Game of Thrones: Season 2

Episode 11: The North Remembers

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

In an amazing feat the entire first season is summarized in the same time it takes to roll through the opening sequence.

We open with the Hound killing someone quite bloodily (what's new?) and Joffrey being especially cruel to Sansa and a drunken knight who he almost kills by giving him all of the wine that he can drink and then some. Sansa saves the idiot's life just on time for Tyrion to make his grand entrance. Sansa is pandering to Joffrey for fear of the consequences.

Tyrion continues to ruin everyone's day (except the viewer) by entering the Small Council meeting. They are discussing the end of summer. The Starks were right, winter has come. He breaks the news to them that he is acting Hand of the King. Cersei loses her shit immediately. They argue over the war and Ned Stark's death. The Lannisters should have three Starks to trade but instead have one, which Tyrion makes sure Cersei realizes is squarely on her.

An Irish man is pleading with Bran for men to repair his hold-fast in rather colorful language. Bran is dreaming of being a direwolf. Or is he a direwolf? He talks to Osha about the comet which she takes to mean the dragons are back because the stars don't fall for men.

Daenerys' horse dies as they journey through the red waste with the dragons in toe. They're starving and old with no end of desert in sight. Ser Jorah imparts knowledge on her and she makes a decision, sending riders in every direction  to see what lies ahead. This is her Hail Mary throw.

Beyond the Wall, the men of the Night's Watch come upon the keep of Craster, a man who marries his daughters and is an all round miserable prick. He takes a liking to Jon Snow because he's a pretty little bastard and warns him not to go near any of his wife-daughters. The Lord Commander echoes the warning to Jon and tells him that if he ever wants to lead, he must learn to follow. They speak of Mance Rayder, a former-man-of-the-Night's-Watch-turned-wildling, now calling himself the King Beyond the Wall.

We are now on a strange beach where a religious ceremony is talking place, the burning of the Seven Gods. This is where me meet Ser Davos Seaworth and Stannis Baratheon, who has taken to the Red Priestess, Melissandre and the Lord of Light. He's a miserable bastard too. He does have a fantastic table though. A Priest belonging to the Seven attempts to kill Melissandre using poison but only succeeds in killing himself although they both drink from the same cup. She is pure evil. The night is dark and full of terrors.

Robb Stark goes to speak with Jaime Lannister, who hasn't lost his humor. He gets threatened with his direwolf and most probably shits himself just a little. It now seems to be common knowledge that Joffrey is Jaime's bastard, which Robb has no problem in imparting.

Back in King's Landing Shae and Tyrion host another great conversation. Then, presumably, they fuck. The Queen and Littlefinger have a far better conversation, again speaking in riddles and not-so-idle threats. They appear to both be very dangerous people, Cersei proving it more-so with some very powerful words and actions.

Robb sends word to the Lannisters outlining his peace terms, claiming dominion over the north. He knows they will be rejected. Theon Greyjoy wishes to go home and ask his father for his ships to take King's Landing. Catelyn warns him against it as she doesn't trust him. Catelyn is ready to go back to Winterfell, but Robb wants her to ride south to negotiate with Renly Baratheon to side with him against the Lannisters.

Joffrey is doing some redecorating in the Throne Room. He questions Cersei about the rumor that he is Jaime's bastard and gets a swift slap from her. He decides against beheading her. We are in Littlefinger's brothel with some whore going at it hammer and tongs. Ros seems to have gained many promotions and is running the place. The Kingsguard comes in and slaughters a whore's baby, one that Ned Stark once found to be Robert Baratheon's bastard. This is repeated for every one of his suspected bastards except for Gendry who has escaped the capital with Yoren and the Night's Watch.

Episode 12: The Nightlands

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Arya, or Arry as she is now known, is taking an elongated long piss in the woods. Jaqen H'ghar and his two filthy companions are prisoners going to the Wall. He seems nice but very strange. Gold Cloaks arrive and  Arya tells Gendry they are looking for her. Yoren tells them to go fuck themselves with a quick blade to the groin, but doesn't spill any blood. Turns out they're looking for Gendry, unsurprisingly after how the previous episode ended.

Tyrion is whistling until he realizes that Varys has met Shae. There is sexual innuendo involving fish pie, many riddles and some threats before Varys and Tyrion head off to a Small Council meeting together. Robb's peace terms are not well received and Cersei rips up the paper, which she is very good at by now. They also have word from the Wall looking for more men, which everyone but Tyrion laughs off.

Beyond the Wall, Ghost, Jon Snow's direwolf, is scaring one of Craster's daughters. Sam instantly falls in love when she calls him brave. The girl, Gilly, is pregnant and Sam wants to take her with them. She is afraid of what will happen if the baby is a boy. Jon Snow decides they can't help her for a number of reasons.

Daenerys and her people are in serious trouble, tired, hot and hungry, when one of her blood riders returns. Or at least his head does, in his horse's saddle bag. This is quite a big blow for everyone's morale.

Theon Greyjoy is nearly home. He's boning a very poor looking girl underneath the deck. She's begging him to take her as a salt wife (glorified whore) but he has no interest.

In Littlefinger's brothel, everyone is a voyeur and Ros is crying. She's still trying to get over the ordeal where the Gold Cloaks killed the baby. Littlefinger is very nice and caring to begin with before telling her a story. He hates bad investments and will do anything to mitigate his losses. He allows her to take the night off but tells her she needs to be happy from now on. It is by no means an idle threat.

