Game of Thrones: Episode 11 & 12

Episode 11: The North Remembers

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

In an amazing feat the entire first season is summarized in the same time it takes to roll through the opening sequence.

We open with the Hound killing someone quite bloodily (what's new?) and Joffrey being especially cruel to Sansa and a drunken knight who he almost kills by giving him all of the wine that he can drink and then some. Sansa saves the idiot's life just on time for Tyrion to make his grand entrance. Sansa is pandering to Joffrey for fear of the consequences.

Tyrion continues to ruin everyone's day (except the viewer) by entering the Small Council meeting. They are discussing the end of summer. The Starks were right, winter has come. He breaks the news to them that he is acting Hand of the King. Cersei loses her shit immediately. They argue over the war and Ned Stark's death. The Lannisters should have three Starks to trade but instead have one, which Tyrion makes sure Cersei realizes is squarely on her.

An Irish man is pleading with Bran for men to repair his hold-fast in rather colorful language. Bran is dreaming of being a direwolf. Or is he a direwolf? He talks to Osha about the comet which she takes to mean the dragons are back because the stars don't fall for men.

Daenerys' horse dies as they journey through the red waste with the dragons in toe. They're starving and old with no end of desert in sight. Ser Jorah imparts knowledge on her and she makes a decision, sending riders in every direction  to see what lies ahead. This is her Hail Mary throw.

Beyond the Wall, the men of the Night's Watch come upon the keep of Craster, a man who marries his daughters and is an all round miserable prick. He takes a liking to Jon Snow because he's a pretty little bastard and warns him not to go near any of his wife-daughters. The Lord Commander echoes the warning to Jon and tells him that if he ever wants to lead, he must learn to follow. They speak of Mance Rayder, a former-man-of-the-Night's-Watch-turned-wildling, now calling himself the King Beyond the Wall.

We are now on a strange beach where a religious ceremony is talking place, the burning of the Seven Gods. This is where me meet Ser Davos Seaworth and Stannis Baratheon, who has taken to the Red Priestess, Melissandre and the Lord of Light. He's a miserable bastard too. He does have a fantastic table though. A Priest belonging to the Seven attempts to kill Melissandre using poison but only succeeds in killing himself although they both drink from the same cup. She is pure evil. The night is dark and full of terrors.

Robb Stark goes to speak with Jaime Lannister, who hasn't lost his humor. He gets threatened with his direwolf and most probably shits himself just a little. It now seems to be common knowledge that Joffrey is Jaime's bastard, which Robb has no problem in imparting.

Back in King's Landing Shae and Tyrion host another great conversation. Then, presumably, they fuck. The Queen and Littlefinger have a far better conversation, again speaking in riddles and not-so-idle threats. They appear to both be very dangerous people, Cersei proving it more-so with some very powerful words and actions.

Robb sends word to the Lannisters outlining his peace terms, claiming dominion over the north. He knows they will be rejected. Theon Greyjoy wishes to go home and ask his father for his ships to take King's Landing. Catelyn warns him against it as she doesn't trust him. Catelyn is ready to go back to Winterfell, but Robb wants her to ride south to negotiate with Renly Baratheon to side with him against the Lannisters.

Joffrey is doing some redecorating in the Throne Room. He questions Cersei about the rumor that he is Jaime's bastard and gets a swift slap from her. He decides against beheading her. We are in Littlefinger's brothel with some whore going at it hammer and tongs. Ros seems to have gained many promotions and is running the place. The Kingsguard comes in and slaughters a whore's baby, one that Ned Stark once found to be Robert Baratheon's bastard. This is repeated for every one of his suspected bastards except for Gendry who has escaped the capital with Yoren and the Night's Watch.

Episode 12: The Nightlands

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Arya, or Arry as she is now known, is taking an elongated long piss in the woods. Jaqen H'ghar and his two filthy companions are prisoners going to the Wall. He seems nice but very strange. Gold Cloaks arrive and  Arya tells Gendry they are looking for her. Yoren tells them to go fuck themselves with a quick blade to the groin, but doesn't spill any blood. Turns out they're looking for Gendry, unsurprisingly after how the previous episode ended.

Tyrion is whistling until he realizes that Varys has met Shae. There is sexual innuendo involving fish pie, many riddles and some threats before Varys and Tyrion head off to a Small Council meeting together. Robb's peace terms are not well received and Cersei rips up the paper, which she is very good at by now. They also have word from the Wall looking for more men, which everyone but Tyrion laughs off.

Beyond the Wall, Ghost, Jon Snow's direwolf, is scaring one of Craster's daughters. Sam instantly falls in love when she calls him brave. The girl, Gilly, is pregnant and Sam wants to take her with them. She is afraid of what will happen if the baby is a boy. Jon Snow decides they can't help her for a number of reasons.

Daenerys and her people are in serious trouble, tired, hot and hungry, when one of her blood riders returns. Or at least his head does, in his horse's saddle bag. This is quite a big blow for everyone's morale.

Theon Greyjoy is nearly home. He's boning a very poor looking girl underneath the deck. She's begging him to take her as a salt wife (glorified whore) but he has no interest.

In Littlefinger's brothel, everyone is a voyeur and Ros is crying. She's still trying to get over the ordeal where the Gold Cloaks killed the baby. Littlefinger is very nice and caring to begin with before telling her a story. He hates bad investments and will do anything to mitigate his losses. He allows her to take the night off but tells her she needs to be happy from now on. It is by no means an idle threat.

Tyrion invites Lord Janos Slynt, the Commander of the City Watch, to dinner and dismisses him from his position for slaughtering babies and betraying Ned Stark. Tyrion has no interest in getting killed so he installs Bronn to the position. He is utterly without scruples but loyal to Tyrion's money.

Gendry and Arya are becoming good friends in a roundabout sort of way. He knows she's a girl and tells her to pull her cock out. She caves and tells him who she is. He seems quite unfazed by it all, although somewhat embarrassed that she's most probably seen his penis.

Theon Greyjoy has reached the dock and the big welcome party he expected has not materialized. A girl offers his a ride to his future castle, and he attempts to get another ride out of her. She lets him go a certain distance but not all the way just yet. He meets his father in the castle, Baelon Greyjoy.  He's yet another miserable man, not impressed with the man Theon has become. Baelon has an abiding hatred for Ned Stark, who was responsible for the deaths of his other two sons. Just then the girl he was fondling on horseback walks in - his sister which is quite disturbing. Baelon Greyjoy rejects Robb Stark's terms and decides he will take his crown for himself.

Ser Davos Seaworth, the former smuggler tries to convince a pirate to give him his ships for an assault on King's Landing which he does. The pirate also has his own god, the one between a woman's legs. Davos's son has taken the Lord of Light as his god and Davos says that Stannis is his.

Tyrion and Cersei are arguing again, this time over Janos Slynt's dismissal and the slaughter of the children. It was Joffrey's order which Cersei tries to stand by. Cersei blames Tyrion for their mother's death as if it could somehow have been his fault. It wounds the little lion.

Stannis and Davos are discussing tactics. Melisandre is acting the bollocks again and is left alone in the room with Stannis, who is worried about how he is going to defeat Renly. Melisandre decides that the best way to do that is to fuck her royally on his war table. It takes him longer to come around to the idea than it does to come inside her. She promises him a son which seals the deal.

At Craster's keep, Jon Snow is awake, most likely standing watch when he sees Craster head out with a new born baby in his arms. There's all sorts of scary sounds as Jon runs to see where Craster has left the baby. He sees something huge come and take the baby, just on time for him to see Craster crack him on the side of the head.

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