Game of Thrones: Episode 17 & 18

Episode 17: A Man Without Honor

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Theon wakes up and realizes he's been betrayed. He's an angry little shit and decides to chase after Osha, Bran, Rickon and Hodor. Maester Luwin is quite uncomfortable about the whole situation. Meanwhile, the group of runaways have no food but they come upon a farmhouse. They try to make a decision.

Jon Snow has a boner after a night of snuggling with Ygritte. He's embarrassed and she's not. She knows that he's a virgin and starts asking what Jon considers inappropriate questions. They argue the semantics of what a prisoner might be and what exactly it means to be free. 

Tywin Lannister is hanging half of Harrenhal to find out what happened and who might have tried to kill him. He makes Arya eat his dinner for him which is quite awkward. Tywin says that he is retiring from warfare after this one, the one he will be remembered for. He talks of legacy again and changing the rules. They talk on the Targaryens and how most girls are idiots. Arya reminds Tywin of his own daughter which is surely not a good thing. He knows that she is not a low born girl and she tries her best to hide it but doesn't fool him. He enjoys her.

Sansa is still miserable. She is thanking The Hound for saving her life. He likes to kill people and says that Ned Stark enjoyed it too.

Xaro Xoan Doxus is promising Daenerys that he will get her dragons back for her. He's talking a huge amount of shite about how noble he is and how his word means everything.
Ygritte and Jon Snow are still arguing over who's better - the free folk or the people south of the Wall. She makes a good argument for the free folk and also offers her sexpertise. 

In Robb Stark's camp, Ser Ultan Lannister is back with the Queen's message. He is put in with Jaime Lannister while they built him a new cell.  The sexy nurse comes in to Robb's tent and she's out of supplies. They're painfully in love with each other.

Theon has reached the farmhouse but has lost the scent. There is nothing he won't do to find the scent again. He's going to kill the boys when he finds them. He sends Maester Luwin back to Winterfell and is sure he knows what he is doing.

Ser Jorah is back now that he knows what has happened in Qarth. One of Daenerys' hand maids is still missing, presumed dead. Daenerys is lonely because she has no people. She tells Jorah to find her dragons.  Jon Snow is still lost but pretends he's not.

Ygritte is having a great laugh about how they had sex even though they didn't. She's mad for it to actually happen. She says that her vagina doesn't have teeth and then she manages to escape and run away only to run Jon Snow into a trap.

Sansa is having a bad dream of when she was almost raped and she wakes up covered in blood. She's just had her first period. Shae walks in and tries to help her flip the mattress over. Shae threatens another hand maid who has seen the blood but when she comes back, The Hound has seen. Cersei tells her she's a woman now and tells her about the times she was pregnant. Cersei imparts some advice to Sansa - love your children and no one else.

Jaime is talking to Ser Ultan, trying to figure out who he is. He clearly worships Jaime. Squiring for him many years ago was the best day of his life. He seems like a nice lad. Jaime tells him his own story of when he squired. He knows how he's going to escape now that Ser Ultan is in with him so he kills him and then when Robb's man comes in he strangles him and frees himself.

Ser Jorah goes to the strange woman with the mask from the previous party. She knows he loves Daenerys and that he has betrayed her but she also knows something about the dragons. Daenerys is in front of the Thirteen begging for her dragons. The creepy looking Warlock from the House of the Undying admits to having them, along with Xaro Xoan Doxus. The Warlock murders the other eleven of the Thirteen with his magic and Daenerys runs. He is everywhere. 

The Kingslayer has been recaptured and everyone is ready to kill him. He's getting beaten. Lord Karstark wants to take Jaime's head for killing his son. Catelyn manages to stop him. This is an unhappy camp. Robb is under pressure. Jaime is still hilarious. 

Tyrion and Cersei are together again. Stannis has 200 ships that will be at the gates in 4-5 days. They talk on Joffrey and how difficult he is. Cersei even knows and she wonders if they're getting punished for their incest. She breaks down and shows, once again, that she is human. Tyrion and herself almost have a moment.