Tyrion invites Lord Janos Slynt, the Commander of the City Watch, to dinner and dismisses him from his position for slaughtering babies and betraying Ned Stark. Tyrion has no interest in getting killed so he installs Bronn to the position. He is utterly without scruples but loyal to Tyrion's money.

Gendry and Arya are becoming good friends in a roundabout sort of way. He knows she's a girl and tells her to pull her cock out. She caves and tells him who she is. He seems quite unfazed by it all, although somewhat embarrassed that she's most probably seen his penis.

Theon Greyjoy has reached the dock and the big welcome party he expected has not materialized. A girl offers his a ride to his future castle, and he attempts to get another ride out of her. She lets him go a certain distance but not all the way just yet. He meets his father in the castle, Baelon Greyjoy.  He's yet another miserable man, not impressed with the man Theon has become. Baelon has an abiding hatred for Ned Stark, who was responsible for the deaths of his other two sons. Just then the girl he was fondling on horseback walks in - his sister which is quite disturbing. Baelon Greyjoy rejects Robb Stark's terms and decides he will take his crown for himself.

Ser Davos Seaworth, the former smuggler tries to convince a pirate to give him his ships for an assault on King's Landing which he does. The pirate also has his own god, the one between a woman's legs. Davos's son has taken the Lord of Light as his god and Davos says that Stannis is his.

Tyrion and Cersei are arguing again, this time over Janos Slynt's dismissal and the slaughter of the children. It was Joffrey's order which Cersei tries to stand by. Cersei blames Tyrion for their mother's death as if it could somehow have been his fault. It wounds the little lion.

Stannis and Davos are discussing tactics. Melisandre is acting the bollocks again and is left alone in the room with Stannis, who is worried about how he is going to defeat Renly. Melisandre decides that the best way to do that is to fuck her royally on his war table. It takes him longer to come around to the idea than it does to come inside her. She promises him a son which seals the deal.

At Craster's keep, Jon Snow is awake, most likely standing watch when he sees Craster head out with a new born baby in his arms. There's all sorts of scary sounds as Jon runs to see where Craster has left the baby. He sees something huge come and take the baby, just on time for him to see Craster crack him on the side of the head.

Episode 13: What Is Dead May Never Die

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

We open beyond the Wall where Craster has given Jon a reasonably good beating. Lord Commander Mormont is furious and Jon is disappointed that he knew what Craster was doing all along. They put it down to religion as Craster serves crueler gods. The Watch needs men like Craster in order to survive, horrible and all as it is for them to admit. They'll be leaving at dawn. Sam gives Gilly a token of his affection and promises to return. Poor bastard is smitten.

Hodor is Hodoring again and Bran seems to be in his direwolf's body. He tells Maester Luwin about his "dreams". He feels that his dreams are true, some of them at least. Maester Luwin tells him that there is no magic in the world any more.

There is a fight between two armored warriors, watched by King Renly and a smashing looking lady who we take to be his Queen. One of the fighters is Ser Loras, the Knight of Flowers who the Queen is rooting for but he loses. He is beaten by a massive woman, Brienne of Tarth. The Queen is Margaery Tyrell, Loras' sister. Brienne wishes to be in Renly's Kings Guard which is unheard of for a woman. This request is granted.

Catelyn approaches and pleasantries are exchanged. She means business and doesn't dare to smile for people might think she has a will to live. Brienne and Catelyn are butting heads. Brienne must be seven foot tall.

Theon's sister approaches and Theon is angry with her because she let him feel her up. Baelon Greyjoy is going to attack the north while Robb Stark is gone south. Theon doesn't get as big a slice of the action as he would like. He barely even gets the most burnt part of the crust on the smallest slice. He wants to prove himself to his father but he also gets a slap from Baelon, who Theon claims is a complete bollocks for giving him away in the first place.

Shae is also pissed off. She's got cabin fever and Tyrion isn't sure what to do about it. He's afraid of who might find out about her, be it his sister or his father.

There's a horribly awkward meal taking place between the Queen Regent, Sansa and her two children that aren't Joffrey. We are unsure who the show is being put on for. Shae enters Sansa's room after the meal as her new hand maiden. Sasa is a complete jerk to her but it's just because so terribly unhappy herself.

Pycelle gives Tyrion a vile of something to allow him to deal with his constipation. He tells Pycelle that he plans to marry Myrcella, Cersei's daughter, off to a son of the Martells of Dorn. He tells Varys that he wishes to marry her to Theon Greyjoy and Littlefinger, he tells that he wishes to wed her to Lysa Arryn's son. This is quite a clever trick from the imp. Tyrion offers him Harrenhal, a questionably cursed city, to deliver Lysa Arryn's favorable response.

Renly and Loras Tyrell are getting hot and heavy and it almost looks like there's going to be some butt sex but Loras loses it because he is reminded that Brienne is a member of the Kings Guard. He decides not to put out, instead hoping Renly will impregnate his sister. She enters and he fails to, blaming it on the wine rather than this crippling homosexuality. She knows about this and is ok with it. She even offers to fetch her brother to help but it's not enough for poor Renly. She just wants a royal baby in her belly.

