Game of Thrones: Episode 1 & 2

Episode 1: Winter Is Coming

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

The first scene opens with three very determined looking men sitting atop horses as a gate rises in front of them. One is a seasoned veteran of whatever-it-is these men are about to do. Another, the leader and riding in the middle is younger and obviously an obnoxious little shit (you can just tell, can't you?). The third looks like a zombiefied, hooded Michael Cera.

They ride out through a tunnel and into a world that resembles the inside of a freezer that hasn't received the proper maintenance  This world looks cold as we can see from the fact that these men are wearing twenty pounds of fur on their shoulders. The horses are obviously immune to it though.

As is standard practice for a trio who head out into an ice kingdom on a dangerous quest, they split up. Zombie Michael Cera is shown spooked out of his tiny mind by some incessant whimpering and promptly goes to investigate. And by promptly I mean crawling slowly along the ground leaving a trail of yellow snow in his wake. He rises over the crest and peers down into the clearing where there are more dismembered bodies that you would find in suitcases in your average canal. He stands up horrified, trying to summon strength in his legs to run away. As he turns around he sees a porcelain doll with chapped lips nailed to a tree. He scurries away to tell the other two.

Mr. Pompous McShitbag listens to Michael Cera's story of wildings and decides that he is more man than these dismembered frozen people. They go back to investigate against the wishes of Cera and the seasoned vet. It is at this point that you hope that McShitbag dies a horrible death. You expect it a little bit too. He's been put there for you to hate. They get back to the clearing with the dismembered folk. Except there's no dismembered folk. We get the usual suspense and spine tingling wonder of how everyone is going to die. Michael Cera is sent on his own to find the people and as soon as he goes a giant white 7 ft 10 monster appears and kills McShitbag.

Then Cera sees the porcelain doll except this time she's not nailed to a tree - she's alive.
Cera and the vet run for their lives (not that they'll have them for long) and end up in roughly the same area. Cera looks up on time to see the seasoned vet stopped to catch breath when the giant white monster appears and slices through his neck as if it was butter that had been left out in the sun.

We then hum our way through the theme tune.

Immediately after, Cera is running through the same hills that all the battles take place in Braveheart. It's clearly warmer here but not by much. He gets caught.

We go to Winterfell. Some lads are practicing archery in front of who we assume are their parents. We eventually find out these lads are Bran, his brother Robb and their bastard brother Jon Snow, all sons of the Lord of Winterfell. Bran is clearly shit at archery but has delusions of grandeur as all young noblemen tend to.

Inside the girls are sewing. The younger one longs to be outside. This is Arya. She heads outside to show the boys how it's done by shooting a bulls-eye straight over Bran's shoulder and they chase each other. The Lord of Winterfell, Eddard is informed that a deserter of the Night's Watch has been caught and he tells his wife that Winter is Coming in an utterance that makes your scrotum ascend into your stomach.

Back in the hills Cera is babbling like a mad man. He has a moment of clarity before Ned (Lord Eddard of House Stark to you) lops off his head like it was the top of a carrot. Bran watches. Ned tells Bran that the man who passes the sentence should swing the sword, which will come back to fuck shit up for Ned. No one believes the Whitewalkers are back as they've been gone for thousands of years.

On the way back to Winterfell the group of men and boys (all are vital to the story but we haven't been formally introduced to any but Bran and Ned) come across a gigantic dead wolf with 5 pups. Jon Snow suggests that the Starks keep the cubs and raise them as their own. He then finds a white one for himself and we can assume that he is a bastard, hated by his mother and shunned by this society.

We move to Kings Landing. The bells are tolling and we see that someone important is dead. This is where we meet Cersei and Jaime Lannister, the golden haired Adonises with perfect cheek bones and long flowing manes that Goldilocks would be jealous of. Cersei can best be described as the evil twin of Lucilla from the movie Gladiator. You know, if Lucilla liked to have sex with her brother. Actually, scratch that, she is the female version of Commodus in the same movie, complete with that same rapey look that makes them both terrifying and intriguing in equal measure. Jaime would make a prettier woman. They imply that they were complicit in the death of Jon Arryn, the man lying on the table downstairs with googly-eyed stones placed over his real eyes and weird, medieval nuns dancing around him.

We journey back up North to Winterfell. We see Cat and Ned in the Godswood and apparently winter is not the only thing that is coming. So is the King. To Winterfell. Ned spends all of eleven seconds grieving over the man who was like a father to him before turning his attention to the kings visit and what it might mean. We are also told that Jon Arryn was married to Catelyn's sister and they have a son. A big feast needs to be prepared. There is talk of Lord Tyrion whose reputation as a bookworm and a drunken lech precede him.

