are growing and comfortable flying out over the sea. They are sailing Astapor to check out some slave soldiers. Daenerys is not too happy about it but she has no better ideas. The Dothraki are having trouble on a ship and getting sick. 

Ser Davos is left on the shore of Dragonstone and is granted an audience with Stannis, who appear to be suffering from a bout of depression and is underwhelmed by his return. He gives Melisandre some lip and then tries to kill her. He gets locked in the dungeons for his troubles. 

Death by fire is the purest death
In the narrow and depressed streets of Fleabottom in King's Landing, Joffrey is being carried through as is his wife to be, Margaery Tyrell. She orders them to halt and goes to visit an orphanage. She promises the little orphans all the help they need and proves that she has the common touch. 

Later in the evening they are at dinner together along with Ser Loras and Queen Cersei. It would appear that Joffrey is quite smitten and the Tyrells are quite flattering. Cersei is clearly not impressed and Joffrey is quite embarrassed by it all. Margaery is making it known just how important she has already become and this is not sitting well with Cersei.

Daenerys is in Astapor, a place where they speak Valyrian as opposed to the normal english. For this reason Krasns needs an incredibly hot translator to mince his words for him as he is a complete angry prick. We meet the Unsullied, an army of enslaved eunuchs who fell neither pain nor emotions. Krasns then goes down and cuts the nipple off one of the Unsullied who does not so much as flinch. She has until tomorrow to decide whether she will buy all 8,000 or not.
I am Barristan Selmy
After, she is being followed by a hooded man and following a little girl who wants to play ball. She catches the ball and is told to open it but the hooded man knocks it free. It was sent from the warlocks to kill her. None other than Ser Barristan Selmy was the hooded man who saved her. He asks her forgiveness and asks that he may join her Queen's Guard.

Some more great moments from Valar Dohaeris:

(Click on the images for larger view)

Episode 22: Dark Wings, Dark Words

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Bran is running through the woods. That's right, Bran is running. That's how we know it's a dream. He sees the usual three eyed raven and takes aim with his bow. He misses of course. We now hear that he has hit puberty since the last season. He sees a guy he's never seen before who tells him the raven is him and then he wakes up. Osha knows what's going on but it all scares her a lot and she shuts him up.
Robb is staring into the fire again. He's having serious problems, made a little easier by making out with his wife. Roose Bolton comes in with two messages, both bad news. Catelyn's father is dead and they finally find out that Winterfell has been torn to pieces and Bran and Rickon are missing. No one knows where Theon is either.

We, of course, see him next, tied up and naked in a somewhat crucifix form. He gets tortured.

Brienne and Jaime are still having a gay old time. Brienne even watches Jaime piss. She is doing very well to hold her tongue because Jaime never shuts up. Jaime starts to make a small bit of sense through all of his ramblings. A man sees them and Jaime wants to kill him because he knows who he is but Brienne decides him to be an innocent man and lets him pass. 
Joffrey is being fitted in robes and Cersei is trying to bend his ear. She is trying to turn him against Margaery Tyrell and Joffrey decides he doesn't need to listen to it.

Sansa and Shae are discussing Littlefinger. Shae thinks he's looking for her maidenhead but Sansa decides he's just being nice. Loras Tyrell, the Knight of Flowers enters, and escorts Sansa to meet with Margaery and her grandmother, Lady Olenna, in the garden. She is a sharp tongued but wise woman and is not afraid to speak her mind. She asks Sansa to tell her the truth about Joffrey. She is afraid to at the beginning but soon loosens her tongue, breaks down and tells the truth. The Tyrell women seem to be unperturbed.

Lord Karstark is airing his grievances still. He seems to be quite unhappy with the distraction of attending Hoster Tully's funeral. Catelyn and Robb's wife have a conversation that is absolutely silly and not anywhere in the book and so I will not get into it. 

We move to Jon Snow beyond the Wall. He is making friends with Mance Rayder. He has formed this army of misfits as he believes they are all going to die if they don't get south. They get to Tormund Giantsbane and a new man, Orelle, who can get into the mind of animals and act as them. This is what we believe Bran can do too. Orelle has seen dead crows through the eyes of his eagle.

These crows are on the march. Rast is goading Sam into giving up and dying. Lord Commander Mormont eventually handles the situation by forbidding Sam to die and they attempt to continue the trek back to the Wall.

Bran is sleeping again. He seems to sleep more than he does wake which is strange for a guy who can't even walk. The boy from his dreams comes into camp with his sister. They are Jojen and Meera Reed and it would appear they have a way with animals. They have come a long way to find Bran.

Gendry and Arya are still alive and on the move with Hot Pie. They get found by a gang who we find to be the Brotherhood Without Banners that we have heard so much about. Their leader is Thoros of Myr. Anguy seems to be quite good with a bow and arrow.

Shae is in Tyrion's bedchamber again and he is very worried that she will be killed. Shae imparts her knowledge of Littlefinger and Ros' warning. Shae is quite jealous of other women it would seem. Then they make good sex, presumably.

Margaery Tyrell enters Joffrey's quarters. He is playing with his favorite toy, which is not his penis oddly
enough. It is his crossbow. He will be going hunting. He is also spoiling for trouble by grilling Margaery as to why she married a traitor. She turns it on its head and informs Joffrey that Renly was gay. The one evening they tried, apparently, he tried to put it in her ass. She is good. She is willing to do all that it takes. Margaery feigns interest in Joffrey's crossbow and they look like quite the dangerous couple.

Theon Greyjoy is getting a bad going over with screws threaded through his foot. It seems he has someone who will help him to escape after dark. Apparently his sister sent this man to save him while the castle sleeps. You would almost feel sorry for Theon.

