Game of Thrones: Episode 5 & 6

Episode 5: The Wolf and the Lion

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

Today we begin in King's Landing and Ned is asking questions about Jon Arryn's squires death. He smells a rat and it most probably looks like a lion.

Inside Robert's armour won't fit him because he is too fat. Ned tells him as much and they have a great laugh. Robert tools on Lancel Lannister for a while asking him to get the equivalent of a glass hammer. Robert wants to joust which Ned says is a terrible idea. It's clear that Robert hates being King and we see more and more how bad he is at it. It would seem a great warrior does not make a great King.

Outside at the joust we meet the Knight of the Flowers and he is a dream boat. He's up against the Mountain who killed the squire yesterday. The Knight of the Flowers sorts out the Mountain because his mare was in heat. The Mountain, being a complete nutjob, cuts his horses head clean off and then goes after Ser Loras (Knight of Flowers). The Hound saves his life and we see a gargantuan duel until Robert calls a halt to it.

On the road, Tyrion is tied up and hooded. It seems Cat has played a fake and told everyone they're going to Winterfell but is actually going to her sister's in the Vale. Tyrion pleads his innocence and they get attacked by a hill tribe. Tyrion kills his first man in the battle that ensues, saving Cat's life in the process. This is where he first makes friends with Bronn, the sell-sword.

Back in Winterfell, Theon is being a bit of a dick and Bran is being a lot of a dick. Bran blames his mother for leaving as the words of her house are Family, Duty, Honor.

Theon is giving it to Ros from behind and she's pretending to enjoy it. We see his penis  which has to be awkward for Lily Allen (who is his sister in real life). It's clear that Theon thinks he is hot shit. Ros is giving him plenty of lip and he likes it but doesn't want to pay for it. She'll have none of that.

Arya is chasing cats - and failing. Ned is speaking with Varys who imparts some serious knowledge on Ned. He claims to trust Ned as a man of honor. The King faces a doom like Jon Arryn, who was poisoned. According to Varys it was the now-dead squire what done it, because Jon Arryn started asking questions.

Arya is still chasing the cat and she ends up in the dungeons with a dragon skull. She overhears two men talking about going to war soon among other things such as Ned is at risk of death. The two men appear to be Varys and a man who gave hospitality to the Targaeryns for the past 17 years.

Varys and Littlefinger speak in riddles in the Throne Room, two extremely interesting and complex characters. They speak on amputees, cadavers  and Varys' balls. They both make not-so-idle threats pegging them as quite dangerous men. Renly, Robert's brother interrupts them.

Arya comes out of a drain pipe looking like a lost, homeless, orphan boy. She tries to re-enter the city but the guards tell her to get lost. She gives them what-for and then tells Ned about what she heard in the dungeons. Yoren, the Night's Watch recruiter, comes in to tell Ned that his wife has taken the imp. This is big news.

Catelyn, Tyrion and co. reach the Eyrie. The Eyrie sits atop a number of very narrow mountains, serviced but a number of very narrow bridges. A scary place as the name suggests.

At the small council meeting, Robert tells everyone that Daenerys is pregnant and wants everyone dead. The word got to Varys by Ser Jorah Mormont, who it would seem has no loyalty to anyone. Ned isn't afraid of the Dothraki or the Targaryeans  because their horses can't swim. Ned is the only one against assassinating innocents and relieves himself of his position as Hand. Robert issues a casual death threat while Ned storms out.

Ned is packing for Winterfell when Littlefinger comes in. He says he will take Ned to the last person Jon Arryn spoke with before he died. Ned agrees.

We meet Lysa Arryn, Catelyn's sister who is even more whiney than Cat. She is breastfeeding her 8 year old son. The son is clearly as touched as his mother. Tyrion gets brought to a sky cell. It's similar to a prison cell, except instead of a fourth wall, it is left open with a couple hundred feet of a drop.

Renly and Ser Loras are half naked together. Loras is shaving Renly's chest which is what all good friends do. Then he goes for the armpits. Loras suggests Renly should be King. We find out that Renly and Robert have an unseen older brother, Stannis. Ser Loras then sucks Renly off, complete with sound effects.

Cersei and Robert talk of old Hands and new ones. They talk on warfare and the possibility of an attack from the Dothraki. You could almost be convinced that they get along until Cersei makes the joke that it is their marriage holding the entire Kingdom together. They hate each other as they both plainly admit. She asks about Ned Starks dead sister who Robert still pines over, although he barely remembers her. Seven Kingdoms couldn't fill the hole she left behind. Cersei once loved Robert. This is one of my favorite scenes.

