Game of Thrones: Season 1
Episode 1: Winter Is ComingSPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.
The first scene opens with three very determined looking men sitting atop horses as a gate rises in front of them. One is a seasoned veteran of whatever-it-is these men are about to do. Another, the leader and riding in the middle is younger and obviously an obnoxious little shit (you can just tell, can't you?). The third looks like a zombiefied, hooded Michael Cera.
They ride out through a tunnel and into a world that resembles the inside of a freezer that hasn't received the proper maintenance This world looks cold as we can see from the fact that these men are wearing twenty pounds of fur on their shoulders. The horses are obviously immune to it though.
Mr. Pompous McShitbag listens to Michael Cera's story of wildings and decides that he is more man than these dismembered frozen people. They go back to investigate against the wishes of Cera and the seasoned vet. It is at this point that you hope that McShitbag dies a horrible death. You expect it a little bit too. He's been put there for you to hate. They get back to the clearing with the dismembered folk. Except there's no dismembered folk. We get the usual suspense and spine tingling wonder of how everyone is going to die. Michael Cera is sent on his own to find the people and as soon as he goes a giant white 7 ft 10 monster appears and kills McShitbag.
Then Cera sees the porcelain doll except this time she's not nailed to a tree - she's alive.
Cera and the vet run for their lives (not that they'll have them for long) and end up in roughly the same area. Cera looks up on time to see the seasoned vet stopped to catch breath when the giant white monster appears and slices through his neck as if it was butter that had been left out in the sun.
We then hum our way through the theme tune.
Immediately after, Cera is running through the same hills that all the battles take place in Braveheart. It's clearly warmer here but not by much. He gets caught.
We go to Winterfell. Some lads are practicing archery in front of who we assume are their parents. We eventually find out these lads are Bran, his brother Robb and their bastard brother Jon Snow, all sons of the Lord of Winterfell. Bran is clearly shit at archery but has delusions of grandeur as all young noblemen tend to.
Inside the girls are sewing. The younger one longs to be outside. This is Arya. She heads outside to show the boys how it's done by shooting a bulls-eye straight over Bran's shoulder and they chase each other. The Lord of Winterfell, Eddard is informed that a deserter of the Night's Watch has been caught and he tells his wife that Winter is Coming in an utterance that makes your scrotum ascend into your stomach.
Back in the hills Cera is babbling like a mad man. He has a moment of clarity before Ned (Lord Eddard of House Stark to you) lops off his head like it was the top of a carrot. Bran watches. Ned tells Bran that the man who passes the sentence should swing the sword, which will come back to fuck shit up for Ned. No one believes the Whitewalkers are back as they've been gone for thousands of years.
On the way back to Winterfell the group of men and boys (all are vital to the story but we haven't been formally introduced to any but Bran and Ned) come across a gigantic dead wolf with 5 pups. Jon Snow suggests that the Starks keep the cubs and raise them as their own. He then finds a white one for himself and we can assume that he is a bastard, hated by his mother and shunned by this society.
We journey back up North to Winterfell. We see Cat and Ned in the Godswood and apparently winter is not the only thing that is coming. So is the King. To Winterfell. Ned spends all of eleven seconds grieving over the man who was like a father to him before turning his attention to the kings visit and what it might mean. We are also told that Jon Arryn was married to Catelyn's sister and they have a son. A big feast needs to be prepared. There is talk of Lord Tyrion whose reputation as a bookworm and a drunken lech precede him.
Catelyn berates Bran for his climbing exploits although he is obviously better at it than he is with a bow and arrow. Fuckin' ten year olds. She instructs him to run and find his father as the King is close. Arya is running around with a helmet on. She's a feisty little scut. The kings entourage rolls in complete with the hound, Joffrey and others who we will meet later. The King rides in on horse back and dismounts.
The King is a fat lump of shite. He looks angry and judging by his red nose he is either not accustomed to the cold of the north or he is a raging alcoholic. The latter is confirmed before too long. As an ice breaker, he tells Ned he got fat and they embrace as if they were brothers - which they almost were. But that's jumping ahead but about 30 seconds. It's been 9 years since they've seen each other and all the King wants to do is pay his respects to their dead.
Ned and King Robert go down to the crypt and speak on Jon Arryn's death. Rather than asking Ned to be his new Hand, he announces it to him while also proclaiming they will join their houses by marrying Ned's daughter Sansa to his son, Joffrey, the weasel faced little bollocks. That is the end of that conversation as Robert storms off.
We move to Jaime strolling around the red-light district of town. There's women moaning all around. He has a look on his face that says that he's above all of that. He's not looking for a prostitute but a cute hoor, his little brother. It is now that we meet Tyrion and see our first pair of bouncing boobs. They belong to Ros who will become our favorite woman-who-sells-her-body-for-money in the coming seasons.
Tyrion is a dwarf. He has his mouth wrapped around a sizable jug of wine and Ros has hers wrapped around his (we assume less-than-sizable) cock. They retire to the bed on time for Jaime to come in and present Tyrion with a plethora of naked ladies who he has paid to have sex with Tyrion in the hope that he will keep him company at the feast later.
Robert is being a little bitch about losing Ned's sister and says he wants to kill the rest of the Targaryens.
We move to who we presume are the Targaryens. Daenerys is a very pretty, white haired, unblemished beauty and the other, Viserys, looks like a snake with a Lucius Malfoy wig on. One of the very first things he does is to undress his sister. This makes him an uncomfortable character from the get-go. She makes no move to stop him out of fear of the consequences. He threatens her to not wake the dragon and leaves. Daenerys hops into some piping hot water despite an empty and pathetic attempt by her hand maid to stop her.
Later that day, Deanerys wears a see through dress and waits for Khal Drogo to inspect her. Should he find her aesthetically pleasing, they will marry and Viserys will acquire the army he so badly craves in order to take his throne back from Robert. Khal Drogo arrives on horse back (the Dothraki are horse lords you see) and does a few donuts as he inspects his potential bride. He rides off as quickly as he rode in and Viserys in none too impressed. Apparently Khal Drogo is however, and that is all that matters. Dany makes her lack of feelings for Drogo public, only for Viserys to tell her that he would let Khal Drogo's whole tribe fuck her, along with their horses if he got an army. It's clear just how much she means to him.
