Game of Thrones: Episode 21 & 22

Episode 21: Valar Dohaeris

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Before winter's done, everyone you've ever known will be dead
Season 3 opens with a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of many men dying before dawn breaks beyond the Wall and we see Samwell Tarly attempting to run in a blizzard. He's doing a pretty good job considering his size but stops when he sees someone coming towards him. Except they are not coming towards him. It is a dead man with his own head in his hands. Another dead man creeps up behind Sam but Jon Snow's direwolf, Ghost rips him off before Lord Commander Mormont lights the dead man on fire. Mormont is furious that Sam hasn't sent the ravens. They all need to get back to the Wall to warn the world.

We begin again beyond the Wall but this time with Jon Snow who is entering the Wildling camp for the first time. He sees his first giant walking around like a normal person before absolutely pounding a stake into the frozen solid ground. People start pelting Jon with fruit and such as if food isn't hard enough to come by. Ygritte is having great fun making Jon shit his small clothes.

Still makes me more clever than you
He enters the tent and kneels in front of someone who is not Mance Rayder and everyone has a great laugh, including Tormund Giantsbane, the man pretending to be Mance. They exchange some pleasantries and some not-so-pleasantries before there is a threat to Jon's life. He thinks quickly, deciding he wanted to be free due to the fact that the Watch turns a blind eye on Craster and his practices. 

Back in King's Landing, Bronn is about to get fucked by a red haired lady. We're seeing our first set of boobs purely for the sake of it. Podric Payne enters and you can almost see Bronn's balls turn blue through his pants. Tyrion wants him. It is a matter of life or death.

Tyrion is holed up in a room. He has grown quite paranoid but, nonetheless, allows Cersei in following a brief exchange through the door. She wounds him with words as only she can. Tyrion is meeting with Tywin Lannister later and Cersei is wondering why. He still hasn't visited Tyrion after he got his face cut open. Cersei genuinely believes that anything she thinks is true, is true.

Bronn and the two Gold Cloaks standing outside Tyrion's door almost have themselves an altercation. Bronn and Tyrion go for a walk together and Bronn negotiates a raise for himself, doubling his wages. 

You are an ill made spiteful little creature
Ser Davos Seaworth wakes up on a rock. We have not seen him since the Battle of Blackwater Bay and presumed him to be dead. He is burned but will heal. A ship comes to save him and thankfully for him, they are men of Stannis. The pirate, Salladhor Saan,  is on board and they speak of losing sons. Stannis is still alive but he is licking his wounds, listening to Melisandre, and burning men alive. 

Robb Stark's army is on the march. They need a fight, not having had one in quite a while. Reaching Harrenhal, they see hundreds of dead bodies and horses, all northmen. You get the sense it is not a happy camp and that things are not going so well for Robb Stark.  One of the dead men is still alive. He is Qyburn.  

Tywin Lannister is scrawling a letter while Tyrion sits in silence. He is in no mood to talk, it would seem, unless it is to belittle Tyrion and tell him how ashamed he is. Certainly not to thank him for anything he has done. Tywin continues to play hard ball with Tyrion, who then drops the bombshell that he wants Casterly Rock as his son and lawful heir. Tywin loses his shit. He tells him there is absolutely no chance that he will be his heir. It seems it's still Tyrion's fault that his mother died during childbirth. He's not a very good father. Tyrion is surely deeply wounded by this. 
The truth is always either terrible or boring

Sansa and Shae are playing a game, watching the ships sail in and out of King's Landing. Littlefinger approaches. He's a scummy little scumbag. Shae retreats and stands with Ros. He lies about seeing Arya. Sansa is desperate to escape and Littlefinger claims he will try to help her. Behind them Ros and Shae strike up a conversation. Ros tells Shae to watch out for Sansa as Littlefinger is a dangerous bastard.

The dragons are growing and comfortable flying out over the sea. They are sailing Astapor to check out some slave soldiers. Daenerys is not too happy about it but she has no better ideas. The Dothraki are having trouble on a ship and getting sick. 

Ser Davos is left on the shore of Dragonstone and is granted an audience with Stannis, who appear to be suffering from a bout of depression and is underwhelmed by his return. He gives Melisandre some lip and then tries to kill her. He gets locked in the dungeons for his troubles. 

Death by fire is the purest death
In the narrow and depressed streets of Fleabottom in King's Landing, Joffrey is being carried through as is his wife to be, Margaery Tyrell. She orders them to halt and goes to visit an orphanage. She promises the little orphans all the help they need and proves that she has the common touch. 

Later in the evening they are at dinner together along with Ser Loras and Queen Cersei. It would appear that Joffrey is quite smitten and the Tyrells are quite flattering. Cersei is clearly not impressed and Joffrey is quite embarrassed by it all. Margaery is making it known just how important she has already become and this is not sitting well with Cersei.

Daenerys is in Astapor, a place where they speak Valyrian as opposed to the normal english. For this reason Krasns needs an incredibly hot translator to mince his words for him as he is a complete angry prick. We meet the Unsullied, an army of enslaved eunuchs who fell neither pain nor emotions. Krasns then goes down and cuts the nipple off one of the Unsullied who does not so much as flinch. She has until tomorrow to decide whether she will buy all 8,000 or not.
I am Barristan Selmy
After, she is being followed by a hooded man and following a little girl who wants to play ball. She catches the ball and is told to open it but the hooded man knocks it free. It was sent from the warlocks to kill her. None other than Ser Barristan Selmy was the hooded man who saved her. He asks her forgiveness and asks that he may join her Queen's Guard.

