Game of Thrones: Episode 9 & 10

Episode 9: Baelor

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Someone is breathing heavily in the darkness and it's Ned Stark. His friend Varys comes to visit. He tells Ned of a time when he had testicles. He was an actor once, and learned that every man has a role to play. His is Master of Whispers. He wants peace. Ned didn't know Robb was marching to war for him. Varys shows that he has some feelings and tells Ned that he could trade his honor for his life, a life on the Wall. Ned, it seems, is ready to die, even after Sansa pleaded for his life.

Robb needs to cross a river and only one man has the power to allow his army to cross. He is willing to do whatever it takes, so he sends his mother in to negotiate with the old man. His name is Walder Frey and he has fathered dozens of bastards and married almost as many women. At the moment he's banging a 15 year old.

Jon Snow gets presented with a sword by the Lord Commander as a thank you for saving his life. It's a beauty. It was supposed to be given to Jorah Mormont but he brought dishonor on the family. Everyone's very proud of Jon. Samwell Tarly fills Jon in that Robb is marching to war and suddenly Jon wants to leave the Wall. He is torn between family and honor.

Catelyn is back safe. The negotiations didn't go mightily well. Some small stipulations were made and a big one whereby Robb has to marry one of Lord Walder's daughters. They're quite repulsive but Robb decides it is worth it to cross the river. Theon Greyjoy sniggers throughout finding the entire situation quite comical.

Back on the Wall, Maester Aemon tells Jon not to become a deserter. It turns out that Maester Aemon is a Targaryan and could have been King. He had a difficult decision to make himself when Robert took the throne but he chose duty.

Our other surviving Targaryan is worried about her husband. He falls from his horse. A Khal that can no longer ride is no Khal. She wants Mirri Maz Duur. The Khalasar and in particular the bloodriders are suitably unimpressed.

Tyrion is not happy that his father is making him fight at the vanguard. He goes back to his tent where Bronn has taken him a foreign prostitute. Her name is Shae and we see her boobs. We can only imagine that Tyrion sees much more.

The Khaleesi is in denial. Khal Drogo is dying and she needs to flee. Ser Jorah tells her as much. Daenerys decides to let Mirri Maz Duur perform blood magic on Khal Drogo so she unloads the contents of his horses throat on him. It's pretty scary shit. The Khalasar are not too happy. Ser Jorah has to kill one of them but Daenerys goes into labor from all of the excitement.

Bronn, Tyrion, and Shae are playing a drinking game. It's basically truth or dare. These are three great characters. We find out that Tyrion was once married to a whore, a cruel joke by his father and brother. Tywin brought in Tyrion's wife and made him watch as all of his soldiers fucked her one by one. Shae starts to make sweet love to Tyrion which Bronn takes as his cue to leave. In the morning, there's a huge panic. Robb's men are a mile away. Tyrion gets knocked out cold before the battle and misses the entire thing but he does a great job as commander of the hill tribes.

Robb played a clever trick, splitting his host, confusing the Lannisters and taking Jaime Lannister as his prisoner in the process. On the negative side, he sent 2,000 men to their deaths. He is torn on this but resolute about going to save his father.

In King's Landing, Arya is chasing pigeons for her supper. The bell is tolling and everyone is going the same direction. Ned is getting his day out. It is reminiscent of what Jesus went through on Good Friday or Mel Gibson in Braveheart. He confesses to his treason for the sake of Sansa, betraying his honor. Joffrey seems pleased at Ned's fealty. He seems to be ready to send Ned to the Night's Watch but instead asks for Ned's head which Ilyn Payne promptly delivers. The main characters are dropping like flies.

Episode 10: Fire & Blood

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

We resume seconds after the end of the last episode. Yoren has Arya and is talking her away as Sansa faints. Yoren cuts off Arya's hair and tells her he's bringing her north with the rest of the Night's Watch.

Bran is dreaming of the three eyed crow again. He tells Osha of his dream and they go to the crypts to make sure that Ned isn't there, as Bran's dream suggests. He isn't there but Rickon and his direwolf are. He had the same dream. They receive the news shortly after.

