Game of Thrones: Episode 3 & 4

Episode 3: Lord Snow

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

We open as the Starks arrive into King's Landing for the first time. Ned is immediately requested at a meeting and he refuses to change his clothes while shooting the messenger a death stare.

Ned has another run in with Jaime who tells Ned that the King shits and the hand wipes. Apparently the bad blood is there because Jaime didn't stop Ned's brother and father from being tortured. And the fact that he's a bit of a complete bollox to boot, probably.

At the small council meeting, we encounter some very interesting characters. Renly who is Roberts younger brother, Petyr Baelish, nicknamed Littlefinger who once vied for Catelyn's affection (probably when she looked younger than 90), Lord Varys the eunuch, and Grand Maester Pycelle. The crown is in debt because Robert is a bad king.

Joffrey is being tended to by his mummy and, were there a such thing as plastic surgery, he would be going under the knife. He's making a mountain out of  a mole hill. He doesn't want to do anything nice for Sansa and thinks there should be a royal army. You get the sense he would be an evil dictator king. And a dick in general. Cersei and he agree that everyone who isn't them is an enemy.

Arya practices stabbing Joffrey while Sansa protects his honour. Up in her room Arya accidentally-on-purpose shows Ned her sword. Ned is worried for everyone's safety because winter is coming so he agrees to let Arya keep her sword and also says that she will get lessons.

Bran is forced to listen to the incessant ramblings of Old Nan and he has no problem telling her to shut her old, wrinkly face. She tells him a scary story and it makes him jump when Robb enters. He ridicules Old Nan after she's left. Bran doesn't remember anything. He thinks he fell. He'll never walk again and would rather be dead which is a delightful way for a 10 year old boy to feel.

Catelyn has arrived in King's Landing and is recognized immediately. She is brought to a whore house and we see some boobs. It's Littlefinger's brothel. Lord Varys was the one who knew she was coming. Knowledge is his profession apparently. He has spies everywhere. The dagger that was used in the attempt to kill Bran was Littlefinger's until he lost it to Tyrion Lannister in a bet. That's what he says anyway.

We are at Castle Black on the wall and Jon is taking names and breaking noses. The rapers and thieves are no match for him. Tyrion is getting to know the Lord Commander.

Ned gets the news of Bran and also of his wife's arrival in Winterfell. He goes to Littlefinger's brothel and almost kills him with a chokehold. Littlefinger is up to something it would seem, and he's the only one who knows what it is.

Jon is about to get his throat slit by his new brothers until Tyrion comes in and saves him. It seems Jon has acquired the mocking nickname, Lord Snow. Jon is angry because no one told him what a complete shithole the wall is. Tyrion drops a knowledge bomb on Jon that changes his way of thinking and Jon finds out Bran has woken.

Catelyn swears that Littlefinger would never betray her trust and calls him a true friend.

Cersei and Jaime are worried vis-a-vis the Bran situaton. Jaime gets slapped by his sister and apparently he likes it.

Ned sends Catelyn off on the road again and they see each other for the last time.

Robert is drunk and rambling about killing people. He makes japes at his wife's cousin Lancel who is his cup bearer. Jaime comes in and they talk more on their first kill and about how Jaime killed the previous king, earning him the nickname Kingslayer.

Back to the Dothraki horde, Daenerys is asking questions. She orders the entire horde to stop as she's starting to feel like a Khaleesi which really gets on Viserys tits. He doesn't like taking orders from her and pulls a sword on her. One of the Khal's blood riders nearly kills Viserys and sadly doesn't. Viserys isn't getting much respect from any direction and is forced to walk, an insult.

Back at Castle Black Jon ascends the wall for the first time. His uncle Benjen wanted to be there when he saw beyond the wall for the first time. Benjen is journeying out beyond the wall that morning and he won't bring Jon. He shows him some tough love (as if he needs any more of it) and that they'll speak when he returns. This conversation never happens, along with a previous promised conversation between Jon and his father.

Tyrion is inside speaking of eating bears ball and Dornish girls with Yoren, the recruiter for the Knights Watch. Benjen comes in and knocks him down a peg as if that were possible. Benjen is very worried about what's North of the wall. Yoren and Tyrion decide to share the road to King's Landing.

Daenerys is learning some Dothraki. Her breasts are also getting fuller. She's got a baby horse inside her. We learn that Jorah's father is a man of honour and word is leaked that the Khaleesi does not bleed for two moons. She eats goat tonight and Ser Jorah mysteriously disappears somewhere.

Jon is making some friends in the Watch by not giving the lads as bad a beat down. More wildlings are coming south running from the white-walkers. Maester Aemon and Lord Commander Mormont begs Tyrion to spare more men for the Wall. (Penny drops: Commander Mormont is Ser Jorah's father)

Daenerys is naked again but we see nothing worthwhile. She claims she's got a boy in her belly which makes the Khal happy.

Tyrion finally pisses off the top of the wall with no sign of stage fright as Jon Snow watches. Jon asks him to stop in Winterfell and give Bran his regards. They part as friends having met as enemies.

Arya meets Syrio Forrell, her dancing master and possibly the greatest character in any tv show ever. Just so. Arya will not know how to use a sword, she will be a sword. Ned looks on with pride that turns to worry for the future because he had already used up his allotted eight seconds of pride/happiness for this episode. We assume that a war is coming.