Some more great moments from Valar Dohaeris:

(Click on the images for larger view)

Episode 22: Dark Wings, Dark Words

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Bran is running through the woods. That's right, Bran is running. That's how we know it's a dream. He sees the usual three eyed raven and takes aim with his bow. He misses of course. We now hear that he has hit puberty since the last season. He sees a guy he's never seen before who tells him the raven is him and then he wakes up. Osha knows what's going on but it all scares her a lot and she shuts him up.
Robb is staring into the fire again. He's having serious problems, made a little easier by making out with his wife. Roose Bolton comes in with two messages, both bad news. Catelyn's father is dead and they finally find out that Winterfell has been torn to pieces and Bran and Rickon are missing. No one knows where Theon is either.

We, of course, see him next, tied up and naked in a somewhat crucifix form. He gets tortured.

Brienne and Jaime are still having a gay old time. Brienne even watches Jaime piss. She is doing very well to hold her tongue because Jaime never shuts up. Jaime starts to make a small bit of sense through all of his ramblings. A man sees them and Jaime wants to kill him because he knows who he is but Brienne decides him to be an innocent man and lets him pass. 
Joffrey is being fitted in robes and Cersei is trying to bend his ear. She is trying to turn him against Margaery Tyrell and Joffrey decides he doesn't need to listen to it.

Sansa and Shae are discussing Littlefinger. Shae thinks he's looking for her maidenhead but Sansa decides he's just being nice. Loras Tyrell, the Knight of Flowers enters, and escorts Sansa to meet with Margaery and her grandmother, Lady Olenna, in the garden. She is a sharp tongued but wise woman and is not afraid to speak her mind. She asks Sansa to tell her the truth about Joffrey. She is afraid to at the beginning but soon loosens her tongue, breaks down and tells the truth. The Tyrell women seem to be unperturbed.

Lord Karstark is airing his grievances still. He seems to be quite unhappy with the distraction of attending Hoster Tully's funeral. Catelyn and Robb's wife have a conversation that is absolutely silly and not anywhere in the book and so I will not get into it. 

We move to Jon Snow beyond the Wall. He is making friends with Mance Rayder. He has formed this army of misfits as he believes they are all going to die if they don't get south. They get to Tormund Giantsbane and a new man, Orelle, who can get into the mind of animals and act as them. This is what we believe Bran can do too. Orelle has seen dead crows through the eyes of his eagle.

These crows are on the march. Rast is goading Sam into giving up and dying. Lord Commander Mormont eventually handles the situation by forbidding Sam to die and they attempt to continue the trek back to the Wall.

Bran is sleeping again. He seems to sleep more than he does wake which is strange for a guy who can't even walk. The boy from his dreams comes into camp with his sister. They are Jojen and Meera Reed and it would appear they have a way with animals. They have come a long way to find Bran.

Gendry and Arya are still alive and on the move with Hot Pie. They get found by a gang who we find to be the Brotherhood Without Banners that we have heard so much about. Their leader is Thoros of Myr. Anguy seems to be quite good with a bow and arrow.

Shae is in Tyrion's bedchamber again and he is very worried that she will be killed. Shae imparts her knowledge of Littlefinger and Ros' warning. Shae is quite jealous of other women it would seem. Then they make good sex, presumably.

Margaery Tyrell enters Joffrey's quarters. He is playing with his favorite toy, which is not his penis oddly
enough. It is his crossbow. He will be going hunting. He is also spoiling for trouble by grilling Margaery as to why she married a traitor. She turns it on its head and informs Joffrey that Renly was gay. The one evening they tried, apparently, he tried to put it in her ass. She is good. She is willing to do all that it takes. Margaery feigns interest in Joffrey's crossbow and they look like quite the dangerous couple.

Theon Greyjoy is getting a bad going over with screws threaded through his foot. It seems he has someone who will help him to escape after dark. Apparently his sister sent this man to save him while the castle sleeps. You would almost feel sorry for Theon.

Bran, Rickon et al are on the road again and Jojen is explaining to Bran that he is a warg. He can also see things that haven't happened yet or happened before he was born or happening right now thousands of miles away. Osha really doesn't like any of this. Bran appears to be hot shit though. He is the only one thing that matters.

Thoros of Myr is drunk and enjoying himself. Arya is talking up her fighting skills and is obviously disarmed quite easily by Thoros. Arya has been shamed and wants to leave. Just before they leave, some more of the Brotherhood enter. They have captured The Hound. He recognized Arya and this is trouble for her as she is no longer allowed to leave.

Brienne and Jaime need to cross a bridge and risk being seen when Jaime stops and manages to steal a sword from Brienne. She has two swords and they are going to fight. Brienne manages to subdue him reasonably easily, probably due to the fact that he is out of practice but she may well be the better fighter too. As they finish they are set upon by a band of men on horses. The man who saw them earlier has led them to the Kingslayer. Looks like they will both be taken prisoner.