As do all of Robb's host and Robb and Catelyn. Robb is furious and Cat is grief stricken. They embrace and Robb swears revenge through the tears.

Joffrey is listening to a singer play a song about Robert getting killed by the boar. Joffrey, being a kind King, allows him to choose between losing his fingers or his tongue. Ser Ilyn takes his tongue. Joffrey brings Sansa for a walk to show her Ned's head on a spike, while also telling her that he plans on putting a son in her as soon as she has her first blood. He has one of his men slap her quite hard across the face a couple of times.

The north men are trying to decide a course of action. Robb will not pledge for Renly or Joffrey. No one wants to fight for Stannis either so the Great John decides that Robb should be the King in the North. The rest of the men echo his sentiment, including Theon who also claims Robb as his brother and pledges his sword. It's all quite moving.

Catelyn decides she wants to see Jaime Lannister. He is his typical charming self, even though he is tied to a stake and covered in shit. He offers her his penis and she gives him a rock to the face. He likes it. He also admits to pushing Bran out the window.

Cersei has taken another to her bed, a poorer version of Jaime but still in the family, her cousin Lancel.

Tywin Lannister has learned that Jaime has been taken. He actually likes what Tyrion has to say so he sends him to King's Landing as Hand of the King. He also warns him not to take Shae to court.

Daenerys wakes to the news that she has lost her baby. The child was monstrous, scaled and winged. Mirri Maz Duur tells her as much and Daenerys wants to see what she bought with her son's life in the shape of Khal Drogo's health. The Khalasar has left but for a handful and Drogo is there in body but not mind. We realize that Mirri Maz Duur has exacted her own revenge for being brutally raped among other things. Daenerys then realizes she had not saved Mirri Maz Duur.

Jon is leaving the Night's Watch. Sam tries to stop him but not that hard.

Tyrion is telling Shae that he can't bring her to court and neither of them are too happy, so he decides to break that rule pretty quickly.

Jon is being chased by his brothers. They all speak their words together again until Jon is guilted into going back, choosing duty over family.

Daenerys nurses Drogo, bathing him and reminiscing on the short time they had together. She straddles him as if she is going to take him by force, but instead smothers him, weeping as she does so. Drogo doesn't put up a fight.

Grand Maester Pycelle appears to be talking to himself but it turns out he's actually been shagging everyones favorite whore, Ros. She washes her vagina out while he rambles on. He senses greatness on the horizon for Joffrey and Ros is thoroughly bored, almost to death. He then jumps up and stretches in his see-through nightgown and heads off to the Small Council, pretending to be more crippled than he is.

Littlefinger and Varys are speaking in front of  the throne again, in riddles. Littlefinger asks about Varys castration, picturing a gash between his legs.

Arya has short hair now and her name is Arry. She's a boy now too. She will be travelling with bad company, the pick of the dungeons. She gets picked on and fights back with the help of King Robert's bastard who was the armorers apprentice, Gendry. They head off for the Wall, the plan being to leave Arya in Winterfell along the way.

Lord Commander Mormont knows that Jon attempted to leave the previous night but isn't going to do anything about it. He gets a reality check as to what matters and what doesn't. They will be going out beyond the Wall the next day, Jon included, to see what is happening beyond the Wall after many disturbing reports.

Drogo lies atop his funeral pyre, ready to be burned. Daenerys has her dragon eggs placed beside him and Mirri Maz Duur tied to a stake nearby. Ser Jorah tells Daenerys he will not watch her burn on the pyre and she reassures him. Mirri Maz Duur swears she will not scream but she does, just as Daenerys swore she would not climb into the funeral pyre and she does, walking through the rings of fire towards Drogo. No one attempts to stop her.

They awaken and the fire has burned out. Ser Jorah goes to survey the destruction and sees a fully naked but alive Daenerys sitting among the wreckage. Sucking at her teats and climbing all over her are three dragons. It is a "Holy fuck" moment far bigger than Ned Stark losing his head and the season ends with the dragons screaming.