Bran, Rickon et al are on the road again and Jojen is explaining to Bran that he is a warg. He can also see things that haven't happened yet or happened before he was born or happening right now thousands of miles away. Osha really doesn't like any of this. Bran appears to be hot shit though. He is the only one thing that matters.

Thoros of Myr is drunk and enjoying himself. Arya is talking up her fighting skills and is obviously disarmed quite easily by Thoros. Arya has been shamed and wants to leave. Just before they leave, some more of the Brotherhood enter. They have captured The Hound. He recognized Arya and this is trouble for her as she is no longer allowed to leave.

Brienne and Jaime need to cross a bridge and risk being seen when Jaime stops and manages to steal a sword from Brienne. She has two swords and they are going to fight. Brienne manages to subdue him reasonably easily, probably due to the fact that he is out of practice but she may well be the better fighter too. As they finish they are set upon by a band of men on horses. The man who saw them earlier has led them to the Kingslayer. Looks like they will both be taken prisoner.

Episode 23: Walk of Punishment

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Catelyn Stark quotes crying
 We are at Riverrun as the Blackfish and Robb Stark sent Hoster Tully's body down the river in a boat. His son, Edmure is responsible for sending the arrow that lights the boat on fire and sends him into the next world. He turns it into quite the embarrassing spectacle and misses three times before his uncle takes over and shows him how it's done.

Inside Edmure tries to give Robb counsel and gets shot down again. He seems to be quite the fuck up and made a major mistake in a battle with Tywin Lannister, surrendering The Mountain when he could have had his head on a spike. Instead they have a couple of distant relatives who are just boys. King Robb puts him in his place.

The aforementioned Tywin Lannister has assembled a small council meeting with the usual suspects - and Tyrion. Cersei also attends. It's all quite awkward and silent except when Tyrion drags his chair across the floor, which is the equivalent to Cersei of him dragging his sack across her face. No one knows where Jaime Lannister is. Littlefinger will be leaving to attempt to wed Lysa Arryn, leaving a gaping hole in the Master of Coin department, a void which Tyrion is ordered to fill.

Tyrion Lannister quotes
Gary Lightbody makes his guest appearance and Jaime and Brienne squabble back to back on top of a horse. Jaime tells Brienne what is ahead of her when they make camp and how much raping she is in for. He seems worried about her in his own way.

Gendry is helping Thoros of Myr and Arya is none too pleased. She also hates The Hound and tells him as much. Hot Pie has decided he's staying at the inn. Arya's little family is breaking up again.

Catelyn Stark is talking shite again, this time to the Blackfish, her uncle. He had a strained relationship with his brother. Catelyn will never see Bran and Rickon again but Robb believes they're alive.

Robb's wife is looking after the two Lannister young lads that Edmure captured, tending to their wounds. She's having a bit of a laugh with them.

Mance rayder quotes
Beyond the Wall, Mance Rayder has stumbled across another camp of severely dismembered dead horses. No men. All of the men that were there are now blue eyed corpses. Mance commands Tormund to climb the Wall and take Jon Snow with him.

The men of the Night's Watch that remain have made it back to Craster's Keep. They are almost frozen and starving. Craster is still an asshole. He allows them to come in but only feeds them bread and claims to be a godly man. He also managed to get a fat joke in Sam's direction which sends him out into the cold. Gilly is in the process of giving birth. It's a boy. Uh oh.

Theon is still hanging up when his new friend comes to save him. he takes him down and sends him off on a horse in the right direction. Yarra is waiting for him.

Back on Dragonstone, Melisandre is leaving on a quest and Stannis fears abandonment. He also wants to get laid again but Melisandre is holding out. The Lord of Light demands sacrifices.

Daenerys in on the walk of punishment where slaves are crucified every few yards. She tries to help one. Ser
There's a beast in every man
Barristan Selmy wishes her to leave Astapor but Ser Jorah thinks they should buy the Unsullied. He makes a good point. Selmy makes an equally good point and Daenerys struggles to make a decision. She claims to be the last dragon. In the next scene Daenerys decides she wants all of the Unsullied but does not have the money and so offers a dragon. Both of her knights beg her to reconsider. She will give the biggest dragon for all of the Unsullied in Astapor along with Missandei, the translator.

Ros is showing as much of her tits to Podric Payne but he isn't showing too much interest as she hands him the royal ledgers and Tyrion and Littlefinger make an exchange. Bronn is outside consorting with whores. They both decided what Podric's reward should be for saving Tyrion's life. He offers her three whores and Podric doesn't know what to do with himself. He leaves him with a pouch of gold coins. There follows a great scene after, where Podric comes back with the pouch, claiming that the whores wouldn't take the money. Tyrion also explains the basics of banking.

jaime lannister hand
Theon is still on the run and has been followed. He looks to be in trouble but the guy who helped him to escape saves his life again. He is a skilled archer and he is going to bring him back to his sister.

Very shortly after Theon is very nearly raped, Brienne is fighting her way out of a raping herself but is losing. Jaime, of all people, comes to her aid using his words and some lies in order to spare her maidenhood. He also manages to curry favor with his captors. They even go so far as to unchain him from his tree and offer him some food. Then it all turns sour for Jaime as they kneel him in from of a tree stump and chop his fucking hand off.

Episode 24: And Now His Watch Is Ended

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

varys quotes influence
 We open with Jaime Lannister having serious trouble living and his captors are enjoying making cruel japes at his expense. They apparently give him horse piss to drink and threaten to stick his severed hand up his arse. He fights back as does Brienne but it's very much a failed attempt.

