Game of Thrones: Episode 7 & 8

Episode 7: You Win or You Die

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

We are in an army tent. Jaime is reading Ned's note to Tywin Lannister who we are meeting for the first time. He is ripping a deer apart. Also, Jaime. Tywin is clearly a hard ass. He's giving Jaime 30,000 men to bring Tyrion back, not because he cares for Tyrion but for the reputation of the Lannister name and House. Tywin wants to leave behind a dynasty and he wants Jaime to lead the charge. Jaime looks rather uncertain as to whether he is up to the task.

Cersei comes out to the courtyard to talk to Ned. Ned, being an honorable idiot, tells Cersei he knows that herself and Jaime have been keeping their bloodline pure by rutting like pigs for years. Cersei didn't hate Robert, she loved him but he loved Lyanna Stark. Ned tells Cersei that he will tell Robert the truth when he returns from the hunt and for Cersei to go as far away as she can. You can tell this won't end well. Probably for Ned even though he has all the aces.

Littlefinger is in his brothel where two of his whores are practicing on each other, both naked as their respective name days. One is Ros who has clearly made it to King's Landing in good shape. Littlefinger tells them they're doing it all wrong. He tells them it's their job to make men forget that they just paid for sex. This is where we see the cold, calculated Littlefinger as he allows these two whores inside his world a little as they fiddle around inside each other.We hear of his past with Catelyn and his plans for the future. Only by admitting what we are can we get what we want and Lord Petyr Baelish wants everything there is. To do this he is willing to fuck everyone.

Back at Winterfell, we see the wildling girl. Theon is acting the prick again, making himself sound better than he is. The wildling girl clearly has a brain and gives him plenty of cheek. She looks like she just stumbled out of a tumble dryer and Theon still wants to fuck her. The wildling girl is very afraid of what lays beyond the Wall. The Whitewalkers are sleeping no longer.

Sam misses girls from atop the Wall when a horse returns without a rider. It's Benjen Stark's horse.

Renly returns from the hunt looking grief stricken. Robert is abed telling Joffrey he's going to die and Joff is putting on his best horrified face. Ned enters and Robert tells him it was a boar that did it because he was too drunk. He knows he's going to die and wants to talk to Ned alone. He has Ned write down his will, who gets creative with the wording so that Joffrey might never become King. Ned is to rule after Robert's death. He also wants Daenerys to live if it's not too late.

Outside Varys is again smelling a rat, and this rat again looks like a lion. Varys also says that Daenerys is most likely dead already.

We see that she is not. She is arguing with her husband in Dothraki which she is now fluent in. He has no interest in taking the iron throne for her. She goes to the market and is asking more questions of Ser Jorah. He leaves again, to see if he has any letter coming his way and there is. He has received a royal pardon and can go home.

A wine merchant is trying to sell wine to the Khaleesi. When he realizes who she is, he goes to get his special wine. Ser Jorah looks on from afar. He decides he wants to try some of the wine but wants the wine merchant to try it first. The would-be assassin runs but doesn't get very far.

At the Night's Watch, the new recruits are going to become brothers, Men of the Night's Watch. Jon Snow knows he's going to be a ranger but just wants his uncle back. Sam decides now is a good time to switch religions. Jon gets named as a Steward. He is none too fucking happy about it and says as much. He will be serving the Lord Commander as a glorified servant. Jon doesn't realize that he is being groomed for command of the Night's Watch but Sam tells him.

At King's Landing, Renly wants to speak to Ned. He wishes to take the throne by force so that Cersei doesn't. Ned wishes to do everything honorably but Renly wants to be King. Robert still isn't dead. He sends Stannis a letter to let him know what's going on when Littlefinger enters the room. It seems everyone knows that Ned has been named Lord Protector of the Realm. He tells Littlefinger that Joffrey is inbred, which Littlefinger doesn't seem surprised by. He tells Ned he'd be a fool not to let Joffery succeed, wed Sansa to him and make peace with the Lannisters. Everyone is after a slice of the action, it seems. Ned refuses his advances but does ask him for help in another way - asking him to pay off the Gold Cloaks to be on his side.

Jon and Sam head out beyond the Wall to say their words to the old gods. Just after they finish saying their words, Ghost, Jon's direwolf, comes back with a human hand.

Daenerys and Ser Jorah are talking again about how King Robert still wants to kill Daenerys. Jorah gets a free horse for his troubles and Khal Drogo absolutely goes off on one proclaiming that he will give Daenerys her iron chair by killing men in iron suits and tearing down stone house and raping women. It's almost as inspiring as the Haka before an All Blacks game.