Cersei confronts Tyrion and says that he is not allowed to ship Myrcella off to Dorn, proving that it is Pycelle who betrayed him. Cersei is overcome with all sorts of emotion.

Theon writes Robb Stark a letter and then burns it. He reaffirms his faith in the drowned god, the god of his family. This probably won't end well and he seems to know it.

Tyrion is confronted by Littlefinger who is none too happy about being lied to. Tyrion wants to send him to attempt to release Jaime by sweet-talking Catelyn. Tyrion interrupts Pycelle as he is with a whore. Pycelle claims to always serve house Lannister but has done an awful lot of betraying and spying for the Queen. Tyrion next speaks with Varys who literally speaks in riddles this time. Power resides where men believe it resides.

Ayra is sharpening Needle when Yoren comes in. She can't sleep and doesn't like wine. Probably because she's only 10. She's reliving Ned's beheading. Yoren tells Arya the story of how he got to the Wall when a horn sounds. They're under attack. He tells Arya and Gendry to stay out of sight. A bloody battle ensues with Yoren fighting like a drunken hero until he gets skewered. Arya saves Jaqen H'ghar but everyone gets caught. They take any survivors back to Harenhal as they think they've already killed Gendry, completing their mission.

Episode 14: Garden of Bones

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

We open in the pissing rain with two never-before-seen men keeping watch. They are Lannister men and they are shooting the breeze. It seems the fact that Renly and Loras are ass bandits is common knowledge. The horses are a little spooked, tension builds and then one of them rips an earth shattering fart. Having laughed for a suitable length of time, they get slaughtered by Robb's direwolf. Robb wins another huge victory and we meet Roose Bolton, one of his bannermen who enjoys the art of flaying,

Robb sees a pretty nurse tending the wounded on the battlefield. He holds a man down while she takes his leg. As she hacks through the man's shin bone, Robb falls in love. She is angry at him for waging war in the first place but Robb tries to defend his corner. He's fighting to overthrow a King who sits on a throne he doesn't want.

Joffrey is aiming a crossbow at Sansa, blaming her for Robb's latest victory. Apparently he has an army of wolves and his men like to eat people. He has one of his men beat the shit out of her and rips off her clothes until Tyrion interjects. He is not impressed but still hilarious. He is also kind to Sansa, knowing her to be innocent. Bronn then delivers probably the greatest line of the season to try and help Joffrey.

Between Tyrion and Bronn, they decided that Joffrey needs to dip his penis in something so Tyrion buys him a couple of whores. Joffrey doesn't want them to touch him but each other. Then he gets Ros to hit the other whore and before long she is beating the shit out of her with blunt instruments. It is difficult to watch but Joffrey seems to enjoy it. He is quite the sadist.

Littlefinger has arrived at Renly's camp. Renly dislikes Littlefinger but he offers his services nonetheless giving priority to his life. He then taps up Margaery Tyrell and they have a smart conversation as is customary when Littlefinger is involved. Margaery gives nothing away.

One of Daenerys' blood riders have returned with good news. They are going to Qarth which sounds like an isolated and dangerous place.

Arya, Gendry et al have arrived at Harrenhal and it is a disgusting monstrosity that smells of dead people. It seems everyone is getting killed, day after day. They are chained up outside and Arya is reciting a list of 4 people she wants to kill - Joffrey, Cersei, Ilyn Payne and the Hound.

Littlefinger meets Catelyn and she pulls a dagger on him for his betrayal of Ned. He is unperturbed. He offers her Sansa and Arya, at least one of whom are not his to give. All he wants is Jaime Lannister in return. He also gives her a gift of Tyrion's good will, Ned Stark's bones.

Back at Harrenhal, the Mountain is picking the next person to be tortured and killed. The torture is conducted in front of every one else. Arya adds a couple more people to her list.

Renly and Stannis are meeting and Catelyn Stark accompanies. They talk some smack and there will clearly be no agreement between the two.

The Dothraki have arrived at Qarth and are greeted outside the city walls by the 13, leaders of the city. They are interested in the dragons and little else and refuse to let her in until they see them. She threatens them as best she can. Xaro Xhoan Daxos, one of the 13 allows them to enter.

In Harrenhal, Gendry is about to get interrogated when Tywin Lannister arrives. Arya is picked as his cup bearer. He knows she is a girl, but not a Stark.

Lancel Lannister is sent to tell Tyrion to release Pycelle. Of course, Tyrion knows that Cersei has been fucking him and he is not able to deny it. Lancel knows he is in trouble. Tyrion plays him for a complete fool and now has a spy. Another victory for the half man.

Ser Davos and Stannis are speaking on the past and how they came to be so close. Davos is to bring Melisandre ashore under the cover of darkness to do Stannis' bidding. We are unsure exactly what that might be but it feels like it will be dark and full of terrors. Melisandre insinuates that she is going to fuck Davos but we soon find out that is not true. She just allows him to see her naked and she reveals what must be the quickest sex-to-going-into-labor of all time. What she is pregnant with needs to be seen to be believed. A black cloud monster crawls out of her vagina and away down the passage that has been barred to them. It is quite surreal. The first "holy fuck" moment of season 2.

