Game of Thrones: Episode 13 & 14

Episode 13: What Is Dead May Never Die

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

We open beyond the Wall where Craster has given Jon a reasonably good beating. Lord Commander Mormont is furious and Jon is disappointed that he knew what Craster was doing all along. They put it down to religion as Craster serves crueler gods. The Watch needs men like Craster in order to survive, horrible and all as it is for them to admit. They'll be leaving at dawn. Sam gives Gilly a token of his affection and promises to return. Poor bastard is smitten.

Hodor is Hodoring again and Bran seems to be in his direwolf's body. He tells Maester Luwin about his "dreams". He feels that his dreams are true, some of them at least. Maester Luwin tells him that there is no magic in the world any more.

There is a fight between two armored warriors, watched by King Renly and a smashing looking lady who we take to be his Queen. One of the fighters is Ser Loras, the Knight of Flowers who the Queen is rooting for but he loses. He is beaten by a massive woman, Brienne of Tarth. The Queen is Margaery Tyrell, Loras' sister. Brienne wishes to be in Renly's Kings Guard which is unheard of for a woman. This request is granted.

Catelyn approaches and pleasantries are exchanged. She means business and doesn't dare to smile for people might think she has a will to live. Brienne and Catelyn are butting heads. Brienne must be seven foot tall.

Theon's sister approaches and Theon is angry with her because she let him feel her up. Baelon Greyjoy is going to attack the north while Robb Stark is gone south. Theon doesn't get as big a slice of the action as he would like. He barely even gets the most burnt part of the crust on the smallest slice. He wants to prove himself to his father but he also gets a slap from Baelon, who Theon claims is a complete bollocks for giving him away in the first place.

Shae is also pissed off. She's got cabin fever and Tyrion isn't sure what to do about it. He's afraid of who might find out about her, be it his sister or his father.

There's a horribly awkward meal taking place between the Queen Regent, Sansa and her two children that aren't Joffrey. We are unsure who the show is being put on for. Shae enters Sansa's room after the meal as her new hand maiden. Sasa is a complete jerk to her but it's just because so terribly unhappy herself.

Pycelle gives Tyrion a vile of something to allow him to deal with his constipation. He tells Pycelle that he plans to marry Myrcella, Cersei's daughter, off to a son of the Martells of Dorn. He tells Varys that he wishes to marry her to Theon Greyjoy and Littlefinger, he tells that he wishes to wed her to Lysa Arryn's son. This is quite a clever trick from the imp. Tyrion offers him Harrenhal, a questionably cursed city, to deliver Lysa Arryn's favorable response.

Renly and Loras Tyrell are getting hot and heavy and it almost looks like there's going to be some butt sex but Loras loses it because he is reminded that Brienne is a member of the Kings Guard. He decides not to put out, instead hoping Renly will impregnate his sister. She enters and he fails to, blaming it on the wine rather than this crippling homosexuality. She knows about this and is ok with it. She even offers to fetch her brother to help but it's not enough for poor Renly. She just wants a royal baby in her belly.

Cersei confronts Tyrion and says that he is not allowed to ship Myrcella off to Dorn, proving that it is Pycelle who betrayed him. Cersei is overcome with all sorts of emotion.

Theon writes Robb Stark a letter and then burns it. He reaffirms his faith in the drowned god, the god of his family. This probably won't end well and he seems to know it.

Tyrion is confronted by Littlefinger who is none too happy about being lied to. Tyrion wants to send him to attempt to release Jaime by sweet-talking Catelyn. Tyrion interrupts Pycelle as he is with a whore. Pycelle claims to always serve house Lannister but has done an awful lot of betraying and spying for the Queen. Tyrion next speaks with Varys who literally speaks in riddles this time. Power resides where men believe it resides.

Ayra is sharpening Needle when Yoren comes in. She can't sleep and doesn't like wine. Probably because she's only 10. She's reliving Ned's beheading. Yoren tells Arya the story of how he got to the Wall when a horn sounds. They're under attack. He tells Arya and Gendry to stay out of sight. A bloody battle ensues with Yoren fighting like a drunken hero until he gets skewered. Arya saves Jaqen H'ghar but everyone gets caught. They take any survivors back to Harenhal as they think they've already killed Gendry, completing their mission.