We hear Sansa's pandering for the first time. She wants to marry Joffrey more than anything but is afraid she isn't good enough. Meanwhile, the feast is in full swing and Robert is groping everything in sight (food, wine, women) in full view of his less-than-adoring wife. Jon Snow is outside venting his frustrations when his uncle Benjen of the Night's Watch arrives. He wasn't allowed at the feast but Benjen said he'd be welcomed into the Watch. As Benjen leaves Tyrion enters, trying to get his drink on. They talk of beings bastards and imps and Tyrion lays some advice on Jon that he should wear being a bastard as a badge of honor.
Benjen talks to Ned about what's happening beyond the wall. Sansa attempts to curry favour with the queen who asks her if she's a suitable receptacle for Joffrey's semen yet as if she was making small talk about the weather. Jaime and Ned have a needless run in to show their mutual contempt, and Arya starts a food fight with Sansa which is enough to get her removed from the premises.
The feast is over and Ned and Cat are in bed talking. Maester Luwin enters with news from Catelyn's sister. Apparently Jon Arryn was murdered and she suspects it was them golden haired, lion loving, incestuous, power hungry, perfect specimen. Maester Luwin basically tells Ned to take the job as Hand in order to protect the King and the realm, while Cat thinks only of herself and her children, a running theme in her story.
We are back at the wedding feast for Daenerys and Khal Drogo, who is painted blue and looks muscular. There's all sorts of riding, dancing, killing, boobs, and weird meat. Viserys is already sick of waiting for an army and shows the Dothraki no respect. Some people die as part of the festivities. We meet Ser Jorah Mormont who wants to help the Targaryens win back their throne. Dany is gifted three dragon eggs that are so old, they have turned to stone, allegedly. The dragons have been gone for years (just like teh white walkers). Khal Drogo gives a very sexy white horse as a gift and they ride off to the sea. Drogo bends Daenerys over and she cries. There is clearly no time for foreplay, unless you count the crying. We see her boobs again.
Episode 2: The KingsroadSPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.
The Dothraki horde is on the move but their Khaleesi (Daenerys) is not. She is sick of eating horse meat. It becomes clear that she's not enjoying the whole marital rape thing either, but Ser Jorah says that it'll get easier. Apparently she's finding both types of riding difficult as she has to be pulled from her horse and carried inside. Viserys is hanging around to make sure that Drogo holds up his end of the bargain.
Tyrion wakes up in a shed full of dogs. Joffrey is standing over him making japes. Today, they ride for King's Landing. Tyrion tells Joffrey he should go and offer his prayers to Lord and Lady Stark as that is what is expected of him. He slaps Joffrey for the first time and then the second for being an insolent little shit. Then he slaps him a third time for the same reason and heads off to break his fast. He breaks it with his shagging siblings and remaining niece and nephew. They talk of Bran and how he's not going to die which frightens Cersei and Jaime. We learn that Tyrion is heading north with the Night's Watch so that he can stand on top of the wall and piss off the edge of the world.
Cat looks like she's aged as if that were possible. She sits by Bran's bedside. Cersei enters and babbles about losing her child. This makes her seem almost human until we remember she knows what happened Bran. Also, she has sex with her twin brother. She offers her prayers and leaves.
In the blacksmith's Jon Snow is waiting for a sword and encounters Jaime who acts the prick. It doesn't require much effort on his part. Jon is going to the Watch. The sword is for Arya, a thin little sliver of a thing. She calls it Needle. Jon recommends that she stick 'em with the pointy end.
Jon heads up to say goodbye to Bran. Catelyn is a complete bitch to him but Jon says his piece regardless. For reasons beyond his control, it wounds Catelyn worse than what's about to happen to her. She seems to have aged since the last scene. She could be her own grandmother. Ned comes in and Jon leaves. Cat is complaining again because Ned is leaving too. She organized a pity party but didn't invite anyone.
Jon and Robb are saying goodbye to each other. They embrace as the half brothers they are.
Ned and Jon say goodbye. One rides south and the other rides north with a promise from Ned that they will talk about Jon's mother when they meet again.
Robert pisses against a tree as Ned and himself have lunch in the middle of a field. They talk about the old days. Robert has received word that Daenerys has married Drogo and he wants to kill her for fear she goes after his throne. This is the first flashpoint between the two as Ned is against murdering innocent young girls. Robert reckons there's a war coming.
Back in Dothrak, Daenerys gets raped again and she cries. We see her boobs but it's no fun. She stares longingly at her stone dragon eggs.
Jon Snow is sitting beside a river. Tyrion is making fun of his choice to join the Night's Watch as he realizes they'll take absolutely anyone including rapers and thieves. There's no honor. Tyrion reveals what makes him tick and it is the fact that his mind is his weapon. Jon is thoroughly miserable until Tyrion offers him some wine.
Cat is still by Bran's side. She looks miserable too. It seems anyone who is a Stark or married to one needs to look absolutely bereft of joy. Maester Luwin tries to get Cat to be a grown up and run Winterfell but she's still grieving so Robb takes charge. He sees a fire somewhere in the town and leaves. Some guy comes in to kill Bran and Cat protects him by ripping her hands to bloody shreds before the direwolf rips the would-be murderer's throat out and he dies in a pool of his own blood.
Daenerys talks to her hand maids about dragons. The two foreign ones say "It is known" a lot which annoys her. She wants to be alone with the former prostitute with an English accent. Khaleesi decides she wants to learn how to make the Khal happy.
We go to Tyrion and Jon who see the Wall for the first time. It's fuckin' big and extends across the entire country.