Episode 15: The Ghost of Harrenhal

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

In Renly's camp, Lady Stark is claiming Robb's lack of interest in the Iron Throne. Renly agrees to receiving an oath of fealty to Renly. Melisandre's vagina monster from last night is clearly going to cause us a problem considering everything is going well and it does by stabbing Renly who dies in Brienne's arms. She slaughters the first responders mercilessly and has a little cry for herself having lost the King she loved. Catelyn ensures they make a quick getaway.

Loras Tyrell is angry and vengeful. Littlefinger is whispering in his ear and also the ear of his sister who is no longer a Queen. She doesn't want to be a Queen however, she wants to be the Queen.

Cersei is drunk. They have received the news of Renly's death. Herself and Tyrion are arguing. The relationship has somehow soured even further. Thankfully Lancel Lannister is in Tyrion's ear who is claiming the plan is to use wild fire against Stannis. Bronn has a good laugh at the entire situation.

Stannis refuses to speak on what Davos saw in the cave. Davos, as a loyal supporter of Stannis, is not happy. Davos, for some reason, doesn't trust Melisandre and Stannis agrees she won't come with them to King's Landing. Davos, the former smuggler, will lead the fleet.

Tyrion is walking through the disgusting parts of King's Landing with Bronn by his side. Tyrion is worried about Stannis and Bronn is making japes. They agree that Joffrey is a lost cause.

Theon Greyjoy is about to meet the ship he will command along with it's men. He's being a bit of a dick as well and the crew are giving him plenty of lip. His sister helps the men poke fun. He makes one friend who gives him ideas. They decide that they're going to raid Winterfell purely so Theon will gain the respect of his crew.

Arya is playing cup bearer for Tywin Lannister during his war council meeting. They speak mainly about her brother. He's angry and makes conversation with Arya before catching her out in a lie. He knows she's a northerner. She is sent to fetch water and when she does, she meets Jaqen H'ghar again, now a Lannister man. A man is speaking in his funny manner. He wants to pay his debts, 3 deaths for the 3 lives that Arya saved. He's like the Game of Thrones genie. The first person she wishes death on is the man who tortures everyone.

The Men of the Night's Watch are marching beyond the Wall. Sam is still in love. They set up camp and wait. There's some other rangers coming to meet up with them, including the legendary Quran Halfhand.

Tyrion is talking to a pyromancer who makes wildfire. Apparently it will burn flesh and anything it comes in contact with. The Targaryen's replaced their dragons with wildfire when they died out. Bronn is talking sense about wild fire and the fact that catapulting wild fire would burn down the city as well from the hullaballoo of battle. They pyromancers have thousands of pots of wild fire ready.

Daenerys's dragons are able to feed themselves now. Xaro has a thing for Daenerys it would appear. The Dothraki are having great fun stealing and trying to steal when a creepy looking warlock arrives to greet Daenerys. He invites her to the House of the Undying along with his body double. Ser Jorah is getting jealous and some masked woman realizes it. It's a strange scene overall.

Brienne and Catelyn are in a woods together on the way to Robb's camp. They don't know what killed Renly but the consensus is Stannis had something to do with it. Brienne offers to serve Catelyn Stark provided she does not hold her back from Stannis. They are entering into a strictly platonic lesbian relationship.

Bran has to listen to more shit from people and his little brother, Rickon, is acting out. Torrin Square is under attack so Bran sends all the men he has to protect it leaving Winterfell completely vulnerable. Bran talks to Osha a little more about the three-eyed crow and his dreams. Bran probably hasn't had a haircut since King Robert visited. He's dreamt of the ruin of Winterfell. Sounds like the three-eyed crow isn't good news.

The Halfhand is telling the rest of the Night's Watch of Mance Rayder's plans and the wildling army he has amassed. He sounds like a bad ass because he was once a man of the Night's Watch. The Halfhand wants to sneak in and kill Mance Rayder with a small party of men, including Jon Snow who invited himself along.

Xaro tells Daenerys that Ser Jorah Mormont is in love with her. Xaro came from nothing to be the richest man in Qarth. He shows her his vault which is impregnable. He offers her half of what is in the vault by way of a marriage proposal. Together they will conquer the Seven Kingdoms. Ser Jorah offers caution which she rubbishes but then seems to agree with.

Arya is teaching Gendry how to use a sword while he doesn't wear a shirt. There's a noise and we see that the man who Arya wished dead has died mysteriously. She spends some seconds in silent contemplation.

Episode 16: The Old Gods and the New

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Winterfell is under attack. Maester Luwin gets a raven off to someone in time. It's Theon and his men and he's acting like a small child. He tells Bran that he's taken his castle. People give Theon plenty of lip because he's a little shit. Osha offers her services to him which sickens Bran rightly. He thought they were friends. Ser Rodrik gets captured and is none too happy either. There's some very harsh words and Ser Rodrik spits in his face which obviously means that he has to be beheaded. Everyone is horrified at the thought including Theon but he is too busy trying to impress his men. Maester Luwin urges caution which falls on deaf ears and Theon draws his sword. Bran cries. It takes Theon several hacks and a kick to the head before it finally rolls free. Theon looks demented.

Beyond the Wall, the Halfhand and Jon Snow are talking about how well the wildlings know their own land. They also talk about death which is all very morbid. 
Arya is helping Tywin Lannister who is unhappy which makes no change. He dismisses one of his men because he can't read. Then Littlefinger enters which is a serious problem for Arya because he knows who she is. They talk of Renly's death. Littlefinger is trying to garner a relationship between the Tyrells and the Lannisters. He also fills him in on what he met with Catelyn Stark about and Arya somehow manages to hide her face throughout.