Ned and Littlefinger are in a brothel talking to a whore with bad speaking skills. She has a child who is clearly another of Robert's bastards. We see more boobs and so does Jory. Outside the brothel, they walk directly into a trap set by Jaime. Ned's men are killed, including Jory. There is a duel between Ned and Jaime and some idiot spears Ned in the calf to end the fight. Jaime is not pleased as he was enjoying himself. He rides off and Ned falls over, the spear still through his leg.

Episode 6: Golden Crown

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

The former Hand of the King is awake and groggy. Cersei Lannister and the King are standing over him. Neither look pleased and Cersei makes up yet another story, claiming this to be Ned's fault. Robert is smart enough to know that this is a lie but stupid enough to strike her right across her beautiful face when she goads him. Robert wants the imp returned to King's Landing because he's so much in debt to the Lannisters. Ned is reinstated as Hand just because that's what Robert wants. Now he's going hunting because he doesn't feel like ruling his Kingdom. Daenerys will still die.

She is holding her dragon-egg-turned-to stone and decides it would be prudent to place it in a smoking pit of white-hot coals. She goes to pick it back up after a few seconds and there's not a mark on her hands but her hand maid gets absolutely scalded trying to save her. It's strange.

Bran is dreaming of a three-eyed crow again. Hodor burst in with his new saddle but for some reason doesn't say Hodor. Outside Bran is now riding and Theon is telling Robb he should go to war with the Lannisters when they realize that Bran has disappeared. He's away in the woods and gets set upon by four wildlings. Robb eventually kills a couple and Theon comes along to help finish them off. They take one alive.

Tyrion is in the sky cell and is apparently a heavy and sleeper as he nearly rolls straight off the edge. He tries to offer the idiot turn key gold.

Syrio and Arya are supposed to be practicing but Arya doesn't want to. Syrio tells her what's what as usual and drops knowledge bombs all over the place.

Daenerys is kneeling with a mouth covered in blood. She's eating an entire horse heart raw. The Dothraki are loving it and chanting. She finishes it and very nearly brings it all back up - but doesn't. It's impressive. She's shouting at the people and they seem to love that and love her. Viserys is a jealous little bitch and disappears.  He goes to her tent to steal the dragon eggs but Jorah doesn't allow him.

Tyrion is pleading with the turn key again. He's quite desperate this time. All he wants is for him to deliver a message to Lysa Arryn and he will give him a lot of gold. He wishes to confess his crimes. In the chamber he confesses every crime he's ever committed - but nothing about Bran or Jon Arryn. He is seeking the King's Justice - a trial by combat. He demands a champion to fight, his brother Jaime. This is denied so he looks for a volunteer. Bronn steps up, knowing how much money he could make.

The King is out hunting with Renly, his King's Guard and Lancel Lannister to keep him filled up with wine. Renly and Robert argue.

Ned is on the throne listening to sob stories. It sounds like the Mountain is going around laying waste to towns slaughtering innocents. Ned sentences Ser Gregor Clegane to death and wants Tywin Lannister to come to King's Landing to answer for his crimes. It's a very bold strategy which will most likely result in someone dying.

Back at the Eyrie, Bronn fights without honor and lives. Tyrion is untied, gives all his gold to the turn key and walks out with Bronn.

Sansa is giving lip again. Joffrey comes in at the height of her rudeness and she lights up. He has behaved monstrously and gets her a gift. He says he'll never disrespect her again, never be cruel to her again. They kiss.

Theon is out riding and sees Ros is leaving. She's making the smart move and going to King's Landing because there's a war coming. She shows Theon her lady nest for a coin.

Ned is sending his girls home. Neither now want to leave. Arya wants to stay for Syrio and Sansa for Joffrey. The penny drops for Ned when Sansa says that Joffrey is nothing like Robert, his father. He goes back to his big book that he got from Pycelle. All the Baratheons throughout the ages have had black hair as do all of Robert's bastards - but none of his children with Cersei.

The Dothraki are having another party and people are naked and dancing. Viserys comes in drunk off his ass looking for his sister. He's like that drunk uncle at a wedding. He pulls his sword, which is not allowed. The Dothraki can't shed blood in this sacred city. Viserys holds a sword to Daenerys belly and threatens to kill the baby unless he gets his army.

Drogo says he'll get his army or at least that's what Daenerys tells him. Viserys is positively beaming until someone breaks his arm. He's screaming about how he wants his crown. Drogo melts down some of his gold and pours it over Viserys head - a crown for a king. He dies instantly.

<<< Episode 3 & 4