Tyrion Lannister has entered Varys room as he is trying to open a crate of some form. Tyrion wants proof that there was an attempt on his life at the Battle of the Blackwater. Instead Varys tells him the story of how he was cut. It was a Sorcerer and as always their conversation goes around in circles. They speak of revenge and it all gets rather dark as Varys says what he has done in order to seek his revenge. Who should be in the crate only the Sorcerer who cut him all those years ago.

Beyond the Wall the men of the Night's Watch and Rast is speaking of mutiny. Gilly is inside with her crying baby boy. Sam is annoyingly calm for a man who is supposed to be craven. She wants Sam to save her son and he looks thoroughly befuddled.

Bran is running through the woods again and climbing trees. He wakes up just after his mother knocks him out of a tree. That's it. That's the scene.

Ros and Varys are discussing the extraordinary sexploits of one Podric Payne. She is clearly one of Varys' little birds again. She doesn't think Littlefinger has lost interest in Sansa Stark.

Lady Olenna quotes
Joffrey is getting a stalk telling Margaery about all of the death that befell the Targaryens. Cersei and Lady Olenna Tyrell about the pending nuptials and ceremony. Margaery is slowing winning Joffrey over with her incredibly fake words and it is riveting to watch. she can convince him to do almost anything already, including standing in front of his people.

Theon Greyjoy is supposedly on the way to Deepwood Motte with his Savior. They talk and get along. Theon is feeling sorry for himself which makes sense. He claims he could never be a Stark and yet he decides that Ned Stark was his real father. He regrets all he's done since he left Winterfell and it's about to get much worse for him and his Savior has led him right back to his torture chamber. It's impossible to understand why.

Brienne tells Jaime he needs to eat but Jaime decides he is dying and doesn't care about revenge. She tells him that he sounds like a woman as if it is the most repulsive thing one could be and he eats. She wonders why he saved her from being raped.

Cersei is having an audience with her father and as usual he is not being very receptive and what not. She is wondering why she can't contribute to his legacy. Her contribution - the Tyrells are a problem. He says that she has no control over Joffrey and he claims that he will.

Lord Varys quotes
Lady Olenna is complaining again about about how pussy her house is when Varys arrives.  She has taken an interest in Sansa Stark and Varys wants to know why. Or maybe that's not the real reason. He wants Sansa to marry Loras Tyrell before Littlefinger gets the chance to.

Cue Margaery Tyrell to creep up on Sansa while she is praying. She tries to make friends. She tells her a story that is blatantly not true. Sansa, being an idiot, falls for it. They don't kiss. They don't even come close but all males wished they did. She floats the idea of marrying Loras and them being sisters which pleases Sansa no end.

The Night's Watch lose another man to starvation. Rast is still very unhappy. He dreams of ham and potatoes. Inside Craster is being a prick again. One of the men give him some lip and Rast joins in. He claims to be a godly man. Everyone's blood is up at this point and then all hell breaks loose. First Craster is killed and then Rast sticks his sword straight through the Lord Commanders back. The Watch is gone fucking insane. Sam slips outside and runs with Gilly and her infant son.

Thoros of Myr and the Brotherhood have brought Arya, Gendry and The Hound to a cave. Beric Dondarrion is in this cave and he will be delivering the King's Justice. They accuse him of murder and sentence him to trial by combat.
Daenerys Targaryen quotes

Daenerys, as usual, looks like she isn't fucking about. She's her to deliver her dragon and buy her Unsullied. Obviously she has tricked everyone and speaks Valyrian all along. She orders her new soldiers to slay their masters and her dragon bakes Kraznys Mo Naklos alive. They lay waste to the entire city for good measure. She frees every single one of them before asking them to fight for her and marches off with her 8,000 men-who-are-not-men in toe. She is now a formidable threat and a very sexy one.

Episode 25: Kissed by Fire

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Tormund Giantsbane quotes
Thoros of Myr steps creepily into the light and talks to his god as all the men chant like cult followers. Beric Dondarrion steps into the ring with The Hound and lights his sword of fire with his blood because that is how he rolls. The Hound makes reasonably short work of him even with his fear of fire, chomping down through his collar bone a good twelve inches, damn near taking off his arm. Arya is distraught and attempts to kill The Hound while Thoros prays over Dondarrion's dead body. Beric then rises from death as if it's not big deal.

Beyond the Wall, Orelle and Jon Snow still aren't seeing eye to eye. Everyone, including Ygritte and Tormund Giantsbane issue casual death threats to each other, some more colorfully than others and then Ygritte runs off with Hon's sword. They run into a cave close by that just happens to be paradise. It also seems to be warm apparently as they both get very naked and jump into the plunge pool underneath the waterfall after they make what seems to be very sweet love. They also speak on their sexual history. Jon Snow doesn't have one. Ygritte is smitten and never wants to leave the cave.

The Hound wants his gold back before the Brotherhood lets him leave.

Olenna Tyrell quotes
Jaime Lannister is still in very bad shape as he is presented to Roose Bolton. Bolton seems to be far kinder than his previous captors, although he does play a very cruel trick on Jaime while recounting the story of the Battle of the Blackwater just for shits and giggles it would seem. Jaime is taken to Qyburn who was once a Maester, but had his chain stripped from him for malpractice. He is going to try and save Jaime arm without removing it. He screams very loudly.

Littlefinger is waylaid by Cersei Lannister who comes straight to her point. She issues some not-so-idle threats while telling Littlefinger to find some dirt on the Tyrells. She feels they do not have the crowns best interests at heart.

Lady Olenna Tyrell fills Tyrion in on what exactly moves her vowels. It is figs. They speak on the royal wedding and Tyrion is wondering who the fuck is going to pay for it. It would appear that Lady Olenna is very much on top of how much the Tyrells are providing to the war. She's quite disappointed at the fact that Tyrion isn't an alcoholic whoremonger. She agrees to pay for half the wedding and leaves.