The Halfhand and Jon Snow's band of men set upon a gang of wildlings and kill all but one, who is a girl. Jon is afraid to kill her. She reckons there's hundreds and thousands of free folk amassed nearby. The Halfhand leaves him to kill the wildling girl, Ygritte, but he can't rise to the occasion. She then escapes and he chases. He gets outrun by a girl but finally captures her only to realize he's totally lost and can't find his way back without her help.

Myrcella is being sent to Dorn. Cersei wishes all forms of ill on Tyrion because if it. As they walk back through town Joffrey gets walloped in the face with a pile of cow shit. He demands that everyone should be killed. Everyone. The people are angry and literally rip one of the guards apart. Sansa is running with no one to protect her. Joffrey is seething and Tyrion is screaming at him. Then Tyrion slaps him. Everyone is angry and Tyrion is looking for Sansa who is in fairly serious danger of getting raped. The Hound commits some gruesome murders and brings her back relatively safe. 
Daenerys is waiting for another of the Thirteen. He is absolutely obnoxious. She wants the Seven Kingdoms and to do this she needs his ships. He doesn't see it as a very good investment, thus refusing. She makes quite a case for herself and then makes some serious threats which are brushed off.

Arya is clearing Tywin's table when she sees a note. Tywin spots her and asks how she learned to read. He tells her of how he cured Jaime's dyslexia. While she sidetracks him with questions, she steals the note from the table pertaining to Robb Stark. One of Tywin's men catches her and there's a chase before he decides to return to Tywin with the note. Arya finds Jagen H'ghar. She needs his services urgently and a man does what needs to be done.

Robb Stark is thinking about his cock and where he might like to put it. He is talking to the sexy nurse who can amputate legs. It appears she is of noble birth. He is about to ask her on a date when Catelyn returns. Catelyn warns Robb to remember his vow to Walder Frey. Then they receive the news from Winterfell.

Jon Snow and Ygritte are lost and the darkness is descending. They snuggle for warmth. She tries to turn him on.

Robb cannot believe the news. He is ready to march back North but instead sends the bastard of Roose Bolton to complete the job. Robb wants Theon brought to him alive to take his head himself.

Osha is in Theon's chamber pleading for her life so she takes off what little clothes she has. The way to Theon's heart is through his overactive cock. He promises her freedom for a night of good sex.

Shae is cleaning up Sansa and she is feeling sorry for herself. They seems to have become quite good friends.

In the middle of the night, Osha creeps from Theon's bed in that wildling way she does. Out in the courtyard, she is caught so pretends she wants to suck the guy off before slicing a knife right across his throat. Hodor is ready with Bran and Rickon and all four escape. 

Daenerys is getting nothing from the rich men of Qarth. Of course when she returns, many of Daenerys' men have been slain and her dragons stolen. Xaro Xoan Doxus appears to know nothing about it.

Episode 17: A Man Without Honor

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Theon wakes up and realizes he's been betrayed. He's an angry little shit and decides to chase after Osha, Bran, Rickon and Hodor. Maester Luwin is quite uncomfortable about the whole situation. Meanwhile, the group of runaways have no food but they come upon a farmhouse. They try to make a decision.

Jon Snow has a boner after a night of snuggling with Ygritte. He's embarrassed and she's not. She knows that he's a virgin and starts asking what Jon considers inappropriate questions. They argue the semantics of what a prisoner might be and what exactly it means to be free. 

Tywin Lannister is hanging half of Harrenhal to find out what happened and who might have tried to kill him. He makes Arya eat his dinner for him which is quite awkward. Tywin says that he is retiring from warfare after this one, the one he will be remembered for. He talks of legacy again and changing the rules. They talk on the Targaryens and how most girls are idiots. Arya reminds Tywin of his own daughter which is surely not a good thing. He knows that she is not a low born girl and she tries her best to hide it but doesn't fool him. He enjoys her.

Sansa is still miserable. She is thanking The Hound for saving her life. He likes to kill people and says that Ned Stark enjoyed it too.

Xaro Xoan Doxus is promising Daenerys that he will get her dragons back for her. He's talking a huge amount of shite about how noble he is and how his word means everything.
Ygritte and Jon Snow are still arguing over who's better - the free folk or the people south of the Wall. She makes a good argument for the free folk and also offers her sexpertise. 

In Robb Stark's camp, Ser Ultan Lannister is back with the Queen's message. He is put in with Jaime Lannister while they built him a new cell.  The sexy nurse comes in to Robb's tent and she's out of supplies. They're painfully in love with each other.

Theon has reached the farmhouse but has lost the scent. There is nothing he won't do to find the scent again. He's going to kill the boys when he finds them. He sends Maester Luwin back to Winterfell and is sure he knows what he is doing.

Ser Jorah is back now that he knows what has happened in Qarth. One of Daenerys' hand maids is still missing, presumed dead. Daenerys is lonely because she has no people. She tells Jorah to find her dragons.  Jon Snow is still lost but pretends he's not.

Ygritte is having a great laugh about how they had sex even though they didn't. She's mad for it to actually happen. She says that her vagina doesn't have teeth and then she manages to escape and run away only to run Jon Snow into a trap.