Cat walks with a purpose to where Bran fell. She wanders into the tower and takes a look around. One golden hair on the ground is all it takes for her to suspect that there is foul play and the Lannisters are once again involved. She relays this information to Robb, Maester Luwin and Theon Greyjoy (who will become a main character). That's all that Robb needs to declare war on them but Maester Luwin puts him in his place. Cat decides she will ride south to tell Ned herself.
Khaleesi is straddled by her hand maid who is teaching her how to make good sex. She tells Daenerys to climb on top of Drogo and ride him like a horse. Later that day, the Khal comes in with his hair down to his arse and wants to bend her over like a slave. She does as she was taught, rather than what she was told and they both have a good time. For once, Daenerys keeps her clothes on.
Sansa wanders aimlessly around a town with her direwolf in toe. She meets some scary men and a queer little boy, Joffrey. He has a chin that looks like it was molded with putty and effeminate features. He attempts to get Sansa drunk and then shows off to her by picking on Arya and her little friend by cutting him with his sword. In retaliation, Arya's wolf attacks Joffrey and he begs like a little girl to be spared. Arya runs and sends her wolf away to save her from execution.
Later that night Arya is found and brought directly before the King. Ned is livid as we see from the manner in which he pushes his way through the crowd. Cersei makes up a story to make Joffrey sound like a hero which he clearly is not. Sansa has the opportunity to make everything right and she fails miserably, feigning amnesia among other things. Cersei wants retribution against the beast that savaged her son so orders Sansa's wolf killed by proxy. Ned wishes to kill the wolf as she is of the North.
The Lannisters bring back Arya's friend in a body bag, Ned's kills Sansa's direwolf and Bran opens his previously comatose eyes.
Episode 3: Lord Snow
SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.
We open as the Starks arrive into King's Landing for the first time. Ned is immediately requested at a meeting and he refuses to change his clothes while shooting the messenger a death stare.
Ned has another run in with Jaime who tells Ned that the King shits and the hand wipes. Apparently the bad blood is there because Jaime didn't stop Ned's brother and father from being tortured. And the fact that he's a bit of a complete bollox to boot, probably.
At the small council meeting, we encounter some very interesting characters. Renly who is Roberts younger brother, Petyr Baelish, nicknamed Littlefinger who once vied for Catelyn's affection (probably when she looked younger than 90), Lord Varys the eunuch, and Grand Maester Pycelle. The crown is in debt because Robert is a bad king.
Joffrey is being tended to by his mummy and, were there a such thing as plastic surgery, he would be going under the knife. He's making a mountain out of a mole hill. He doesn't want to do anything nice for Sansa and thinks there should be a royal army. You get the sense he would be an evil dictator king. And a dick in general. Cersei and he agree that everyone who isn't them is an enemy.
Arya practices stabbing Joffrey while Sansa protects his honour. Up in her room Arya accidentally-on-purpose shows Ned her sword. Ned is worried for everyone's safety because winter is coming so he agrees to let Arya keep her sword and also says that she will get lessons.
Bran is forced to listen to the incessant ramblings of Old Nan and he has no problem telling her to shut her old, wrinkly face. She tells him a scary story and it makes him jump when Robb enters. He ridicules Old Nan after she's left. Bran doesn't remember anything. He thinks he fell. He'll never walk again and would rather be dead which is a delightful way for a 10 year old boy to feel.
Catelyn has arrived in King's Landing and is recognized immediately. She is brought to a whore house and we see some boobs. It's Littlefinger's brothel. Lord Varys was the one who knew she was coming. Knowledge is his profession apparently. He has spies everywhere. The dagger that was used in the attempt to kill Bran was Littlefinger's until he lost it to Tyrion Lannister in a bet. That's what he says anyway.
We are at Castle Black on the wall and Jon is taking names and breaking noses. The rapers and thieves are no match for him. Tyrion is getting to know the Lord Commander.
Ned gets the news of Bran and also of his wife's arrival in Winterfell. He goes to Littlefinger's brothel and almost kills him with a chokehold. Littlefinger is up to something it would seem, and he's the only one who knows what it is.
Jon is about to get his throat slit by his new brothers until Tyrion comes in and saves him. It seems Jon has acquired the mocking nickname, Lord Snow. Jon is angry because no one told him what a complete shithole the wall is. Tyrion drops a knowledge bomb on Jon that changes his way of thinking and Jon finds out Bran has woken.
Catelyn swears that Littlefinger would never betray her trust and calls him a true friend.
Cersei and Jaime are worried vis-a-vis the Bran situaton. Jaime gets slapped by his sister and apparently he likes it.
Ned sends Catelyn off on the road again and they see each other for the last time.
Robert is drunk and rambling about killing people. He makes japes at his wife's cousin Lancel who is his cup bearer. Jaime comes in and they talk more on their first kill and about how Jaime killed the previous king, earning him the nickname Kingslayer.
Back to the Dothraki horde, Daenerys is asking questions. She orders the entire horde to stop as she's starting to feel like a Khaleesi which really gets on Viserys tits. He doesn't like taking orders from her and pulls a sword on her. One of the Khal's blood riders nearly kills Viserys and sadly doesn't. Viserys isn't getting much respect from any direction and is forced to walk, an insult.
Back at Castle Black Jon ascends the wall for the first time. His uncle Benjen wanted to be there when he saw beyond the wall for the first time. Benjen is journeying out beyond the wall that morning and he won't bring Jon. He shows him some tough love (as if he needs any more of it) and that they'll speak when he returns. This conversation never happens, along with a previous promised conversation between Jon and his father.
Tyrion is inside speaking of eating bears ball and Dornish girls with Yoren, the recruiter for the Knights Watch. Benjen comes in and knocks him down a peg as if that were possible. Benjen is very worried about what's North of the wall. Yoren and Tyrion decide to share the road to King's Landing.
Daenerys is learning some Dothraki. Her breasts are also getting fuller. She's got a baby horse inside her. We learn that Jorah's father is a man of honour and word is leaked that the Khaleesi does not bleed for two moons. She eats goat tonight and Ser Jorah mysteriously disappears somewhere.