Karstark last words
Gendry in mending Beric Dondarrion's armor. He says that he is going to stay on with the Brotherhood. Ever viewer starts to weep uncontrollably when Arya tells Gendry that she can be his family but it's not enough to convince him and it looks like they'll be parting ways.

Martin and Willem Lannister, the two boys that Edmure Tully captured are killed as they sleep by Lord Karstark and his men. They called it vengeance to kill these two boys. Robb is not fucking happy. Raickard Karstark blames it on Catelyn Stark. Robb hangs the four men and sends Rickard Karstark to the dungeon. It's hard not to blame the Tully's for this one. Everyone urges caution but Robb decides that in order to administer justice, Rickard Karstark must die. And die he does in the pissing rain. He wishes his last words to haunt Robb til the end of his days. This is quite the turning point.

Arya is praying her list of names of people she wishes to die. Thoros is drunk as usual. She's not too happy. Beric Dondarrion, the dead man who is not dead enters. Thoros has brought him back to life 6 times so far. Arya wonders if they could bring back her father. She misses him.

Someone else is praying to the Lord of Light. She seems to be a bit of a nutjob. Stannis enters. This is obviously his wife and she hasn't seen him in a long time. He wishes to tell her of his night of passion with Melisandre when they made the shadow monsters but she has already confided this in her. She is delighted that someone was able to give him a son - and then we see the fetuses in the jars. She has named them. Stannis wants to see his daughter. She sings rather beautifully but her the left side of her face is burned to shit. It may not be burned but there's definitely something wrong with it. She misses Ser Davos.

Brienne is taking a bath when Jaime enters and strips down. She's very worried when he wants to get into the same tub but he tells her he's not interested. They continue to be nasty to each other for a while and Brienne bares all in front of Jaime before he apologizes. Jaime starts his monologue in which he explains how he came to be called Kingslayer. He says that he urged the Mad King to surrender as he didn't trust his father to fight with them. When Tywin Lannister turned traitor and sacked the city, he urged them to surrender again. The Mad King wanted to burn every single person that they could with wildfire. First he killed the pyromancer and then the King. He continued to repeat "burn them all" as he died. He almost drowns then and pleads with Brienne to call him Jaime.

Jaime Lannister quotes
Stannis' daughter visits Ser Davos as they are friends. She offers to teach him how to read. She seems to be pretty smart.

Daenerys and her Unsullied are on the march. Ser Jorah and Barristan Selmy are talking of old battles. Dany speaks to the officers and seeks out the leader. It seems the Unsullied are very much on her side and totally have her back. Meanwhile, Ser Jorah is trying to figure out if Selmy knew that he had betrayed Daenerys back in the early days. They're still not entirely onside with each other completely.

Robb Stark is discussing battle tactics with his wife. The Karstarks have left his cause unsurprisingly. She urges him to go back home and retake Winterfell but he says that is not an option. He has lost half his men. Robb Stark has a bit of a brainwave. He is going to take Casterly Rock and he is going to use Walder Freys men to do it. This is the man who he broke his oath to. Surely it will end well.

Sansa and Margaery are becomming fast friends watching Ser Loras sparring. Before long he's shoving his sword into his squire who he had never met before. The squire is. of course, a spy for Littlefinger and now Littlefinger knows that Sansa is going to be wed to Ser Loras. He speaks to Sansa after to see if she still wants to go home. She wants to wait due to the danger supposedly. He takes the news quite well and for the first time in a very long time Sansa is happy.

Tyrion walks in to realize that he is meeting with Tywin and Cersei. She is gloating like a bitch. Littlefinger has confided in Cersei what Sansa's plan is and she in turn told Tywin. He has decided on his own plot to match the Tyrells. Tyrion is to marry Sansa. He is not at all impressed and names it cruel. Cersei is still positively beaming until Tywin turns to her and tells her she is marrying Ser Loras. Tywin is quite the evil bastard but he has come up with an incredible plan considers he has zero scruples. Tyrion will secure the north and Cersei will secure Highgarden.

Episode 26: The Climb

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Osha Meera Reed stick
Samwell Tarly is north of the Wall with Craster's daughter. He's very happy considering what has just happened him so far this season and because he's a craven. They make small talk and he's plainly in love. He tells her all about Castle Black. He sings a terrible song terribly.

Osha and Meera Reed are having a little bit of a competition for who is "woman of the house." Osha is better at skinning rabbits and Meera can kill them. Bran plays the little lord and attempts to broker a peace agreement between them. It's still not working but Jojen is having some form of a fit while having one of his visions. It doesn't bode well for Bran in the future. He saw Jon Snow but he was north of the Wall surrounded by enemies.

We go to Jon. They're getting ready to climb the Wall. Ygritte is very excited to see the world from the top of the Wall. They talk about the previous cunnilingus administered to Ygritte the other day. She knows that he hasn't just suddenly turned into a Wildling but she's ok with that as long as he is loyal to her. He promised to never betray her because she will cut his cock off.

Melissandre quotes Arya
Arya is loosing a few shafts and they seem perfect but Anguy tells her she's not as good as she thinks and then helps her a little. As she is about to loose another, someone arrives. It is the Lady Melisandre.  She speaks in High Valyrian with Thoros. She meets Beric Dondarrion and is very jealous that Thoros has been able to resurrect him so many times. She wants that power. Thoros tells his life story and how he came to believe in, the Lord of Light. Beric tells them that there is no other side, only darkness.

