Staying Resolute

New Year's Day is traditionally one of the last days before Christmas cheer and joy becomes crippling depression and failed self improvement. People see some form of false hope and begin to plan out their shitty pipe dreams for the year. Every day for the rest of the year these plans fall apart at the seams (usually of your bulging pants) and the dreams become the unattainable object you probably always knew they were deep down.

It has been a long time since I have cared about New Year resolutions. I used to think I cared when I was a boy, but, as with most people, that wore off within days when I realized I wasn't arsed. This year I have a renewed optimism as I watch my slow and steady fall from grace. In this last year I noticed that there is a finer line than one would think between magnificent, chiseled specimen of masculinity and a fat lump of shite who finds it difficult to get off the couch. Likewise it is easy to change from someone who uses the internet as a whetstone to sharpen their willing mind to a zombie-like idiot who mindlessly switches between Facebook and Twitter, endlessly refreshing just so they can have something or someone else to complain about.

Looking at my list of New Year's resolutions, it is hard to say that I am acknowledging any problem but New Year's resolutions weren't invented for that. They were brought about to give people a false sense of self improvement for as long as it takes people to get over the fact that they are utterly failing as a human being - and failing worse every year.

And so with that, here are my quite genuine New Year's resolutions:


  • Use the word "gargantuan" more often. It is an under-appreciated word.
  • Listen to slightly less Taylor Swift. She doesn't care about your life, you shouldn't care about hers.
  • Read more often. A very realistic target of 13 (because it's 2013) books in one year is surely attainable. First up is Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk.
  • Throw away less soup. Either eat it or don't make as much.
  • Get a cheque from Google for $100. The more hits I get on this, the closer I get to that. I probably won't share.
  • Listen to exactly the same amount of Sheryl Crow. "If it makes you hap-py, it can't be that baaaaaaaad"
  • Go to Buxton.
  • Hate people less and hate less people - excluding Nicki Minaj
  • Try to forget that Nicki Minaj exists.
  • Keep lying to myself about how old I look.
  • Try not to have a complete meltdown when football season is over and/or/if the Patriots don't win the Super Bowl (again).