Jon is making some friends in the Watch by not giving the lads as bad a beat down. More wildlings are coming south running from the white-walkers. Maester Aemon and Lord Commander Mormont begs Tyrion to spare more men for the Wall. (Penny drops: Commander Mormont is Ser Jorah's father)
Daenerys is naked again but we see nothing worthwhile. She claims she's got a boy in her belly which makes the Khal happy.
Tyrion finally pisses off the top of the wall with no sign of stage fright as Jon Snow watches. Jon asks him to stop in Winterfell and give Bran his regards. They part as friends having met as enemies.
Arya meets Syrio Forrell, her dancing master and possibly the greatest character in any tv show ever. Just so. Arya will not know how to use a sword, she will be a sword. Ned looks on with pride that turns to worry for the future because he had already used up his allotted eight seconds of pride/happiness for this episode. We assume that a war is coming.
Episode 4: Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things
SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.
We are in a dream because Bran is standing up practicing his archery. There's a crow ca-cawing like a mad bastard and generally making a scene. It could be a raven but we know it's a crow, a three-eyed crow. Bran wakes up next to Old Nan, every man's nightmare. Theon Greyjoy comes in and calls Old Nan an old bat. We meet Hodor for the first time. All he can say is Hodor and all he can do is carry Bran.
Robb is being a prized dick to Tyrion. Tyrion helps a brother out by giving Bran a gift (blueprints to a custom made cripples saddle) while also being inadvertently sarcastic. It looks like Bran will be able to ride again because Tyrion has a tender spot in his heart for cripples, bastards and broken things. Robb changes tune but Tyrion smacks him down.
Theon tells Tyrion he should bone Ros. He already has in episode one. They talk of the past and how Theon is now a ward of Winterfell due to a failed rebellion by his family. Sounds like Tyrion is going to give Ros a royal seeing-to.
Back at the watch, Lord Snow is teaching the lads how to fight when this fat, pussy boy walks in with all the confidence of a dead pigeon. He gets a right beating on the Commander's orders and Jon hammers the shite out of them all in order to protect Sam, the new kid. Jon drops some knowledge on him but it turns out he's a full blown coward. And one with daddy issues to boot. It seems every one has daddy issues here.
The Dothraki are still on the move but have finally arrived at their destination, Vaes Dothrak. Mormont is back and Viserys is mouthing off like the self important little shit that he thinks he is. Daenerys is finally realizing that he has little-to-no brain. Mormont is telling his story of selling slaves because he had an expensive wife.
Viserys is getting a bath from a whore. He tells the history of his family and how they lost the iron throne. Talk of dragon skulls seem to turn both of them on and reciting dead dragons names even more so. Viserys calls the whore a pretty little idiot and she goes at him while he sulks.
Sansa is worrying about only having girl babies. That is literally her biggest worry because everyone would hate her. That might happen anyway, Sansa love. She finds out her uncle and grandfather were murdered in the room she's in and says she'll never forgive her father.
Ned is under pressure. The place is going buck ape for the Hand's tourney. Drunken horse races and stabbings. Littlefinger salivates at how much money his brothels will make from the crowds. Ned stops Pycelle to speak on Jon Arryn. Apparently, he came to Pycelle for counsel a lot. He inquired after a book and Ned decides he want to read it: The Lineages and Histories of the Great Houses of the Seven Kingdoms. They speak on the death again and Jon Arryn's phrase that he repeated before his death: The seed is strong. Ned floats the idea of poison. Pycelle reckons it's not likely. Poison is a woman's weapon. Pycelle floats his own theory that it's also a eunuch's weapon, Lord Varys being the resident eunuch.
Outside, Arya is balanced on one foot. She's practicing for Syrio. She wants Bran to come live with them and doesn't want to be a Lady. She gets back to standing on one foot.
On the Wall, Jon Snow and Samwell Tarly speak. Turns out Sam doesn't see all that well and is afraid of heights on top of being a craven. Sam's father told him that he would have to take the black or he would arrange for him to die.
Littlefinger knows about Ned's reading habits. He's spilling little secrets to Ned and pointing out spys. He gives him a couple of people to visit. Littlefinger also suggests that distrusting him was the wisest thing that Ned had done since he got off his horse.
Ned goes to visit one of these people, a blacksmith. It was Gendry that Jon Arryn was interested in, a big, strong, black haired chap who Ned pegs as Robert's bastard.
Robert is drunk and whore-mongering again which Jaime, as acting doorman, is none too happy about. Jaime and Jory (Ned's right hand man) talk on battles gone by but Jory doesn't get his message to King Robert.
Jon tells the lads that they're not going to hurt Sam in training the following day and has to convince one with a direwolf. It works out well until they get a reality check.
Viserys goes off on one. Apparently Daenerys invited him to supper so she gets a fairly serious slap for it. She gives him one back with a gold chain. She threatens to cut off his hands. She's growing a pair of balls as well as a baby.
Jon and Sam are scrubbing a table and we learn that Sam isn't gay, just fat. They're both virgins and the conversation is awkward. Jon almost made it with Ros but couldn't do it because he didn't want to father a bastard, not because he didn't know where to put it as Sam suggests. They wrestle a little, having both been erect seconds earlier. There's more talk about winter. It sounds even scarier than Old Nan suggested as they had to turn to cannibalism to survive beyond the wall.
Daenerys is worried. Mormont tells her what's what with regard to Viserys and the apparent enthusiasm of the people to have him as king. Daenerys realizes that Viserys will never take them home.
Joffrey is giving Sansa the cold shoulder as Littlefinger introduces himself to her. Robert is drunker than usual. There's a joust and Jon Arryn's former squire is killed by the Hounds bigger brother, a rather suspicious death. Littlefinger fills us in on the story of the Mountain and the Hound and how the Mountain shoved his brothers face into the burning coals and watched his face melt.
Cersei seeks an audience with Ned to make amends. And then to cause trouble. They both issue casual death threats and she leaves.
Catelyn is at an inn when Tyrion motherfuckin' Lannister walks in. She gives a very long winded speech in order to curry favour with all those in the establishment. She accuses Tyrion of conspiring to murder Bran and many swords are pointed in Tyrion's direction. He is understandably none too pleased.