Sansa is having a bad dream of when she was almost raped and she wakes up covered in blood. She's just had her first period. Shae walks in and tries to help her flip the mattress over. Shae threatens another hand maid who has seen the blood but when she comes back, The Hound has seen. Cersei tells her she's a woman now and tells her about the times she was pregnant. Cersei imparts some advice to Sansa - love your children and no one else.

Jaime is talking to Ser Ultan, trying to figure out who he is. He clearly worships Jaime. Squiring for him many years ago was the best day of his life. He seems like a nice lad. Jaime tells him his own story of when he squired. He knows how he's going to escape now that Ser Ultan is in with him so he kills him and then when Robb's man comes in he strangles him and frees himself.

Ser Jorah goes to the strange woman with the mask from the previous party. She knows he loves Daenerys and that he has betrayed her but she also knows something about the dragons. Daenerys is in front of the Thirteen begging for her dragons. The creepy looking Warlock from the House of the Undying admits to having them, along with Xaro Xoan Doxus. The Warlock murders the other eleven of the Thirteen with his magic and Daenerys runs. He is everywhere. 

The Kingslayer has been recaptured and everyone is ready to kill him. He's getting beaten. Lord Karstark wants to take Jaime's head for killing his son. Catelyn manages to stop him. This is an unhappy camp. Robb is under pressure. Jaime is still hilarious. 

Tyrion and Cersei are together again. Stannis has 200 ships that will be at the gates in 4-5 days. They talk on Joffrey and how difficult he is. Cersei even knows and she wonders if they're getting punished for their incest. She breaks down and shows, once again, that she is human. Tyrion and herself almost have a moment.

Robb's man are fighting among each other. Jaime Lannister is not going to last the night until Robb returns. Jaime talks about the unimportance of vows but is sidetracked by Brienne who he thinks is a beast. He invokes Ned Stark's honor when he fucked another woman. Catelyn asks for Brienne's sword.

Theon is unveiling something horrible. Two little boys hanged and tarred in Winterfell. Maester Luwin is distraught as he assumes it to be Bran and Rickon as does everyone else. 

Episode 18: The Prince of Winterfell

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Theon is getting a visit from his hard ass sister who has come to emasculate and belittle him with jibes and taunts. She thinks the little boys were brave and that Theon is a dumb cunt. Her words, not mine. She hasn't brought enough men to hold Winterfell. She's here to bring Theon home but he has other ideas. He thinks he can hold Winterfell and that Robb Stark won't find out. She pleads with him not to die so far from the sea.

Jon Snow has been brought back to the Lord of Bones where Quran Halfhand is already being held captive. Two people promise to chop Jon's balls off. The Halfhand tells Jon to ensure his comrades didn't die for nothing.

Robb is walking with the sexy nurse talking on Robb's betrothal and Ned Stark. They talk of everything and nothing until Robb receives the news that Catelyn Stark released the Jaime Lannister in the hope that she will get her two daughters. Robb places Catelyn under arrest as if that will make a blind bit of difference.

Brienne and Jaime are by a river and Jaime is still very funny. He likes to talk. He challenges her to a fight as is his modus operandi but she does not fall for it.

King's Landing hasn't a chance of standing up to Stannis' forces for more than an hour. Tywin Lannister is trying to make a plan with his war council. He plans to ride at nightfall to surprise Robb Stark's forces. Arya is worried and seeks out Jaqen H'ghar but she doesn't find him on time.

Jon and the Halfhand are talking in secret but pretending to fight in front of the free folk. The Halfhand wants him to gain their trust.

Tyrion and Bronn are having a slight tiff. Every little thing Bronn is doing is annoying Tyrion who is trying to plan the defense of King's Landing. To do this, seemingly he plans to use pig shit.

Sam, Grenn and the others are away on their own digging latrine pits when they find something buried. There's a shit load of dragon glass in it.

Arya sees Jaqen. She's not happy.She names him as her third person to kill. She unnames him provided he helps her and her friends escape, which he agrees to.

Cersei has brought Tyrion to dinner to persuade Tyrion to dissuade Joffrey from fighting against Stannis. Cersei says that Varys is so dangerous because he doesn't have a cock. Cersei's smile disarms Tyrion. He knows she's up to something. She has his whore. He tries to lie about his affections but Cersei sees through it. She brings in the whore but it is Ros, not Shae. Cersei has missed something. Tyrion promises vengeance. For a family who fuck each other, they're not very loving. Tyrion is quite deeply in love and it would appear that Shae is too.

Robb Stark and Roose Bolton speak on Theon and the taking of Winterfell. Robb fears for Bran and Rockon's safety. The sexy nurse asks Robb a stupid question but then she regales him with stories of her past and how she came to be a nurse. Robb finally proclaims his love for her and she him. And then they bang. She leaves her knee high boots on.

It's midnight and Arya is waiting to escape. They're wondering how they will walk out the gates without the guards seeing. It would seem Jaqen has held up his end of the bargain and they are already dead at their posts.

Stannis and Davos are speaking. They will be at King's Landing in a day. Stannis is bitter about the siege at Storm's End 17 years ago. Stannis offers Davos the job as his Hand when he becomes King.

