Game of Thrones: Episode 19 & 20

Episode 19: Blackwater

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Stannis' fleet are still on the move. The men are in somber mood preparing for the fight. Davos' son is an awful dick entirely. Davos is explaining to him how things work. It sounds like they're getting quite close to King's Landing.

Tyrion is in bed and he is afraid. Shae promises to protect him. One would honestly think that she loves him. Grand Maester Pycelle is attempting to offer guidance to Cersei but he's rambling. He's brought her a poison of sorts.

Bronn and the men are singing and drinking and have a good number of whores to attend to them. Bronn tells his whore of the story of his nose and how many times he broke it. He tells her not to feel sorry for it because it'll be half way up her arse before the night is over. The Hound enters and makes things awkward. Himself and Bronn almost go toe to toe but the war bells sounds. It's time for war.

Varys has always hated the bells and Tyrion is getting his armor fitted by Podric, his squire. Varys presents Tyrion with a map he previously asked for, detailing the tunnels beneath the city. They talk of Melisandre and the possibility of magic. They're worried about Stannis, serving such evil powers, sitting on the Iron Throne.

We're back on the ship with Davos and this shit is happening. Bronn and Tyrion are good friends. Everyone is saying their goodbyes and Joffrey makes Sansa kiss his blade. She's clearly grown a little confidence and enjoys giving what she gets.

The place is fucking pandemonium but there are no ships in the bay. Everyone on both sides is wondering how they're going to defend the city without ships. Inside Cersei is drinking with Sansa. It looks like she'll be getting very drunk.

Outside everyone is still bemused at the lack of Lannister ships. One ship goes out to meet them. One ship. There's no one on board. It's leaking a green substance we are told to be wild fire. A well placed arrow from Bronn ignites it and Stannis' fleet explodes like an atomic bomb, engulfing the bay in flames. Joffrey is erect at the sight while everyone else is somewhat horrified at the screaming and burning of flesh. Stannis is still alive and realizes that thousands more will die.

Inside Sansa is praying with some of the other women. Cersei interrupts. She's drunk and doesn't like drinking alone. She doesn't want to be there. She doesn't see much chance of seducing Stannis should the city fall. She knows how to use her vagina. She's also ready for everyone to get raped fairly badly.

Outside Tyrion is raining fire down on Stannis' men as they come ashore. There's some really bloody deaths. The Hound has formed a welcome party outside for Stannis' men. Lancel Lannister takes and arrow and retreats like a bitch, ignoring the Hounds previous promise to rape the corpse of any man who dies with a clean sword.

Back inside, Cersei is talking to Shae, not knowing who she is. She seems quite interested in her until Lancel bursts into the room. She orders him to bring Joffrey away from the fighting which will not go down well. Ilyn Payne is in the room to murder all of the women should the city fall to save them from being raped.

Bronn saves the Hound's life as he is afraid of all the fire. They all retreat inside the gates.The Hound appears to be done for the day. He tells Joffrey to fuck himself and leaves. The ladders and battering rams are in and it's only going to be a matter of time at this stage. Joffrey is being ordered back inside, an order he duly accepts and a huge blow to morale. All eyes are on Tyrion. He will lead the attack. The half man makes a great speech.

Inside Lancel is practically crying. He gets punched in the wound by the Queen. Sansa is being strong for the women. Shae sends Sansa back to her chamber to lock herself in. Who should be in there but The Hound drunk off his ass. He offers to take Sansa to Winterfell, a place she wants to go but not a prospect she relishes.

Tyrion leads his men outside and chops a mans leg off. The battle is quick but they are set upon but a huge army of previously unseen men. Tyrion gets his face sliced open by one of his own men, probably on the Queen's orders. Tyrion's squire kills the would be assassin and we're unsure if Tyrion will live. A band of horses arrives, the men hacking and killing.

Cersei sits upon the Iron Throne telling her son a story. She is getting ready to poison them both as tyrion lays dying outside. The Martells burst into the Throne Room followed by Tywin Lannister. They have won and Stannis' men force him to retreat.

This pretty epic song is played at the end.

Episode 20: Valar Morghulis

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Tyrion is struggling to awaken, the ringing of the battle still in his ears. Grand Maester Pycelle happily stands over him. He sends Podric to get Bronn or Varys. He is no longer Hand of the King and Pycelle couldn't be more smug about it.

Joffrey is presenting honors in the Throne Room. He grants Harrenhal to Littlefinger  for uniting Tyrell and Lannister. Joffrey wishes to grant the Tyrells anything they want and they ask for the two houses to be joined. Margaery wants to be Queen. Joffrey turns her down as he is betrothed to Sansa. Cersei and Pycelle make a case, invoking the gods and Joffrey eventually consents. Everyone is delighted. Sansa thinks she is free but Littlefinger warns her that Joffrey will still enjoy beating and raping her. He offers to help bring her home to Winterfell.

Ros is entertaining again having been freed by Cersei. It's Lord Varys. He wishes to acquire her services but not the sucky sucky kind because he doesn't have any balls. She's afraid of Littlefinger and Varys tells her she is right but that Littlefinger does have weaknesses.