Episode 5: The Wolf and the LionSPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.
Inside Robert's armour won't fit him because he is too fat. Ned tells him as much and they have a great laugh. Robert tools on Lancel Lannister for a while asking him to get the equivalent of a glass hammer. Robert wants to joust which Ned says is a terrible idea. It's clear that Robert hates being King and we see more and more how bad he is at it. It would seem a great warrior does not make a great King.
Outside at the joust we meet the Knight of the Flowers and he is a dream boat. He's up against the Mountain who killed the squire yesterday. The Knight of the Flowers sorts out the Mountain because his mare was in heat. The Mountain, being a complete nutjob, cuts his horses head clean off and then goes after Ser Loras (Knight of Flowers). The Hound saves his life and we see a gargantuan duel until Robert calls a halt to it.
Back in Winterfell, Theon is being a bit of a dick and Bran is being a lot of a dick. Bran blames his mother for leaving as the words of her house are Family, Duty, Honor.
Theon is giving it to Ros from behind and she's pretending to enjoy it. We see his penis which has to be awkward for Lily Allen (who is his sister in real life). It's clear that Theon thinks he is hot shit. Ros is giving him plenty of lip and he likes it but doesn't want to pay for it. She'll have none of that.
Arya is chasing cats - and failing. Ned is speaking with Varys who imparts some serious knowledge on Ned. He claims to trust Ned as a man of honor. The King faces a doom like Jon Arryn, who was poisoned. According to Varys it was the now-dead squire what done it, because Jon Arryn started asking questions.
Varys and Littlefinger speak in riddles in the Throne Room, two extremely interesting and complex characters. They speak on amputees, cadavers and Varys' balls. They both make not-so-idle threats pegging them as quite dangerous men. Renly, Robert's brother interrupts them.
Arya comes out of a drain pipe looking like a lost, homeless, orphan boy. She tries to re-enter the city but the guards tell her to get lost. She gives them what-for and then tells Ned about what she heard in the dungeons. Yoren, the Night's Watch recruiter, comes in to tell Ned that his wife has taken the imp. This is big news.
At the small council meeting, Robert tells everyone that Daenerys is pregnant and wants everyone dead. The word got to Varys by Ser Jorah Mormont, who it would seem has no loyalty to anyone. Ned isn't afraid of the Dothraki or the Targaryeans because their horses can't swim. Ned is the only one against assassinating innocents and relieves himself of his position as Hand. Robert issues a casual death threat while Ned storms out.
Ned is packing for Winterfell when Littlefinger comes in. He says he will take Ned to the last person Jon Arryn spoke with before he died. Ned agrees.
We meet Lysa Arryn, Catelyn's sister who is even more whiney than Cat. She is breastfeeding her 8 year old son. The son is clearly as touched as his mother. Tyrion gets brought to a sky cell. It's similar to a prison cell, except instead of a fourth wall, it is left open with a couple hundred feet of a drop.
Renly and Ser Loras are half naked together. Loras is shaving Renly's chest which is what all good friends do. Then he goes for the armpits. Loras suggests Renly should be King. We find out that Renly and Robert have an unseen older brother, Stannis. Ser Loras then sucks Renly off, complete with sound effects.
Ned and Littlefinger are in a brothel talking to a whore with bad speaking skills. She has a child who is clearly another of Robert's bastards. We see more boobs and so does Jory. Outside the brothel, they walk directly into a trap set by Jaime. Ned's men are killed, including Jory. There is a duel between Ned and Jaime and some idiot spears Ned in the calf to end the fight. Jaime is not pleased as he was enjoying himself. He rides off and Ned falls over, the spear still through his leg.
Episode 6: Golden CrownSPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.
She is holding her dragon-egg-turned-to stone and decides it would be prudent to place it in a smoking pit of white-hot coals. She goes to pick it back up after a few seconds and there's not a mark on her hands but her hand maid gets absolutely scalded trying to save her. It's strange.
Bran is dreaming of a three-eyed crow again. Hodor burst in with his new saddle but for some reason doesn't say Hodor. Outside Bran is now riding and Theon is telling Robb he should go to war with the Lannisters when they realize that Bran has disappeared. He's away in the woods and gets set upon by four wildlings. Robb eventually kills a couple and Theon comes along to help finish them off. They take one alive.
Tyrion is in the sky cell and is apparently a heavy and sleeper as he nearly rolls straight off the edge. He tries to offer the idiot turn key gold.
Syrio and Arya are supposed to be practicing but Arya doesn't want to. Syrio tells her what's what as usual and drops knowledge bombs all over the place.
Daenerys is kneeling with a mouth covered in blood. She's eating an entire horse heart raw. The Dothraki are loving it and chanting. She finishes it and very nearly brings it all back up - but doesn't. It's impressive. She's shouting at the people and they seem to love that and love her. Viserys is a jealous little bitch and disappears. He goes to her tent to steal the dragon eggs but Jorah doesn't allow him.
Tyrion is pleading with the turn key again. He's quite desperate this time. All he wants is for him to deliver a message to Lysa Arryn and he will give him a lot of gold. He wishes to confess his crimes. In the chamber he confesses every crime he's ever committed - but nothing about Bran or Jon Arryn. He is seeking the King's Justice - a trial by combat. He demands a champion to fight, his brother Jaime. This is denied so he looks for a volunteer. Bronn steps up, knowing how much money he could make.
The King is out hunting with Renly, his King's Guard and Lancel Lannister to keep him filled up with wine. Renly and Robert argue.
Ned is on the throne listening to sob stories. It sounds like the Mountain is going around laying waste to towns slaughtering innocents. Ned sentences Ser Gregor Clegane to death and wants Tywin Lannister to come to King's Landing to answer for his crimes. It's a very bold strategy which will most likely result in someone dying.
Back at the Eyrie, Bronn fights without honor and lives. Tyrion is untied, gives all his gold to the turn key and walks out with Bronn.