Outside Gendry is talking to Anguy about making a weapons when Melisandre arrives and they allow her to take Gendry away. For their troubles they receive two bags of gold. Arya is not fucking happy and neither is Gendry. He feels betrayed. Arya gives Melisandre a piece of her mind and Melisandre says they will meet again in a scary little sequence. Arya is alone again.

The climb has begun. Jon Snow is at the rear on the same rope as Tormund Giantsbane, Orelle, and Ygritte. They have their first scary moment and move on in good form.

Theon Greyjoy torture flaying
The Theon Greyjoy story continues and he is still being tortured. His torturer plays a guessing game with him, a bit like hangman except that he cuts off little pieces of his finger. He guesses him to be Rickard Karstark's son and is told he is right - for a second. He starts flaying him and Theon begs him to cut off his hand.

Robb Stark meets with two of Walder Frey's sons. He is demanding an apology, Harrenhal, and for Edmure Tully to marry one of his daughters. Edmure is completely against the idea but Robb and Blackfish compel him to to make amends for the stonemill fiasco. He is paying for Robb's sins.

Roose Bolton is hosting Brienne and Jaime for dinner. Brienne is wearing a dress. Bolton is trying to decide what to do with Jaime. He will send him to King's Landing as restitution for his maiming. Brienne will not go with him however. Neither are happy about it.

Olenna Tyrell Tywin Lannister Quotes
Tywin Lannister and Olenna Tyrell are having a meeting for the ages. They are insulting each others families and talked on gayness which makes Tywin's stomach turn. Jaime and Cersei's relationship is brought up. Tywin Lannister wins by threatening to name Loras Tyrell to the Kingsguard. Another genius stroke from a horrible bastard. Olenna consents.

The climb is still taking place on the Wall in a blizzard. A massive crack appears and it is terrifying. a huge chunk of wall falls off and Ygritte and Jon are dangling. Orelle starts to cut them loose but Jon manages to swing to relative safety and pull Ygritte up to a ledge. They take a couple of seconds to embrace after their brush with death and continue. Orelle is not happy.

Singular misery Tyrion Lannister quotes
Loras Tyrell and Sansa Stark are having a very awkward conversation. Loras is looking forward to the spectacle and not  the bride. They both agree on how awful King's landing is. Tyrion and Cersei are bonding over their mutual terrible futures. As usual, it's a great and very cutting conversation. We do find out something important and that is that it was Joffrey who ordered Tyrion killed on the Blackwater.

Sansa is in her bedchamber talking to Shae. She still thinks she is marrying Ser Loras until Tyrion enters. This is very awkward for him as he is in love with Shae but has to tell Sansa that he will be marrying her. Neither of them know anything yet.

Chaos is a ladder
Littlefinger has made his way closer to the throne. Varys and himself have the usual conversational duel. This is where it all starts going awry. Littlefinger shows how overly ambitious he is during his "Chaos" monologue. We sweep to Joffrey who has just put a good number of arrows through Ros in his bed chamber. Sansa is openly weeping wishing she could be anywhere else as Shae looks on trying to hold it together.

Back on the Wall, Ygritte has just made the top and Jon Snow follows after. They are bollocksed. Orelle looks on angrily. After a few moments Ygritte looks across the world she has lived in all of her life and Jon Snow shows her the one she has never seen on the other side. They kiss in what could be misconstrued as a happy ending. It is not.

Episode 27: The Bear and the Maiden Fair

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Jon Snow and his wildling gang are about a week from Castle Black, by his reckoning. He seems very pleases with himself. Amazing what love will do for a man. Orelle is acting the bollocks and Jon isn't impressed. It seems that he's taken quite a fancy to Jon's Ygritte.

Robb Stark is on the move but the rain is hampering movement and dampening spirits it would seem. Not passions though as himself and his wife still seem to have lots of sex. Immediately after sex Talisa begins to write a letter. This is her way of beginning to tell him that she's pregnant.This is a bit of a game changer. It's a very strange moment, much less happy than it should be which probably has to do with the thunderstorm raging outside.

Tormund Giantsbane is giving Jon Snow unwanted lessons on how to have sex. Orelle is telling Ygritte that she should be with him. If he wasn't such a wanker, he'd be quite convincing. Ygritte says she loves Jon.

Sansa is still crying and you have to wonder how she can have any tears left. Margaery Tyrell is the one listening this time. Margaery is telling her to make the most of what she has. Her son, for example, could be Lord of both Casterly Rock and Winterfell. Sansa is afraid about the sex part. Margaery basically tells her how big a slut she is.

Tyrion is talking to Bronn about how Sansa is too young for him. Bronn doesn't see the problem. The discussion, as usual, takes place with some wine and vulgarity.

Tywin Lannister has been summoned in front of his grandson who sits on the throne. Joffrey tries to exert his authority and Tywin doesn't give him much time for his insolence. Tywin claims not to be worried about Daenerys and her dragons.

She and her counsel of Ser Jorah and Ser Barristan are staring at Yunkai, a slave city they are considering an attack on. It seems Daenerys is on a warpath to end slavery. She is the Abe Lincoln of the show. She summons the chief slaver to her to accept their surrender. He's a creepy looking prick and you'd wonder how he could be master over other humans. He gets pretty spooked by the dragons. Daenerys looks quite regal and a little smug. She also looks incredible in white. The Yunkai offer her any gold and ships she desires provided she doesn't sack their city. She wants them to release all the slaves and there is obviously no agreement.

Tyrion has bought Shae some jewellery. She is not at all happy about this upcoming marriage. He isn't either making all sorts of promises to her but they don't seem to matter.

Melisandre and Gendry are sailing past King's Landing. She tells him that his blood is noble and gendry is still fucking clueless to the idea so she finally gives in and tells him that he is King Robert's bastard.