Jaime is still finding awkward questions for Brienne. He's trying to seduce her in a round about way when they come across three whores hanging because they fucked Lannister men. Brienne wishes to cut them down when some Stark men arrive. They have a great laugh at the fact that Brienne is a woman. Jaime and Brienne attempt to be convincing but fail. The men recognize Jaime. Brienne takes on all three, giving two quick deaths and one slow and painful one, mirroring what they did to the women. They then sets about cutting down and burying the women.

Robb and Catelyn are having a sit down to discuss Robb's love for the sexy nurse. Catelyn is worried about crossing Walder Frey and Robb betraying his honor.

Stannis is back home angry as fuck at Melisandre. He feels like a prize idiot for trusting in her and the Lord of Light so he attempts to choke her to death but gives up before he's finished. She claims that the war will last for years, Stannis will betray everything he is and he will be King. They stare into the fire and both see something that the audience isn't privy to, but it sounds awesome.

Theon is going quite insane. The horn-blower outside the gates is keeping him awake. He is surrounded with no chance of escape. Maester Luwin is giving him advice that he's too far gone to listen to. To say that Theon is not happy with how his life has panned out so far. Maester Luwin tells him to run to the Wall, where his sins would be forgiven and where he could make a name for himself. This will be his redemption. He decides he's gone too far already. Outside in the courtyard, he riles up his 20 men with one of the most rousing speeches you will ever hear before being lamped on the head by one of his own men. They're going home but not before they kill Maester Luwin.

Varys tells Tyrion that Ser Mandon Moore tried to kill him on Cersei's orders. Bronn is no longer in charge if the Gold Cloaks and his hill tribe men have gone home. Varys is also deserting him but not before bringing Shae in to see him. They are friends in a way and Varys knows it was really Tyrion who saved the city. Shae wants to see his face. It's quite the scar. Shae tells him to fuck his money and wants to run away to Pentos with him. He wants to go with her but enjoys the game too much. He feels like he belongs and loves it more than anything. She's not going to leave him. It's a better love story than Twilight.

Robb and the sexy nurse are getting married. It's one of those happy moments that is most definitely going to come back to bite everyone in the ass.

Daenerys, Ser Jorah and her one remaining bloodrider approach the House of the Undying. It's a place of strange magic and without going inside, Daenerys is magically inside on her own. She shouts at the darkness and hears her dragons.

Arya, Gendry and Hot Pie are walking through the countryside when they meet Jaqen H'ghar. He's been waiting for them. Arya wants to be taught how to do what Jaqen can do and he wants to teach her in Braavos. She needs to find her family. He gives her a coin, tells her that if he ever needs him again to give the coin to any man from Braavos and say "Valar Morghulis" and then he completely changes his fucking face and walks off.

Osha and Hodor venture outside with Bran and Rickon. The place has been sacked and burned. They find Maester Luwin dying in the Godswood. He tells them to go to the Wall but they don't want to leave him. He has known these boys every day of their lives. He has a quiet word with Osha , telling her to protect the boys and then to slit his throat. He was a good man. They head away the cripple, six year old, wildling and half wit. What chance have they got?

Daenerys is still lost in the House of the Undying. She ventures into the Throne room where it is snowing and gazes upon the Iron Throne. She hears her dragons and decides to follow the sound. This leads her out beyond the Wall. She doesn't seem to feel the cold but she does see a tent, inside which is Khal Drogo and her baby boy. This is one of my least favorite scenes in the entire series. She decides the scenario isn't real, quotes Mirri Maz Duur and heeds the call of her dragons. She finally finds them and the Warlock enters from all sides. It seems his magic is stronger near the dragons. He plans to keep Daenerys there with them forever. She orders her little dragons to breath fire and we see just how dangerous they are even at that size. The burn the Warlock alive (if he was ever really alive).

The Halfhand and Jon Snow are being marched towards Mance Rayder. The Halfhand manages to pull a sword and tries to kill Jon in the hope that Jon will gain their trust. Jon ends up killing him which is sure to earn him some plaudits among the free folk. There's no going back now. He is going to meet the King beyond the Wall, Mance Rayder.

Xaro Xoan Doxus is in bed with Daenerys hand maid when Daenerys and her people enter. They take Xaro to his vault, the one he has said is full with riches beyond everyone's dreams. It is empty and Qarth is a lie. It doesn't remain empty however, as Daenerys puts them both in there to die, thanking Xaro Xoan Doxus for the lesson. They steal everything they can find and prepare to leave with the dragons in toe.

Back beyond the Wall, Sam, Grenn and company and digging for shit to burn. Sam is still in love with Gilly. A horn blows once. Twice. And then a third time. Three blasts means Whitewalkers so they run except for Sam who is too fat. He hides behind the nearest rock as an army of (I hesitate to say) zombie-like frozen people riding disfigured, dead horses march by. Sam cries and every viewer shits themselves as the leader lets out a blood curdling scream and marches on.