Sansa is giving lip again. Joffrey comes in at the height of her rudeness and she lights up. He has behaved monstrously and gets her a gift. He says he'll never disrespect her again, never be cruel to her again. They kiss.
Theon is out riding and sees Ros is leaving. She's making the smart move and going to King's Landing because there's a war coming. She shows Theon her lady nest for a coin.
Ned is sending his girls home. Neither now want to leave. Arya wants to stay for Syrio and Sansa for Joffrey. The penny drops for Ned when Sansa says that Joffrey is nothing like Robert, his father. He goes back to his big book that he got from Pycelle. All the Baratheons throughout the ages have had black hair as do all of Robert's bastards - but none of his children with Cersei.
The Dothraki are having another party and people are naked and dancing. Viserys comes in drunk off his ass looking for his sister. He's like that drunk uncle at a wedding. He pulls his sword, which is not allowed. The Dothraki can't shed blood in this sacred city. Viserys holds a sword to Daenerys belly and threatens to kill the baby unless he gets his army.
Drogo says he'll get his army or at least that's what Daenerys tells him. Viserys is positively beaming until someone breaks his arm. He's screaming about how he wants his crown. Drogo melts down some of his gold and pours it over Viserys head - a crown for a king. He dies instantly.
Episode 7: You Win or You Die
SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.
We are in an army tent. Jaime is reading Ned's note to Tywin Lannister who we are meeting for the first time. He is ripping a deer apart. Also, Jaime. Tywin is clearly a hard ass. He's giving Jaime 30,000 men to bring Tyrion back, not because he cares for Tyrion but for the reputation of the Lannister name and House. Tywin wants to leave behind a dynasty and he wants Jaime to lead the charge. Jaime looks rather uncertain as to whether he is up to the task.
Cersei comes out to the courtyard to talk to Ned. Ned, being an honorable idiot, tells Cersei he knows that herself and Jaime have been keeping their bloodline pure by rutting like pigs for years. Cersei didn't hate Robert, she loved him but he loved Lyanna Stark. Ned tells Cersei that he will tell Robert the truth when he returns from the hunt and for Cersei to go as far away as she can. You can tell this won't end well. Probably for Ned even though he has all the aces.
Littlefinger is in his brothel where two of his whores are practicing on each other, both naked as their respective name days. One is Ros who has clearly made it to King's Landing in good shape. Littlefinger tells them they're doing it all wrong. He tells them it's their job to make men forget that they just paid for sex. This is where we see the cold, calculated Littlefinger as he allows these two whores inside his world a little as they fiddle around inside each other.We hear of his past with Catelyn and his plans for the future. Only by admitting what we are can we get what we want and Lord Petyr Baelish wants everything there is. To do this he is willing to fuck everyone.
Back at Winterfell, we see the wildling girl. Theon is acting the prick again, making himself sound better than he is. The wildling girl clearly has a brain and gives him plenty of cheek. She looks like she just stumbled out of a tumble dryer and Theon still wants to fuck her. The wildling girl is very afraid of what lays beyond the Wall. The Whitewalkers are sleeping no longer.
Sam misses girls from atop the Wall when a horse returns without a rider. It's Benjen Stark's horse.
Renly returns from the hunt looking grief stricken. Robert is abed telling Joffrey he's going to die and Joff is putting on his best horrified face. Ned enters and Robert tells him it was a boar that did it because he was too drunk. He knows he's going to die and wants to talk to Ned alone. He has Ned write down his will, who gets creative with the wording so that Joffrey might never become King. Ned is to rule after Robert's death. He also wants Daenerys to live if it's not too late.
Outside Varys is again smelling a rat, and this rat again looks like a lion. Varys also says that Daenerys is most likely dead already.
We see that she is not. She is arguing with her husband in Dothraki which she is now fluent in. He has no interest in taking the iron throne for her. She goes to the market and is asking more questions of Ser Jorah. He leaves again, to see if he has any letter coming his way and there is. He has received a royal pardon and can go home.
A wine merchant is trying to sell wine to the Khaleesi. When he realizes who she is, he goes to get his special wine. Ser Jorah looks on from afar. He decides he wants to try some of the wine but wants the wine merchant to try it first. The would-be assassin runs but doesn't get very far.
At the Night's Watch, the new recruits are going to become brothers, Men of the Night's Watch. Jon Snow knows he's going to be a ranger but just wants his uncle back. Sam decides now is a good time to switch religions. Jon gets named as a Steward. He is none too fucking happy about it and says as much. He will be serving the Lord Commander as a glorified servant. Jon doesn't realize that he is being groomed for command of the Night's Watch but Sam tells him.
At King's Landing, Renly wants to speak to Ned. He wishes to take the throne by force so that Cersei doesn't. Ned wishes to do everything honorably but Renly wants to be King. Robert still isn't dead. He sends Stannis a letter to let him know what's going on when Littlefinger enters the room. It seems everyone knows that Ned has been named Lord Protector of the Realm. He tells Littlefinger that Joffrey is inbred, which Littlefinger doesn't seem surprised by. He tells Ned he'd be a fool not to let Joffery succeed, wed Sansa to him and make peace with the Lannisters. Everyone is after a slice of the action, it seems. Ned refuses his advances but does ask him for help in another way - asking him to pay off the Gold Cloaks to be on his side.
Jon and Sam head out beyond the Wall to say their words to the old gods. Just after they finish saying their words, Ghost, Jon's direwolf, comes back with a human hand.
Daenerys and Ser Jorah are talking again about how King Robert still wants to kill Daenerys. Jorah gets a free horse for his troubles and Khal Drogo absolutely goes off on one proclaiming that he will give Daenerys her iron chair by killing men in iron suits and tearing down stone house and raping women. It's almost as inspiring as the Haka before an All Blacks game.
