Game of Thrones: Episode 15 & 16

Episode 15: The Ghost of Harrenhal

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

In Renly's camp, Lady Stark is claiming Robb's lack of interest in the Iron Throne. Renly agrees to receiving an oath of fealty to Renly. Melisandre's vagina monster from last night is clearly going to cause us a problem considering everything is going well and it does by stabbing Renly who dies in Brienne's arms. She slaughters the first responders mercilessly and has a little cry for herself having lost the King she loved. Catelyn ensures they make a quick getaway.

Loras Tyrell is angry and vengeful. Littlefinger is whispering in his ear and also the ear of his sister who is no longer a Queen. She doesn't want to be a Queen however, she wants to be the Queen.

Cersei is drunk. They have received the news of Renly's death. Herself and Tyrion are arguing. The relationship has somehow soured even further. Thankfully Lancel Lannister is in Tyrion's ear who is claiming the plan is to use wild fire against Stannis. Bronn has a good laugh at the entire situation.

Stannis refuses to speak on what Davos saw in the cave. Davos, as a loyal supporter of Stannis, is not happy. Davos, for some reason, doesn't trust Melisandre and Stannis agrees she won't come with them to King's Landing. Davos, the former smuggler, will lead the fleet.

Tyrion is walking through the disgusting parts of King's Landing with Bronn by his side. Tyrion is worried about Stannis and Bronn is making japes. They agree that Joffrey is a lost cause.

Theon Greyjoy is about to meet the ship he will command along with it's men. He's being a bit of a dick as well and the crew are giving him plenty of lip. His sister helps the men poke fun. He makes one friend who gives him ideas. They decide that they're going to raid Winterfell purely so Theon will gain the respect of his crew.

Arya is playing cup bearer for Tywin Lannister during his war council meeting. They speak mainly about her brother. He's angry and makes conversation with Arya before catching her out in a lie. He knows she's a northerner. She is sent to fetch water and when she does, she meets Jaqen H'ghar again, now a Lannister man. A man is speaking in his funny manner. He wants to pay his debts, 3 deaths for the 3 lives that Arya saved. He's like the Game of Thrones genie. The first person she wishes death on is the man who tortures everyone.

The Men of the Night's Watch are marching beyond the Wall. Sam is still in love. They set up camp and wait. There's some other rangers coming to meet up with them, including the legendary Quran Halfhand.

Tyrion is talking to a pyromancer who makes wildfire. Apparently it will burn flesh and anything it comes in contact with. The Targaryen's replaced their dragons with wildfire when they died out. Bronn is talking sense about wild fire and the fact that catapulting wild fire would burn down the city as well from the hullaballoo of battle. They pyromancers have thousands of pots of wild fire ready.

Daenerys's dragons are able to feed themselves now. Xaro has a thing for Daenerys it would appear. The Dothraki are having great fun stealing and trying to steal when a creepy looking warlock arrives to greet Daenerys. He invites her to the House of the Undying along with his body double. Ser Jorah is getting jealous and some masked woman realizes it. It's a strange scene overall.

Brienne and Catelyn are in a woods together on the way to Robb's camp. They don't know what killed Renly but the consensus is Stannis had something to do with it. Brienne offers to serve Catelyn Stark provided she does not hold her back from Stannis. They are entering into a strictly platonic lesbian relationship.

Bran has to listen to more shit from people and his little brother, Rickon, is acting out. Torrin Square is under attack so Bran sends all the men he has to protect it leaving Winterfell completely vulnerable. Bran talks to Osha a little more about the three-eyed crow and his dreams. Bran probably hasn't had a haircut since King Robert visited. He's dreamt of the ruin of Winterfell. Sounds like the three-eyed crow isn't good news.

The Halfhand is telling the rest of the Night's Watch of Mance Rayder's plans and the wildling army he has amassed. He sounds like a bad ass because he was once a man of the Night's Watch. The Halfhand wants to sneak in and kill Mance Rayder with a small party of men, including Jon Snow who invited himself along.

Xaro tells Daenerys that Ser Jorah Mormont is in love with her. Xaro came from nothing to be the richest man in Qarth. He shows her his vault which is impregnable. He offers her half of what is in the vault by way of a marriage proposal. Together they will conquer the Seven Kingdoms. Ser Jorah offers caution which she rubbishes but then seems to agree with.