Catelyn berates Bran for his climbing exploits although he is obviously better at it than he is with a bow and arrow. Fuckin' ten year olds. She instructs him to run and find his father as the King is close. Arya is running around with a helmet on. She's a feisty little scut. The kings entourage rolls in complete with the hound, Joffrey and others who we will meet later. The King rides in on horse back and dismounts.

The King is a fat lump of shite. He looks angry and judging by his red nose he is either not accustomed to the cold of the north or he is a raging alcoholic. The latter is confirmed before too long. As an ice breaker, he tells Ned he got fat and they embrace as if they were brothers - which they almost were. But that's jumping ahead but about 30 seconds. It's been 9 years since they've seen each other and all the King wants to do is pay his respects to their dead.

Ned and King Robert go down to the crypt and speak on Jon Arryn's death. Rather than asking Ned to be his new Hand, he announces it to him while also proclaiming they will join their houses by marrying Ned's daughter Sansa to his son, Joffrey, the weasel faced little bollocks. That is the end of that conversation as Robert storms off.

We move to Jaime strolling around the red-light district of town. There's women moaning all around. He has a look on his face that says that he's above all of that. He's not looking for a prostitute but a cute hoor, his little brother. It is now that we meet Tyrion and see our first pair of  bouncing boobs. They belong to Ros who will become our favorite woman-who-sells-her-body-for-money in the coming seasons.

Tyrion is a dwarf. He has his mouth wrapped around a sizable jug of wine and Ros has hers wrapped around his (we assume less-than-sizable) cock. They retire to the bed on time for Jaime to come in and present Tyrion with a plethora of naked ladies who he has paid to have sex with Tyrion in the hope that he will keep him company at the feast later.

Robert is being a little bitch about losing Ned's sister and says he wants to kill the rest of the Targaryens.

We move to who we presume are the Targaryens. Daenerys is a very pretty, white haired, unblemished beauty and the other, Viserys, looks like a snake with a Lucius Malfoy wig on. One of the very first things he does is to undress his sister. This makes him an uncomfortable character from the get-go. She makes no move to stop him out of fear of the consequences. He threatens her to not wake the dragon and leaves. Daenerys hops into some piping hot water despite an empty and pathetic attempt by her hand maid to stop her.

Later that day, Deanerys wears a see through dress and waits for Khal Drogo to inspect her. Should he find her aesthetically pleasing, they will marry and Viserys will acquire the army he so badly craves in order to take his throne back from Robert. Khal Drogo arrives on horse back (the Dothraki are horse lords you see) and does a few donuts as he inspects his potential bride. He rides off as quickly as he rode in and Viserys in none too impressed. Apparently Khal Drogo is however, and that is all that matters. Dany makes her lack of feelings for Drogo public, only for Viserys to tell her that he would let Khal Drogo's whole tribe fuck her, along with their horses if he got an army. It's clear just how much she means to him.

We hear Sansa's pandering for the first time. She wants to marry Joffrey more than anything but is afraid she isn't good enough. Meanwhile, the feast is in full swing and Robert is groping everything in sight (food, wine, women) in full view of his less-than-adoring wife. Jon Snow is outside venting his frustrations when his uncle Benjen of the Night's Watch arrives. He wasn't allowed at the feast but Benjen said he'd be welcomed into the Watch. As Benjen leaves Tyrion enters, trying to get his drink on. They talk of beings bastards and imps and Tyrion lays some advice on Jon that he should wear being a bastard as a badge of honor.

Benjen talks to Ned about what's happening beyond the wall. Sansa attempts to curry favour with the queen who asks her if she's a suitable receptacle for Joffrey's semen yet as if she was making small talk about the weather. Jaime and Ned have a needless run in to show their mutual contempt, and Arya starts a food fight with Sansa which is enough to get her removed from the premises.

The feast is over and Ned and Cat are in bed talking. Maester Luwin enters with news from Catelyn's sister. Apparently Jon Arryn was murdered and she suspects it was them golden haired, lion loving, incestuous, power hungry, perfect specimen. Maester Luwin basically tells Ned to take the job as Hand in order to protect the King and the realm, while Cat thinks only of herself and her children, a running theme in her story.