Robert is dead and King Joffrey and the Queen Regent request Ned's presence in the Throne Room. Littlefinger tells Ned that the Gold Cloaks are his but that Renly fled the city with all of his men. Inside, Joff is sitting on the throne as Ned limps in. He wishes to be crowned within the fortnight. Ned produced his letter from Robert which Cersei subsequently wipes her ass with. Ned tells everyone Joffrey is a bastard and commands the Gold Cloaks to seize the Queen and her son. Of course, they turn on Ned and butcher his men which is becoming another unfortunate common theme. Littlefinger seizes Ned and says that he did warn Ned not to trust him.
Episode 8: The Pointy End
Syrio and Arya are practicing, oblivious to the slaughter around them. Every man with a heartbeat is getting speared. Sansa is complaining as usual and her maid saves her life by telling her to run away. She gets mercilessly slaughtered too, presumably. Syrio teaches Arya her final lesson, that watching is not seeing and then he saves her life while sacrificing himself. He does a fantastic job of it too, brushing some casual racism aside in the process. Sansa is taken by the Hound (not sexually) and Arya finds Needle just in time to kill a little fat boy.
Ned is tied up in a dungeon, where Varys visits him. Arya has escaped the castle and is flying under the radar and Sansa is in the Queen's custody but everyone else is dead. Everyone. He tells Ned he's an idiot and that Robert didn't die because he was drunk. Ned is a dead man, as the Imp can no longer be used as leverage. Varys serves the realm and no one else which makes him very dangerous.
Back at the Wall, two dead man are brought back from beyond the wall. They're not rotting but they don't want to burn the bodies yet. Maester Aemon needs to take a look at them first which is somewhat counter productive considering he is blind. The news from King's Landing arrives and Jon Snow is none too pleased when he learns that Ned has been charged with treason. He's ready to ride south which he is warned against. Desertion means death even though he only said his words the night before.
Sansa is pleading in front of the Queen and Small Council. She's pathetic even for a child. She's made to write a letter to Robb and Cat to tell them to keep the King's peace. Robb calls his banners and Theon gets a boner. There's going to be a war.
Catelyn hears about all of this and her nephew is mad for a bit of nipple. She will receive no help from her sister who is clearly a crazy person.
Bronn and Tyrion are not getting along very well wandering through the lands of the hill tribes. They get attacked by one of these hill tribes and as is Tyrion's modus operandi, he befriends them with promises of gold and also some humor.
Jon is losing the head on the Wall. He's awake at night when he ventures outside on his direwolf's command. Their dead men are alive again and mounting an attack on Lord Commander Mormont. Jon kills them (again?) with fire, burning a hand badly in the process. It's scary shit.
The Dothraki are laying waste to a town, raping and killing and taking slaves. The Khaleesi saves some of the women which goes completely against the Dothraki way. She doesn't make any friends and Khal Drogo has to rip out one of his friends throats to make a point that it's hoes before bros in his case. He gets wounded in the process but it's nothing. One of the women (named Mirri Maz Dur) Daenerys saves offers to clean the Khal's wound and Daenerys foolishly agrees.
Robb is having trouble keeping his banner-men happy. He shows impressive leadership by allowing his direwolf to rip off two of the Great John Umber's fingers. Robb leaves Bran behind because there must always be a Stark at Winterfell as he heads south to save Ned. The wildling girl (Osha) interrupts Bran who is praying in the Godswood. She holds the same gods as him and believes but the old gods have no powers in the South. We see Hodor's penis and a pretty impressive bum shot. Osha is worried about what's beyond the Wall. She think's that Robb is marching the wrong way.
We go to the Wall. Sam says the dead men were touched by whitewalkers and fire is the only thing that will kill them. These whitewalkers are sounding scarier and scarier.
Catelyn meets Robb at camp. She looks thoroughly miserable as usual. If they can't defeat the Lannisters in the field, everybody dies.
Tyrion is marching with his hill tribes and sell sword to his father's camp. He is only learning for the first time about all the news from when Robert died. Tywin decides that the hill tribes will fight for him and he will give them all that Tyrion has promised. They will agree to this only if Tyrion fights too. Tyrion shits his undersized small clothes.
The men of the North are arguing over the best strategy. They've found a Lannister spy who Robb allows to leave with his life and a message for Lord Tywin. Robb's banner-men are none to pleased, the Great John's frustration apparent once more.
Tywin Lannister has been appointed Hand of the King and Ser Barristan Selmy is relieved of his position as head of the King's Guard, with Jaime taking his place. He is not a happy Knight. Although he is old, he feels he has something left in the tank. Sansa pleads for her father's life. On her knees. Joffrey is going to need a confession from Ned before he will grant mercy. Sansa reckons she will get both.
Episode 9: BaelorSPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.
Robb needs to cross a river and only one man has the power to allow his army to cross. He is willing to do whatever it takes, so he sends his mother in to negotiate with the old man. His name is Walder Frey and he has fathered dozens of bastards and married almost as many women. At the moment he's banging a 15 year old.
Jon Snow gets presented with a sword by the Lord Commander as a thank you for saving his life. It's a beauty. It was supposed to be given to Jorah Mormont but he brought dishonor on the family. Everyone's very proud of Jon. Samwell Tarly fills Jon in that Robb is marching to war and suddenly Jon wants to leave the Wall. He is torn between family and honor.
Catelyn is back safe. The negotiations didn't go mightily well. Some small stipulations were made and a big one whereby Robb has to marry one of Lord Walder's daughters. They're quite repulsive but Robb decides it is worth it to cross the river. Theon Greyjoy sniggers throughout finding the entire situation quite comical.
Back on the Wall, Maester Aemon tells Jon not to become a deserter. It turns out that Maester Aemon is a Targaryan and could have been King. He had a difficult decision to make himself when Robert took the throne but he chose duty.
Our other surviving Targaryan is worried about her husband. He falls from his horse. A Khal that can no longer ride is no Khal. She wants Mirri Maz Duur. The Khalasar and in particular the bloodriders are suitably unimpressed.
Tyrion is not happy that his father is making him fight at the vanguard. He goes back to his tent where Bronn has taken him a foreign prostitute. Her name is Shae and we see her boobs. We can only imagine that Tyrion sees much more.