Joffrey wants to march North while Stannis is almost at the gates. He also thinks he will kill Stannis himself. Tyrion and Varys talk. Varys is typically riddlesome. Tyrion would like to continue to play the game of thrones so he doesn't want to die, he wants the god of tits and wine. Varys has also heard that Daenerys is alive and has dragons.

Daenerys and Ser Jorah Mormont are speaking. Daenerys wants her dragons back and Jorah wants to leave Qarth very quickly.

Theon wishes to cut the boys down and bury them. Maester Luwin spots Osha heading into the crypts and looks at the two boys hanging and burned. She is hiding down there with the two boys and Hodor who are still alive. The two boys hanging are the boys that were working on the farm nearby. An episode that finally kind of ends on a good note.

Episode 19: Blackwater

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Stannis' fleet are still on the move. The men are in somber mood preparing for the fight. Davos' son is an awful dick entirely. Davos is explaining to him how things work. It sounds like they're getting quite close to King's Landing.

Tyrion is in bed and he is afraid. Shae promises to protect him. One would honestly think that she loves him. Grand Maester Pycelle is attempting to offer guidance to Cersei but he's rambling. He's brought her a poison of sorts.

Bronn and the men are singing and drinking and have a good number of whores to attend to them. Bronn tells his whore of the story of his nose and how many times he broke it. He tells her not to feel sorry for it because it'll be half way up her arse before the night is over. The Hound enters and makes things awkward. Himself and Bronn almost go toe to toe but the war bells sounds. It's time for war.

Varys has always hated the bells and Tyrion is getting his armor fitted by Podric, his squire. Varys presents Tyrion with a map he previously asked for, detailing the tunnels beneath the city. They talk of Melisandre and the possibility of magic. They're worried about Stannis, serving such evil powers, sitting on the Iron Throne.

We're back on the ship with Davos and this shit is happening. Bronn and Tyrion are good friends. Everyone is saying their goodbyes and Joffrey makes Sansa kiss his blade. She's clearly grown a little confidence and enjoys giving what she gets.

The place is fucking pandemonium but there are no ships in the bay. Everyone on both sides is wondering how they're going to defend the city without ships. Inside Cersei is drinking with Sansa. It looks like she'll be getting very drunk.

Outside everyone is still bemused at the lack of Lannister ships. One ship goes out to meet them. One ship. There's no one on board. It's leaking a green substance we are told to be wild fire. A well placed arrow from Bronn ignites it and Stannis' fleet explodes like an atomic bomb, engulfing the bay in flames. Joffrey is erect at the sight while everyone else is somewhat horrified at the screaming and burning of flesh. Stannis is still alive and realizes that thousands more will die.

Inside Sansa is praying with some of the other women. Cersei interrupts. She's drunk and doesn't like drinking alone. She doesn't want to be there. She doesn't see much chance of seducing Stannis should the city fall. She knows how to use her vagina. She's also ready for everyone to get raped fairly badly.

Outside Tyrion is raining fire down on Stannis' men as they come ashore. There's some really bloody deaths. The Hound has formed a welcome party outside for Stannis' men. Lancel Lannister takes and arrow and retreats like a bitch, ignoring the Hounds previous promise to rape the corpse of any man who dies with a clean sword.

Back inside, Cersei is talking to Shae, not knowing who she is. She seems quite interested in her until Lancel bursts into the room. She orders him to bring Joffrey away from the fighting which will not go down well. Ilyn Payne is in the room to murder all of the women should the city fall to save them from being raped.

Bronn saves the Hound's life as he is afraid of all the fire. They all retreat inside the gates.The Hound appears to be done for the day. He tells Joffrey to fuck himself and leaves. The ladders and battering rams are in and it's only going to be a matter of time at this stage. Joffrey is being ordered back inside, an order he duly accepts and a huge blow to morale. All eyes are on Tyrion. He will lead the attack. The half man makes a great speech.

Inside Lancel is practically crying. He gets punched in the wound by the Queen. Sansa is being strong for the women. Shae sends Sansa back to her chamber to lock herself in. Who should be in there but The Hound drunk off his ass. He offers to take Sansa to Winterfell, a place she wants to go but not a prospect she relishes.

Tyrion leads his men outside and chops a mans leg off. The battle is quick but they are set upon but a huge army of previously unseen men. Tyrion gets his face sliced open by one of his own men, probably on the Queen's orders. Tyrion's squire kills the would be assassin and we're unsure if Tyrion will live. A band of horses arrives, the men hacking and killing.

Cersei sits upon the Iron Throne telling her son a story. She is getting ready to poison them both as tyrion lays dying outside. The Martells burst into the Throne Room followed by Tywin Lannister. They have won and Stannis' men force him to retreat.

This pretty epic song is played at the end.

Episode 20: Valar Morghulis

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Tyrion is struggling to awaken, the ringing of the battle still in his ears. Grand Maester Pycelle happily stands over him. He sends Podric to get Bronn or Varys. He is no longer Hand of the King and Pycelle couldn't be more smug about it.

Joffrey is presenting honors in the Throne Room. He grants Harrenhal to Littlefinger  for uniting Tyrell and Lannister. Joffrey wishes to grant the Tyrells anything they want and they ask for the two houses to be joined. Margaery wants to be Queen. Joffrey turns her down as he is betrothed to Sansa. Cersei and Pycelle make a case, invoking the gods and Joffrey eventually consents. Everyone is delighted. Sansa thinks she is free but Littlefinger warns her that Joffrey will still enjoy beating and raping her. He offers to help bring her home to Winterfell.