Arya is sad and angry. Beric Dondarrion and Thoros don't seem overly bothered by their betrayal. They have found a Lannister raiding party and are going in the wrong direction. Arya runs away as she thinks they'll never bring her to Riverrun. They don't manage to find her again - but The Hound does.

Jaime is getting ready to leave for King's Landing again. Brienne is worried about her future but more worried that Jaime won't keep his word to return the Stark girls home. They part on good terms with Brienne calling him Ser Jaime for the first time.

Theon Greyjoy has a bizarre and stupid scene where he is allowed to get his throat and dick wet for a minute. The torturer comes in at the wrong time to ruin Theon's life again. We aren't shown the act but we are pretty sure that Theon will not have his famous penis the next time we see him.

Ygritte thinks that a windmill is a palace. She doesn't know what swooning or fainting is. Jon tells her there's no way the wildlings can win. He's very sad about it but feels he needs to tell her. She reminds him that he is a Wildling now too and for some reason she's very turned on by the whole conversation.

In the hills, Osha is talking to Hodor who isn't the greatest for conversation. She is not a fan of magic at all. They're not going to Castle Black anymore and Jojen now wants to go beyond the Wall to find the raven. Bran agrees but Osha does not. She is terrified to go beyond the Wall again. Her ex boyfriend turned into a dead man and came back to kill her is the reason why.

Qyburn is looking after Jaime on his trip back. Qyburn got his chain taken away from him so he could perform experiments. Jaime finds out that Brienne life may be in danger because of a lie he told while previously trying to save her from getting raped. He returns to Harrenhal where Brienne is literally in a bear pit with a wooden sword. Jaime jumps into the pit with her even with his one hand. With a little help, they both manage to escape from the pit with their lives. Jaime has done something noble and quite selfless.

Episode 28: Second Sons

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

The Hound quotes

Arya wakes up next to a big rock and decides she wants to put it through Sandor Clegane's face. It doesn't work out very well for her and they ride away. Her opinion of The Hound doesn't quite change but she is certainly happy that he is bringing her to the Twins to get a ransom from Robb and Catelyn. Her spirits have lifted at least.

The men protecting Yunkai are called the Second Sons led by the Titan's Bastard. They are a group of 2,000 sellswords. The Titan's Bastard has quite the mouth on him. Daario Naharis seems like a much more interesting and interested character. Daenerys gives them an ultimatum and they leave to think on it. Daenerys' three men are all quite offended by the Titan's Bastard.

Gendry has arrived on Dragonstone. Stannis gives him the once over and is not impressed. Stannis knows what Melisandre plans to do with Gendry but is not sure how he feels about it. Davos Seaworth is having trouble reading in his dungeon when Stannis comes to visit. He means to tell him all of what Melisandre plans to do because he knows it's the wrong thing to do. He is going to free Davos and Davos sees through the whole thing. He urges caution. Stannis tells him of his vision in the flames. He truly believes the Lord of Light is real.

Forgive me your grace, i am not a lettered man
The Titan's Bastard, Daario Naharis, some native American looking man, and a whore a trying to decide what they should do. They decide they're going to slip into Daenerys' tent tonight and kill her so that they won't have to deal with the Unsullied. Daario Naharis draws the coin.

Sansa is visited by Tyrion Lannister. They have quite the awkward conversation where Tyrion tries to make everything alright. It's never going to be alright. They are ready to go to their wedding.

Margaery is attempting to woo Cersei downstairs. It doesn't go well. Cersei tells her the story of the Rains of Castamere and issues a not-so-idle threat. The wedding begins and Joffrey has to give Sansa away. He's certainly a sadistic little bastard, playing a rather cruel trick on his uncle ensuring the wedding is even more awkward that it was in the first place.

If you ever call me sister again I'll have you strangled in your sleep

Gendry is in his dark but quite lavish bedchamber. Melisandre lights some candles, pours some wine, and gets quite naked. She takes some if his clothes off first. They are going to stop the darkness by boning apparently. Seconds in she ties him up which he is ok with until she takes out the leeches. She even puts one on his cock because that's where the blood is at the moment. Davos and Stannis enter. She takes the leeches off again, and Stannis throws them in the fire uttering three names: Robb Stark, Baelon Greyjoy, and Joffrey Baratheon.

Olenna Tyrell is making light of the family tree and Loras is not impressed. Tyrion is absolutely shitfaced and Joffrey moves away to torment Sansa a little more. Tyrion claims to be the god of tits and wine in front of his less-than-impressed father. Loras attempts to curry favor with Cersei and is told in no uncertain terms to go fuck himself. Joffrey tells Sansa he's considering raping her later. He announces the bedding ceremony. Tyrion threatens him with a knife but Tywin manages to calm tensions somewhat.

And so my watch begins

Upstairs Tyrion decides that he is not yet drunk enough although he can barely walk or talk. Sansa has been expecting and dreading this all day. She drinks some wine and then begins to undress. Tyrion stops her and in an act of drunken chivalry tells her he will not have sex with her until she wants to. He promptly passes out on the couch.

Daario Naharis steals into Daenerys' camp disguised as an Unsullied. She is taking a bath and Missandei is scrubbing her, while also insulting her Dothraki pronunciation. We see her boobs for the first time in a very long time. Daario Naharis doesn't want to kill her and presents his captains heads. It is clear that they may well both be in love with each other which could present a problem, but the Second Sons now belong to Daenerys.

Shae realizes that Tyrion and Sansa didn't have sex which makes her less angry at him.