Episode 4: Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

We are in a dream because Bran is standing up practicing his archery. There's a crow ca-cawing like a mad bastard and generally making a scene. It could be a raven but we know it's a crow, a three-eyed crow. Bran wakes up next to Old Nan, every man's nightmare. Theon Greyjoy comes in and calls Old Nan an old bat. We meet Hodor for the first time. All he can say is Hodor and all he can do is carry Bran.

Robb is being a prized dick to Tyrion. Tyrion helps a brother out by giving Bran a gift (blueprints to a custom made cripples saddle) while also being inadvertently sarcastic. It looks like Bran will be able to ride again because Tyrion has a tender spot in his heart for cripples, bastards and broken things. Robb changes tune but Tyrion smacks him down.

Theon tells Tyrion he should bone Ros. He already has in episode one. They talk of the past and how Theon is now a ward of Winterfell due to a failed rebellion by his family. Sounds like Tyrion is going to give Ros a royal seeing-to.

Back at the watch, Lord Snow is teaching the lads how to fight when this fat, pussy boy walks in with all the confidence of a dead pigeon. He gets a right beating on the Commander's orders and Jon hammers the shite out of them all in order to protect Sam, the new kid. Jon drops some knowledge on him but it turns out he's a full blown coward. And one with daddy issues to boot. It seems every one has daddy issues here.

The Dothraki are still on the move but have finally arrived at their destination, Vaes Dothrak. Mormont is back and Viserys is mouthing off like the self important little shit that he thinks he is. Daenerys is finally realizing that he has little-to-no brain. Mormont is telling his story of selling slaves because he had an expensive wife.

Viserys is getting  a bath from a whore. He tells the history of his family and how they lost the iron throne. Talk of dragon skulls seem to turn both of them on and reciting dead dragons names even more so. Viserys calls the whore a pretty little idiot and she goes at him while he sulks.

Sansa is worrying about only having girl babies. That is literally her biggest worry because everyone would hate her. That might happen anyway, Sansa love. She finds out her uncle and grandfather were murdered in the room she's in and says she'll never forgive her father.

Ned is under pressure. The place is going buck ape for the Hand's tourney. Drunken horse races and stabbings. Littlefinger salivates at how much money his brothels will make from the crowds. Ned stops Pycelle to speak on Jon Arryn. Apparently, he came to Pycelle for counsel a lot. He inquired after a book and Ned decides he want to read it: The Lineages and Histories of the Great Houses of the Seven Kingdoms. They speak on the death again and Jon Arryn's phrase that he repeated before his death: The seed is strong. Ned floats the idea of poison. Pycelle reckons it's not likely. Poison is a woman's weapon. Pycelle floats his own theory that it's also a eunuch's weapon, Lord Varys being the resident eunuch.

Outside, Arya is balanced on one foot. She's practicing for Syrio. She wants Bran to come live with them and doesn't want to be a Lady. She gets back to standing on one foot.

On the Wall, Jon Snow and Samwell Tarly speak. Turns out Sam doesn't see all that well and is afraid of heights on top of being a craven. Sam's father told him that he would have to take the black or he would arrange for him to die.

Littlefinger knows about Ned's reading habits. He's spilling little secrets to Ned and pointing out spys. He gives him a couple of people to visit. Littlefinger also suggests that distrusting him was the wisest thing that Ned had done since he got off his horse.

Ned goes to visit one of these people, a blacksmith. It was Gendry that Jon Arryn was interested in, a big, strong, black haired chap who Ned pegs as Robert's bastard.

Robert is drunk and whore-mongering again which Jaime, as acting doorman, is none too happy about. Jaime and Jory (Ned's right hand man) talk on battles gone by but Jory doesn't get his message to King Robert.

Jon tells the lads that they're not going to hurt Sam in training the following day and has to convince one with a direwolf. It works out well until they get a reality check.

Viserys goes off on one. Apparently Daenerys invited him to supper so she gets a fairly serious slap for it. She gives him one back with a gold chain. She threatens to cut off his hands. She's growing a pair of balls as well as a baby.

Jon and Sam are scrubbing a table and we learn that Sam isn't gay, just fat. They're both virgins and the conversation is awkward. Jon almost made it with Ros but couldn't do it because he didn't want to father a bastard, not because he didn't know where to put it as Sam suggests. They wrestle a little, having both been erect seconds earlier. There's more talk about winter. It sounds even scarier than Old Nan suggested as they had to turn to cannibalism to survive beyond the wall.

Daenerys is worried. Mormont tells her what's what with regard to Viserys and the apparent enthusiasm of the people to have him as king. Daenerys realizes that Viserys will never take them home.

Joffrey is giving Sansa the cold shoulder as Littlefinger introduces himself to her. Robert is drunker than usual. There's a joust and Jon Arryn's former squire is killed by the Hounds bigger brother, a rather suspicious death. Littlefinger fills us in on the story of the Mountain and the Hound and how the Mountain shoved his brothers face into the burning coals and watched his face melt.

Cersei seeks an audience with Ned to make amends. And then to cause trouble. They both issue casual death threats and she leaves.

Catelyn is at an inn when Tyrion motherfuckin' Lannister walks in. She gives a very long winded speech in order to curry favour with all those in the establishment. She accuses Tyrion of conspiring to murder Bran and many swords are pointed in Tyrion's direction. He is understandably none too pleased.

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