Robb's man are fighting among each other. Jaime Lannister is not going to last the night until Robb returns. Jaime talks about the unimportance of vows but is sidetracked by Brienne who he thinks is a beast. He invokes Ned Stark's honor when he fucked another woman. Catelyn asks for Brienne's sword.

Theon is unveiling something horrible. Two little boys hanged and tarred in Winterfell. Maester Luwin is distraught as he assumes it to be Bran and Rickon as does everyone else. 

Episode 18: The Prince of Winterfell

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Theon is getting a visit from his hard ass sister who has come to emasculate and belittle him with jibes and taunts. She thinks the little boys were brave and that Theon is a dumb cunt. Her words, not mine. She hasn't brought enough men to hold Winterfell. She's here to bring Theon home but he has other ideas. He thinks he can hold Winterfell and that Robb Stark won't find out. She pleads with him not to die so far from the sea.

Jon Snow has been brought back to the Lord of Bones where Quran Halfhand is already being held captive. Two people promise to chop Jon's balls off. The Halfhand tells Jon to ensure his comrades didn't die for nothing.

Robb is walking with the sexy nurse talking on Robb's betrothal and Ned Stark. They talk of everything and nothing until Robb receives the news that Catelyn Stark released the Jaime Lannister in the hope that she will get her two daughters. Robb places Catelyn under arrest as if that will make a blind bit of difference.

Brienne and Jaime are by a river and Jaime is still very funny. He likes to talk. He challenges her to a fight as is his modus operandi but she does not fall for it.

King's Landing hasn't a chance of standing up to Stannis' forces for more than an hour. Tywin Lannister is trying to make a plan with his war council. He plans to ride at nightfall to surprise Robb Stark's forces. Arya is worried and seeks out Jaqen H'ghar but she doesn't find him on time.

Jon and the Halfhand are talking in secret but pretending to fight in front of the free folk. The Halfhand wants him to gain their trust.

Tyrion and Bronn are having a slight tiff. Every little thing Bronn is doing is annoying Tyrion who is trying to plan the defense of King's Landing. To do this, seemingly he plans to use pig shit.

Sam, Grenn and the others are away on their own digging latrine pits when they find something buried. There's a shit load of dragon glass in it.

Arya sees Jaqen. She's not happy.She names him as her third person to kill. She unnames him provided he helps her and her friends escape, which he agrees to.

Cersei has brought Tyrion to dinner to persuade Tyrion to dissuade Joffrey from fighting against Stannis. Cersei says that Varys is so dangerous because he doesn't have a cock. Cersei's smile disarms Tyrion. He knows she's up to something. She has his whore. He tries to lie about his affections but Cersei sees through it. She brings in the whore but it is Ros, not Shae. Cersei has missed something. Tyrion promises vengeance. For a family who fuck each other, they're not very loving. Tyrion is quite deeply in love and it would appear that Shae is too.

Robb Stark and Roose Bolton speak on Theon and the taking of Winterfell. Robb fears for Bran and Rockon's safety. The sexy nurse asks Robb a stupid question but then she regales him with stories of her past and how she came to be a nurse. Robb finally proclaims his love for her and she him. And then they bang. She leaves her knee high boots on.

It's midnight and Arya is waiting to escape. They're wondering how they will walk out the gates without the guards seeing. It would seem Jaqen has held up his end of the bargain and they are already dead at their posts.

Stannis and Davos are speaking. They will be at King's Landing in a day. Stannis is bitter about the siege at Storm's End 17 years ago. Stannis offers Davos the job as his Hand when he becomes King.

Joffrey wants to march North while Stannis is almost at the gates. He also thinks he will kill Stannis himself. Tyrion and Varys talk. Varys is typically riddlesome. Tyrion would like to continue to play the game of thrones so he doesn't want to die, he wants the god of tits and wine. Varys has also heard that Daenerys is alive and has dragons.

Daenerys and Ser Jorah Mormont are speaking. Daenerys wants her dragons back and Jorah wants to leave Qarth very quickly.

Theon wishes to cut the boys down and bury them. Maester Luwin spots Osha heading into the crypts and looks at the two boys hanging and burned. She is hiding down there with the two boys and Hodor who are still alive. The two boys hanging are the boys that were working on the farm nearby. An episode that finally kind of ends on a good note.

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