I told them I am Daario Naharis, I always have a choice

Sam and Gilly have found a shelter for themselves to stay the night. There is a blizzard picking up and himself and Gilly are getting to know each other. Sam nearly cries when they talk about his father and Gilly lights another fantastic fire. A massive murder of crows have gathered outside. Sam the coward goes straight out with his sword drawn to see what the issue is. A Whitewalker has come to take the baby. Sam stands his ground and the Whitewalker shatters his sword swots Sam out of the way and moves on. Sam pulls the dragonglass out of his belt and buries it deep in the Whitewalkers back and it shatters just like the sword.

Episode 29: The Rains of Castamere (The Red Wedding)

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Robb Stark is seeking counsel from his mother. They're all set to fuck shit up for Tywin Lannister. Robb and Catelyn make any amends that needed to be made following her release of Jaime Lannister. They're both ready to do what it takes to win this war. They break bread and salt in Walder Frey's house and are now under his protection. Robb. He wheels out his daughters and granddaughters, one whose name he's forgotten. They look like women who spend most of their day in a shelter for abused women. Robb turns on all the charm he has got to apologize and attempt to make amends. Walder Frey gives Talisa a once over, and then a twice, and a third. He knows she's pregnant already, and if she wasn't he'd have a go himself.

Daenerys is strategizing with her bunch of jealous men. She trust Grey Worm above any other and they have decided that Daario, Ser Jorah, and Grey Worm will take the city from behind.

Beyond the Wall, Sam the coward is still incredibly calm for a man who has watched a Whitewalker shatter to pieces. Gilly says he is some sort of wizard which makes him very happy as he told Jon Snow when they first met that he wanted to be a wizard. They are now in sight of the Wall which Gilly is seeing for the first time.

The Hound and Arya are on the road and come across a hog farmer who the Hound wants to kill. Arya gives him a good piece of her mind but pistol whips the guy to show her toughness.

Bran and co are getting close to the Wall but take shelter from the incoming storm. Meanwhile, Jon Snow and his band of wildlings have closed in on a horse breeder. They want to kill the old man and steal his horses. Jon Snow manages to warn him off so he can escape alive.

Arya can see The Twins. She is so close to her family that she is scared she won't make it. She's in no way afraid of the Hound but she has no problem telling him about his fear of fire and that she is going to kill him some day, again just to prove her toughness. These two could easily have a spin off road movie.

Bran's gang are in a small tower sheltering from the thunderstorm and Hodor is freaking a little. Outside, the horse farmer has been caught by the wildlings and Hodor is freaking out. Orell hears him but Bran enters Hodor in a warg sort of way and silences him. Everyone is stunned including Jojen who knows about this kind of shit. Orell goes to Tormund with his claims about shouting but Tormund brushes him off. Orell then wants Jon Snow to kill the farmer to prove he's one of them. Jon is unable to do the deed so Ygritte looses an arrow to kill the man and a fight begins. Jon and Tormund both save Ygritte and Bran slips inside the wolves skins to save Jon who escapes on horseback after killing Orell which everyone is happy about.

The three lads slip into Yunkai and have themselves a very short brawl in which their three distinct fighting styles are on show. When this is done they are set upon by another much bigger group and we are unsure of their fate but it doesn't look great. Later on they do come back having sacked the city and Daario Naharis receives all of Daenerys' plaudits, much to Ser Jorah's chagrin.

Back at The Twins, the wedding ceremony is about to commence and we see that Edmure's bride to be is actually smoking hot. The wedding itself is a very happy and nostalgic occasion.

Here is where Bran decides they are going to split up. Osha will take Rickon to the Last Hearth where the Umbers will protect them. Bran is going beyond the Wall with the Reeds to find the three eyed raven. Rickon makes it a very emotional goodbye. They leave right then.

The wedding looks like a great old time. Everyone is having fun including Roose Bolton who isn't even drinking. Robb and Talisa are flirting like the recently married couple that they are. The bedding takes place and the bride and groom are carried off to rub genitals. Edmure says something obnoxious about his penis. Roose Bolton is even more devoid of emotion that usual. Talisa says she wants to name the baby Eddard and they kiss on it. Catelyn looks on, finally accepting them as a couple and putting this bloody mess behind them finally.

A Frey son closes the doors to the hall and The Rains of Castamere begins to play. Catelyn looks on in horror and the direwolf scrapes outside. The Hound and Arya arrive but are quickly turned away as Arya manages to escape and hide. Catelyn is still looking around her inside when the music stops and Walder Frey begins to speak. Catelyn notices Roose Bolton is wearing chainmail and Catelyn slaps him across the face before one of the Freys stabs Lady Talisa repeatedly in the belly. All hell breaks loose as arrows rain down from where the musicians plays and everyone gets their throat slit. Catelyn and Robb both take arrows. Walder Frey drinks it all in.

Arya is oblivious to this outside excited to be going home - until everyone outside gets massacred including Robb's direwolf. Arya tries to steal a horse but gets knocked out by Sandor Clegane who carries her away unconscious.

Inside Catelyn is still alive but barely and so is Robb. Lady Talisa is even still holding on. Catelyn seizes her chance to grab Walder Frey's young wife and threatens to cut her throat if he doesn't let Robb walk out alive. She is a woman on the edge, thinking she has lost her entire family except Robb so far. Robb is on the cusp of death and Roose Bolton the scumbag finished the deed with a swift dagger to the heart. Catelyn opens the wifes throat as she lets out a bloodcurdling scream, stands in her grief and then has her own throat sliced open. We roll to silent ending credits.

Episode 30: Mhysa

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

arya red wedding

The final episode of season three opens in The Twins where the slaughter of north men continues as Roose Bolton looks on nonplussed. Banners burn and men die in various different ways. Robb Stark rides out on a horse as Frey men chant "The king in the north". They has sewn his direwolf's head onto his body as a final act of vulgarity. Arya sees all of this and can only look on horrified.