Episode 14: Garden of Bones

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

We open in the pissing rain with two never-before-seen men keeping watch. They are Lannister men and they are shooting the breeze. It seems the fact that Renly and Loras are ass bandits is common knowledge. The horses are a little spooked, tension builds and then one of them rips an earth shattering fart. Having laughed for a suitable length of time, they get slaughtered by Robb's direwolf. Robb wins another huge victory and we meet Roose Bolton, one of his bannermen who enjoys the art of flaying,

Robb sees a pretty nurse tending the wounded on the battlefield. He holds a man down while she takes his leg. As she hacks through the man's shin bone, Robb falls in love. She is angry at him for waging war in the first place but Robb tries to defend his corner. He's fighting to overthrow a King who sits on a throne he doesn't want.

Joffrey is aiming a crossbow at Sansa, blaming her for Robb's latest victory. Apparently he has an army of wolves and his men like to eat people. He has one of his men beat the shit out of her and rips off her clothes until Tyrion interjects. He is not impressed but still hilarious. He is also kind to Sansa, knowing her to be innocent. Bronn then delivers probably the greatest line of the season to try and help Joffrey.

Between Tyrion and Bronn, they decided that Joffrey needs to dip his penis in something so Tyrion buys him a couple of whores. Joffrey doesn't want them to touch him but each other. Then he gets Ros to hit the other whore and before long she is beating the shit out of her with blunt instruments. It is difficult to watch but Joffrey seems to enjoy it. He is quite the sadist.

Littlefinger has arrived at Renly's camp. Renly dislikes Littlefinger but he offers his services nonetheless giving priority to his life. He then taps up Margaery Tyrell and they have a smart conversation as is customary when Littlefinger is involved. Margaery gives nothing away.

One of Daenerys' blood riders have returned with good news. They are going to Qarth which sounds like an isolated and dangerous place.

Arya, Gendry et al have arrived at Harrenhal and it is a disgusting monstrosity that smells of dead people. It seems everyone is getting killed, day after day. They are chained up outside and Arya is reciting a list of 4 people she wants to kill - Joffrey, Cersei, Ilyn Payne and the Hound.

Littlefinger meets Catelyn and she pulls a dagger on him for his betrayal of Ned. He is unperturbed. He offers her Sansa and Arya, at least one of whom are not his to give. All he wants is Jaime Lannister in return. He also gives her a gift of Tyrion's good will, Ned Stark's bones.

Back at Harrenhal, the Mountain is picking the next person to be tortured and killed. The torture is conducted in front of every one else. Arya adds a couple more people to her list.

Renly and Stannis are meeting and Catelyn Stark accompanies. They talk some smack and there will clearly be no agreement between the two.

The Dothraki have arrived at Qarth and are greeted outside the city walls by the 13, leaders of the city. They are interested in the dragons and little else and refuse to let her in until they see them. She threatens them as best she can. Xaro Xhoan Daxos, one of the 13 allows them to enter.

In Harrenhal, Gendry is about to get interrogated when Tywin Lannister arrives. Arya is picked as his cup bearer. He knows she is a girl, but not a Stark.

Lancel Lannister is sent to tell Tyrion to release Pycelle. Of course, Tyrion knows that Cersei has been fucking him and he is not able to deny it. Lancel knows he is in trouble. Tyrion plays him for a complete fool and now has a spy. Another victory for the half man.

Ser Davos and Stannis are speaking on the past and how they came to be so close. Davos is to bring Melisandre ashore under the cover of darkness to do Stannis' bidding. We are unsure exactly what that might be but it feels like it will be dark and full of terrors. Melisandre insinuates that she is going to fuck Davos but we soon find out that is not true. She just allows him to see her naked and she reveals what must be the quickest sex-to-going-into-labor of all time. What she is pregnant with needs to be seen to be believed. A black cloud monster crawls out of her vagina and away down the passage that has been barred to them. It is quite surreal. The first "holy fuck" moment of season 2.

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