Robert is dead and King Joffrey and the Queen Regent request Ned's presence in the Throne Room. Littlefinger tells Ned that the Gold Cloaks are his but that Renly fled the city with all of his men. Inside, Joff is sitting on the throne as Ned limps in. He wishes to be crowned within the fortnight. Ned produced his letter from Robert which Cersei subsequently wipes her ass with. Ned tells everyone Joffrey is a bastard and commands the Gold Cloaks to seize the Queen and her son. Of course, they turn on Ned and butcher his men which is becoming another unfortunate common theme. Littlefinger seizes Ned and says that he did warn Ned not to trust him.

Episode 8: The Pointy End

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Syrio and Arya are practicing, oblivious to the slaughter around them. Every man with a heartbeat is getting speared. Sansa is complaining as usual and her maid saves her life by telling her to run away. She gets mercilessly slaughtered too, presumably. Syrio teaches Arya her final lesson, that watching is not seeing and then he saves her life while sacrificing himself. He does a fantastic job of it too, brushing some casual racism aside in the process. Sansa is taken by the Hound (not sexually) and Arya finds Needle just in time to kill a little fat boy.

Ned is tied up in a dungeon, where Varys visits him. Arya has escaped the castle and is flying under the radar and Sansa is in the Queen's custody but everyone else is dead. Everyone. He tells Ned he's an idiot and that Robert didn't die because he was drunk. Ned is a dead man, as the Imp can no longer be used as leverage. Varys serves the realm and no one else which makes him very dangerous.

Back at the Wall, two dead man are brought back from beyond the wall. They're not rotting but they don't want to burn the bodies yet. Maester Aemon needs to take a look at them first which is somewhat counter productive considering he is blind. The news from King's Landing arrives and Jon Snow is none too pleased when he learns that Ned has been charged with treason. He's ready to ride south which he is warned against. Desertion means death even though he only said his words the night before.

Sansa is pleading in front of the Queen and Small Council. She's pathetic even for a child. She's made to write a letter to Robb and Cat to tell them to keep the King's peace. Robb calls his banners and Theon gets a boner. There's going to be a war.

Catelyn hears about all of this and her nephew is mad for a bit of nipple. She will receive no help from her sister who is clearly a crazy person.

Bronn and Tyrion are not getting along very well wandering through the lands of the hill tribes. They get attacked by one of these hill tribes and as is Tyrion's modus operandi, he befriends them with promises of gold and also some humor.

Jon is losing the head on the Wall. He's awake at night when he ventures outside on his direwolf's command. Their dead men are alive again and mounting an attack on Lord Commander Mormont. Jon kills them (again?) with fire, burning a hand badly in the process. It's scary shit.

The Dothraki are laying waste to a town, raping and killing and taking slaves. The Khaleesi saves some of the women which goes completely against the Dothraki way. She doesn't make any friends and Khal Drogo has to rip out one of his friends throats to make a point that it's hoes before bros in his case. He gets wounded in the process but it's nothing. One of the women (named Mirri Maz Dur) Daenerys saves offers to clean the Khal's wound and Daenerys foolishly agrees.

Robb is having trouble keeping his banner-men happy. He shows impressive leadership by allowing his direwolf to rip off two of the Great John Umber's fingers. Robb leaves Bran behind because there must always be a Stark at Winterfell as he heads south to save Ned. The wildling girl (Osha) interrupts Bran who is praying in the Godswood. She holds the same gods as him and believes but the old gods have no powers in the South. We see Hodor's penis and a pretty impressive bum shot. Osha is worried about what's beyond the Wall. She think's that Robb is marching the wrong way.

We go to the Wall. Sam says the dead men were touched by whitewalkers and fire is the only thing that will kill them. These whitewalkers are sounding scarier and scarier.

Catelyn meets Robb at camp. She looks thoroughly miserable as usual. If they can't defeat the Lannisters in the field, everybody dies.

Tyrion is marching with his hill tribes and sell sword to his father's camp. He is only learning for the first time about all the news from when Robert died. Tywin decides that the hill tribes will fight for him and he will give them all that Tyrion has promised. They will agree to this only if Tyrion fights too. Tyrion shits his undersized small clothes.

The men of the North are arguing over the best strategy. They've found a Lannister spy who Robb allows to leave with his life and a message for Lord Tywin. Robb's banner-men are none to pleased, the Great John's frustration apparent once more.

Tywin Lannister has been appointed Hand of the King and Ser Barristan Selmy is relieved of his position as head of the King's Guard, with Jaime taking his place. He is not a happy Knight. Although he is old, he feels he has something left in the tank. Sansa pleads for her father's life. On her knees. Joffrey is going to need a confession from Ned before he will grant mercy. Sansa reckons she will get both.

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