The Khaleesi is in denial. Khal Drogo is dying and she needs to flee. Ser Jorah tells her as much. Daenerys decides to let Mirri Maz Duur perform blood magic on Khal Drogo so she unloads the contents of his horses throat on him. It's pretty scary shit. The Khalasar are not too happy. Ser Jorah has to kill one of them but Daenerys goes into labor from all of the excitement.
Bronn, Tyrion, and Shae are playing a drinking game. It's basically truth or dare. These are three great characters. We find out that Tyrion was once married to a whore, a cruel joke by his father and brother. Tywin brought in Tyrion's wife and made him watch as all of his soldiers fucked her one by one. Shae starts to make sweet love to Tyrion which Bronn takes as his cue to leave. In the morning, there's a huge panic. Robb's men are a mile away. Tyrion gets knocked out cold before the battle and misses the entire thing but he does a great job as commander of the hill tribes.
Robb played a clever trick, splitting his host, confusing the Lannisters and taking Jaime Lannister as his prisoner in the process. On the negative side, he sent 2,000 men to their deaths. He is torn on this but resolute about going to save his father.
In King's Landing, Arya is chasing pigeons for her supper. The bell is tolling and everyone is going the same direction. Ned is getting his day out. It is reminiscent of what Jesus went through on Good Friday or Mel Gibson in Braveheart. He confesses to his treason for the sake of Sansa, betraying his honor. Joffrey seems pleased at Ned's fealty. He seems to be ready to send Ned to the Night's Watch but instead asks for Ned's head which Ilyn Payne promptly delivers. The main characters are dropping like flies.
Episode 10: Fire & Blood
We resume seconds after the end of the last episode. Yoren has Arya and is talking her away as Sansa faints. Yoren cuts off Arya's hair and tells her he's bringing her north with the rest of the Night's Watch.
Bran is dreaming of the three eyed crow again. He tells Osha of his dream and they go to the crypts to make sure that Ned isn't there, as Bran's dream suggests. He isn't there but Rickon and his direwolf are. He had the same dream. They receive the news shortly after.
As do all of Robb's host and Robb and Catelyn. Robb is furious and Cat is grief stricken. They embrace and Robb swears revenge through the tears.
Joffrey is listening to a singer play a song about Robert getting killed by the boar. Joffrey, being a kind King, allows him to choose between losing his fingers or his tongue. Ser Ilyn takes his tongue. Joffrey brings Sansa for a walk to show her Ned's head on a spike, while also telling her that he plans on putting a son in her as soon as she has her first blood. He has one of his men slap her quite hard across the face a couple of times.
The north men are trying to decide a course of action. Robb will not pledge for Renly or Joffrey. No one wants to fight for Stannis either so the Great John decides that Robb should be the King in the North. The rest of the men echo his sentiment, including Theon who also claims Robb as his brother and pledges his sword. It's all quite moving.
Catelyn decides she wants to see Jaime Lannister. He is his typical charming self, even though he is tied to a stake and covered in shit. He offers her his penis and she gives him a rock to the face. He likes it. He also admits to pushing Bran out the window.
Cersei has taken another to her bed, a poorer version of Jaime but still in the family, her cousin Lancel.
Tywin Lannister has learned that Jaime has been taken. He actually likes what Tyrion has to say so he sends him to King's Landing as Hand of the King. He also warns him not to take Shae to court.
Daenerys wakes to the news that she has lost her baby. The child was monstrous, scaled and winged. Mirri Maz Duur tells her as much and Daenerys wants to see what she bought with her son's life in the shape of Khal Drogo's health. The Khalasar has left but for a handful and Drogo is there in body but not mind. We realize that Mirri Maz Duur has exacted her own revenge for being brutally raped among other things. Daenerys then realizes she had not saved Mirri Maz Duur.
Jon is leaving the Night's Watch. Sam tries to stop him but not that hard.
Tyrion is telling Shae that he can't bring her to court and neither of them are too happy, so he decides to break that rule pretty quickly.
Jon is being chased by his brothers. They all speak their words together again until Jon is guilted into going back, choosing duty over family.
Daenerys nurses Drogo, bathing him and reminiscing on the short time they had together. She straddles him as if she is going to take him by force, but instead smothers him, weeping as she does so. Drogo doesn't put up a fight.
Grand Maester Pycelle appears to be talking to himself but it turns out he's actually been shagging everyones favorite whore, Ros. She washes her vagina out while he rambles on. He senses greatness on the horizon for Joffrey and Ros is thoroughly bored, almost to death. He then jumps up and stretches in his see-through nightgown and heads off to the Small Council, pretending to be more crippled than he is.
Littlefinger and Varys are speaking in front of the throne again, in riddles. Littlefinger asks about Varys castration, picturing a gash between his legs.
Arya has short hair now and her name is Arry. She's a boy now too. She will be travelling with bad company, the pick of the dungeons. She gets picked on and fights back with the help of King Robert's bastard who was the armorers apprentice, Gendry. They head off for the Wall, the plan being to leave Arya in Winterfell along the way.
Lord Commander Mormont knows that Jon attempted to leave the previous night but isn't going to do anything about it. He gets a reality check as to what matters and what doesn't. They will be going out beyond the Wall the next day, Jon included, to see what is happening beyond the Wall after many disturbing reports.
Drogo lies atop his funeral pyre, ready to be burned. Daenerys has her dragon eggs placed beside him and Mirri Maz Duur tied to a stake nearby. Ser Jorah tells Daenerys he will not watch her burn on the pyre and she reassures him. Mirri Maz Duur swears she will not scream but she does, just as Daenerys swore she would not climb into the funeral pyre and she does, walking through the rings of fire towards Drogo. No one attempts to stop her.
They awaken and the fire has burned out. Ser Jorah goes to survey the destruction and sees a fully naked but alive Daenerys sitting among the wreckage. Sucking at her teats and climbing all over her are three dragons. It is a "Holy fuck" moment far bigger than Ned Stark losing his head and the season ends with the dragons screaming.