Ros is entertaining again having been freed by Cersei. It's Lord Varys. He wishes to acquire her services but not the sucky sucky kind because he doesn't have any balls. She's afraid of Littlefinger and Varys tells her she is right but that Littlefinger does have weaknesses.

Jaime is still finding awkward questions for Brienne. He's trying to seduce her in a round about way when they come across three whores hanging because they fucked Lannister men. Brienne wishes to cut them down when some Stark men arrive. They have a great laugh at the fact that Brienne is a woman. Jaime and Brienne attempt to be convincing but fail. The men recognize Jaime. Brienne takes on all three, giving two quick deaths and one slow and painful one, mirroring what they did to the women. They then sets about cutting down and burying the women.

Robb and Catelyn are having a sit down to discuss Robb's love for the sexy nurse. Catelyn is worried about crossing Walder Frey and Robb betraying his honor.

Stannis is back home angry as fuck at Melisandre. He feels like a prize idiot for trusting in her and the Lord of Light so he attempts to choke her to death but gives up before he's finished. She claims that the war will last for years, Stannis will betray everything he is and he will be King. They stare into the fire and both see something that the audience isn't privy to, but it sounds awesome.

Theon is going quite insane. The horn-blower outside the gates is keeping him awake. He is surrounded with no chance of escape. Maester Luwin is giving him advice that he's too far gone to listen to. To say that Theon is not happy with how his life has panned out so far. Maester Luwin tells him to run to the Wall, where his sins would be forgiven and where he could make a name for himself. This will be his redemption. He decides he's gone too far already. Outside in the courtyard, he riles up his 20 men with one of the most rousing speeches you will ever hear before being lamped on the head by one of his own men. They're going home but not before they kill Maester Luwin.

Varys tells Tyrion that Ser Mandon Moore tried to kill him on Cersei's orders. Bronn is no longer in charge if the Gold Cloaks and his hill tribe men have gone home. Varys is also deserting him but not before bringing Shae in to see him. They are friends in a way and Varys knows it was really Tyrion who saved the city. Shae wants to see his face. It's quite the scar. Shae tells him to fuck his money and wants to run away to Pentos with him. He wants to go with her but enjoys the game too much. He feels like he belongs and loves it more than anything. She's not going to leave him. It's a better love story than Twilight.

Robb and the sexy nurse are getting married. It's one of those happy moments that is most definitely going to come back to bite everyone in the ass.

Daenerys, Ser Jorah and her one remaining bloodrider approach the House of the Undying. It's a place of strange magic and without going inside, Daenerys is magically inside on her own. She shouts at the darkness and hears her dragons.

Arya, Gendry and Hot Pie are walking through the countryside when they meet Jaqen H'ghar. He's been waiting for them. Arya wants to be taught how to do what Jaqen can do and he wants to teach her in Braavos. She needs to find her family. He gives her a coin, tells her that if he ever needs him again to give the coin to any man from Braavos and say "Valar Morghulis" and then he completely changes his fucking face and walks off.

Osha and Hodor venture outside with Bran and Rickon. The place has been sacked and burned. They find Maester Luwin dying in the Godswood. He tells them to go to the Wall but they don't want to leave him. He has known these boys every day of their lives. He has a quiet word with Osha , telling her to protect the boys and then to slit his throat. He was a good man. They head away the cripple, six year old, wildling and half wit. What chance have they got?

Daenerys is still lost in the House of the Undying. She ventures into the Throne room where it is snowing and gazes upon the Iron Throne. She hears her dragons and decides to follow the sound. This leads her out beyond the Wall. She doesn't seem to feel the cold but she does see a tent, inside which is Khal Drogo and her baby boy. This is one of my least favorite scenes in the entire series. She decides the scenario isn't real, quotes Mirri Maz Duur and heeds the call of her dragons. She finally finds them and the Warlock enters from all sides. It seems his magic is stronger near the dragons. He plans to keep Daenerys there with them forever. She orders her little dragons to breath fire and we see just how dangerous they are even at that size. The burn the Warlock alive (if he was ever really alive).

The Halfhand and Jon Snow are being marched towards Mance Rayder. The Halfhand manages to pull a sword and tries to kill Jon in the hope that Jon will gain their trust. Jon ends up killing him which is sure to earn him some plaudits among the free folk. There's no going back now. He is going to meet the King beyond the Wall, Mance Rayder.

Xaro Xoan Doxus is in bed with Daenerys hand maid when Daenerys and her people enter. They take Xaro to his vault, the one he has said is full with riches beyond everyone's dreams. It is empty and Qarth is a lie. It doesn't remain empty however, as Daenerys puts them both in there to die, thanking Xaro Xoan Doxus for the lesson. They steal everything they can find and prepare to leave with the dragons in toe.

Back beyond the Wall, Sam, Grenn and company and digging for shit to burn. Sam is still in love with Gilly. A horn blows once. Twice. And then a third time. Three blasts means Whitewalkers so they run except for Sam who is too fat. He hides behind the nearest rock as an army of (I hesitate to say) zombie-like frozen people riding disfigured, dead horses march by. Sam cries and every viewer shits themselves as the leader lets out a blood curdling scream and marches on.

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