Arya is teaching Gendry how to use a sword while he doesn't wear a shirt. There's a noise and we see that the man who Arya wished dead has died mysteriously. She spends some seconds in silent contemplation.

Episode 16: The Old Gods and the New

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Winterfell is under attack. Maester Luwin gets a raven off to someone in time. It's Theon and his men and he's acting like a small child. He tells Bran that he's taken his castle. People give Theon plenty of lip because he's a little shit. Osha offers her services to him which sickens Bran rightly. He thought they were friends. Ser Rodrik gets captured and is none too happy either. There's some very harsh words and Ser Rodrik spits in his face which obviously means that he has to be beheaded. Everyone is horrified at the thought including Theon but he is too busy trying to impress his men. Maester Luwin urges caution which falls on deaf ears and Theon draws his sword. Bran cries. It takes Theon several hacks and a kick to the head before it finally rolls free. Theon looks demented.

Beyond the Wall, the Halfhand and Jon Snow are talking about how well the wildlings know their own land. They also talk about death which is all very morbid. 
Arya is helping Tywin Lannister who is unhappy which makes no change. He dismisses one of his men because he can't read. Then Littlefinger enters which is a serious problem for Arya because he knows who she is. They talk of Renly's death. Littlefinger is trying to garner a relationship between the Tyrells and the Lannisters. He also fills him in on what he met with Catelyn Stark about and Arya somehow manages to hide her face throughout.

The Halfhand and Jon Snow's band of men set upon a gang of wildlings and kill all but one, who is a girl. Jon is afraid to kill her. She reckons there's hundreds and thousands of free folk amassed nearby. The Halfhand leaves him to kill the wildling girl, Ygritte, but he can't rise to the occasion. She then escapes and he chases. He gets outrun by a girl but finally captures her only to realize he's totally lost and can't find his way back without her help.

Myrcella is being sent to Dorn. Cersei wishes all forms of ill on Tyrion because if it. As they walk back through town Joffrey gets walloped in the face with a pile of cow shit. He demands that everyone should be killed. Everyone. The people are angry and literally rip one of the guards apart. Sansa is running with no one to protect her. Joffrey is seething and Tyrion is screaming at him. Then Tyrion slaps him. Everyone is angry and Tyrion is looking for Sansa who is in fairly serious danger of getting raped. The Hound commits some gruesome murders and brings her back relatively safe. 
Daenerys is waiting for another of the Thirteen. He is absolutely obnoxious. She wants the Seven Kingdoms and to do this she needs his ships. He doesn't see it as a very good investment, thus refusing. She makes quite a case for herself and then makes some serious threats which are brushed off.

Arya is clearing Tywin's table when she sees a note. Tywin spots her and asks how she learned to read. He tells her of how he cured Jaime's dyslexia. While she sidetracks him with questions, she steals the note from the table pertaining to Robb Stark. One of Tywin's men catches her and there's a chase before he decides to return to Tywin with the note. Arya finds Jagen H'ghar. She needs his services urgently and a man does what needs to be done.

Robb Stark is thinking about his cock and where he might like to put it. He is talking to the sexy nurse who can amputate legs. It appears she is of noble birth. He is about to ask her on a date when Catelyn returns. Catelyn warns Robb to remember his vow to Walder Frey. Then they receive the news from Winterfell.

Jon Snow and Ygritte are lost and the darkness is descending. They snuggle for warmth. She tries to turn him on.

Robb cannot believe the news. He is ready to march back North but instead sends the bastard of Roose Bolton to complete the job. Robb wants Theon brought to him alive to take his head himself.

Osha is in Theon's chamber pleading for her life so she takes off what little clothes she has. The way to Theon's heart is through his overactive cock. He promises her freedom for a night of good sex.

Shae is cleaning up Sansa and she is feeling sorry for herself. They seems to have become quite good friends.

In the middle of the night, Osha creeps from Theon's bed in that wildling way she does. Out in the courtyard, she is caught so pretends she wants to suck the guy off before slicing a knife right across his throat. Hodor is ready with Bran and Rickon and all four escape. 

Daenerys is getting nothing from the rich men of Qarth. Of course when she returns, many of Daenerys' men have been slain and her dragons stolen. Xaro Xoan Doxus appears to know nothing about it.

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