In King's Landing, Sansa Stark and Tyrion Lannister are getting on rather well. They both plot to punish the people who laugh at them, but not in cruel ways like Joffrey. Sansa doesn't even know the word shit. Tyrion is summoned to a small council meeting where Joffrey is positively beaming at the news from the Red Wedding. He's shut up quite quickly by his his father and uncle and even Lord Varys after he plans to serve Robb Stark's head to Sansa at his wedding feast. Pycelle is still acting the prick.

serve it to sansa at my wedding feast

After the other's are sent out, Tywin keeps Tyrion behind. He knows Tywin Lannister was the mastermind behind the Red Wedding. Tywin is all for protecting the family name still. It's quite sad. Tyrion says he will not rape Sansa in order to get her pregnant, but Tywin disagrees. He also tells Tyrion he wanted to kill him when he was born - not a very nice thing to say to your son. Tyrion then goes to Sansa, who has clearly heard the news so he leaves her be. All the work put into the marriage is gone down the drain again.

The Bran gang have found a place to stay and Bran tells a story that suggests he knows about the Red Wedding too although nothing is said for certain.

Walder Frey is eating again as the room where the Red Wedding took place is being scrubbed and Roose Bolton is the other half of the conversation. Roose Bolton is completely devoid of emotion. They are having a great laugh together. They talk of what happened at Winterfell and we finally find out that Theon's torturer is officially Roose Bolton's bastard, Ramsay Snow.

that's something the gods can't forgive

He is eating a pork sausage that looks suspiciously like the recently amputated penis of Theon Greyjoy. He is still being tortured, both mentally and physically. He begs to die but isn't even granted that. For a man who has already lost his penis, he somehow get more emasculated.

In the night, Bran is woken by a noise that turns out to be Samwell Tarly and Gilly. Sam figured out who Bran is and they all become friends. Sam begs them not to go north of the Wall but Bran claims many times that he has to nd Jojen Reed is his usual creepy self.

On the Iron Islands, Balon Greyjoy receives a letter from Ramsay Snow with a box attached carrying Theon's penis. Balon seems less bothered than he ought to be and decided to do nothing as Theon is use to him without a penis. Yarra is a little more forgiving and decides she is taking their 50 best men to the Dreadfort to root out Ramsay Snow and bring Theon Greyjoy home.

Sam passes around dragonglass as if it's cocaine to the group. He tells them how he killed the Whitewalker. Hodor is less than impressed. Sam warns them of all the dangers they face north of the Wall and they head off to what will almost certainly be their death.

Ser Davos Seaworth pays a visit to Gendry for a bit of a chat. They bond over the fact that they were both born in Fleabottom and they compete over who is lowerborn. Gendry explains why he trusted Melisandre. It had to do with the fact that she was naked.

you are a complication game of thrones

Shae is looking at the ships again when Varys creeps up on her. They chat for a minute before Varys gives her a large amount of diamonds to get out of the city and the country. Varys still has the interest of the realm at heart. He is hedging his bets on Tyrion to make the country right again and she is a complication. She tells him to go fuck himself in slightly kinder words.

Tyrion is drinking quite heavily with Podric who is struggling to keep up. Cersei enters and she is still miserable. She thinks having children will make everything better for everyone. She loves the memory of Joffrey and even current Joffrey can't take that away from her.

Some Frey men are laughing the woods as Arya and the Hound approach. They are talking about sewing the wolf's head onto Robb's body. Arya approaches in what is one of the finest scenes in the episode. She acts like a little orphan girl to curry favor with the four men before stabbing one repeatedly in the neck. The Hound dispatches the other three. She  now has the emotion presence of Roose Bolton.

tyrion lannister quotes

Jon Snow is washing his face when Ygritte creeps up on him with an arrow notched. He pleads with her and proclaims his love for her before making to leave. She hits him with an arrow in the back and another in the leg as he tries to climb his horse. He gets a third in the back as he tries to ride away and Ygritte continues to cry.

At Castle Black, Sam is trying to explain the situation to Maester Aemon which is difficult considering he is blind. He swears Gilly's child (now also named Sam) is not his. Gilly will be treated as a guest of the Night's Watch. Sam is told to write many letters.

Ser Davos is reading again with Stannis' daughter. He sees an interesting letter, the one that Sam sent. The bells toll and Davos goes to see why. The news of the Red Wedding has reached them. Davos hates the idea of blood magic and pleads with Stannis to stop. He will not stand by while Gendry gets murdered - so he releases him and sends him rowing away on his own. The chances of him getting away are quite slim.

Jon arrives back and Castle Black and falls off his horse. He's very near dead but coherent and you get the feeling that he will live.

In King's Landing, Jaime Lannister has returned through a side entrance with Brienne and Qyburn. No one recognises him as he walks through the city. The first person he goes to see is Cersei.

you know nothing jon snow

Back at Dragonstone, Stannis sentences Ser Davos Seaworth to death. Davos advises him against it as she shows him the news from beyond the Wall. It's enough to get Stannis and Melisandre interested, considering they saw the great battle in the snow. Davos' life is spared thanks to the Red God and Davos is in his debt. It is clear that Stannis is just a man listening to everything that Melisandre says.

Daenerys Targaryen has her army of Unsullied assembled outside Yunkai. She awaits the people former slaves of the city. She addresses the two hundred thousand or so former slaves and they chant "mhysa" meaning "mother". They love and worship her and she ends this season as she did season one, a force to be reckoned with. This time, instead of 3 baby dragons and Ser Jorah, she has 3 growing dragons, 2 knights, Daario Naharis, an army of 8,000 Unsullied and now 200,000 people who call her "Mother."

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