We are back at the wedding feast for Daenerys and Khal Drogo, who is painted blue and looks muscular. There's all sorts of riding, dancing, killing, boobs, and weird meat. Viserys is already sick of waiting for an army and shows the Dothraki no respect. Some people die as part of the festivities. We meet Ser Jorah Mormont who wants to help the Targaryens win back their throne. Dany is gifted three dragon eggs that are so old, they have turned to stone, allegedly. The dragons have been gone for years (just like teh white walkers). Khal Drogo gives a very sexy white horse as a gift and they ride off to the sea. Drogo bends Daenerys over and she cries. There is clearly no time for foreplay, unless you count the crying. We see her boobs again.

Next morning in Winterfell, Tyrion is hung over like a bad dog but is going hunting with all the lads anyway. Ned has said yes to being Hand and looks positively miserable about it. The men ride off and Bran goes climbing for lack of anything better to do. He hears some panting and moaning from up above. Being 10, he has no idea of the sound a woman makes when she's being plowed like a field by her twin brother. He looks on until Cersei sees him so Jaime decides to throw him from the window of the tower to what he hopes will be his death.

Episode 2: The Kingsroad

SPOILER ALERT: This post is absolutely riddled with spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode, don't blame me.

The Dothraki horde is on the move but their Khaleesi (Daenerys) is not. She is sick of eating horse meat. It becomes clear that she's not enjoying the whole marital rape thing either, but Ser Jorah says that it'll get easier. Apparently she's finding both types of riding difficult as she has to be pulled from her horse and carried inside. Viserys is hanging around to make sure that Drogo holds up his end of the bargain.

Tyrion wakes up in a shed full of dogs. Joffrey is standing over him making japes. Today, they ride for King's Landing. Tyrion tells Joffrey he should go and offer his prayers to Lord and Lady Stark as that is what is expected of him. He slaps Joffrey for the first time and then the second for being an insolent little shit. Then he slaps him a third time for the same reason and heads off to break his fast. He breaks it with his shagging siblings and remaining niece and nephew. They talk of Bran and how he's not going to die which frightens Cersei and Jaime. We learn that Tyrion is heading north with the Night's Watch so that he can stand on top of the wall and piss off the edge of the world.

Cat looks like she's aged as if that were possible. She sits by Bran's bedside. Cersei enters and babbles about losing her child. This makes her seem almost human until we remember she knows what happened Bran. Also, she has sex with her twin brother. She offers her prayers and leaves.

In the blacksmith's Jon Snow is waiting for a sword and encounters Jaime who acts the prick. It doesn't require much effort on his part. Jon is going to the Watch. The sword is for Arya, a thin little sliver of a thing. She calls it Needle. Jon recommends that she stick 'em with the pointy end.

Jon heads up to say goodbye to Bran. Catelyn is a complete bitch to him but Jon says his piece regardless. For reasons beyond his control, it wounds Catelyn worse than what's about to happen to her. She seems to have aged since the last scene. She could be her own grandmother. Ned comes in and Jon leaves. Cat is complaining again because Ned is leaving too. She organized a pity party but didn't invite anyone.

Jon and Robb are saying goodbye to each other. They embrace as the half brothers they are.

Ned and Jon say goodbye. One rides south and the other rides north with a promise from Ned that they will talk about Jon's mother when they meet again.

Robert pisses against a tree as Ned and himself have lunch in the middle of a field. They talk about the old days. Robert has received word that Daenerys has married Drogo and he wants to kill her for fear she goes after his throne. This is the first flashpoint between the two as Ned is against murdering innocent young girls. Robert reckons there's a war coming.

Back in Dothrak, Daenerys gets raped again and she cries. We see her boobs but it's no fun. She stares longingly at her stone dragon eggs.

Jon Snow is sitting beside a river. Tyrion is making fun of his choice to join the Night's Watch as he realizes they'll take absolutely anyone including rapers and thieves. There's no honor. Tyrion reveals what makes him tick and it is the fact that his mind is his weapon. Jon is thoroughly miserable until Tyrion offers him some wine.

Cat is still by Bran's side. She looks miserable too. It seems anyone who is a Stark or married to one needs to look absolutely bereft of joy. Maester Luwin tries to get Cat to be a grown up and run Winterfell but she's still grieving so Robb takes charge. He sees a fire somewhere in the town and leaves. Some guy comes in to kill Bran and Cat protects him by ripping her hands to bloody shreds before the direwolf rips the would-be murderer's throat out and he dies in a pool of his own blood.

Daenerys talks to her hand maids about dragons. The two foreign ones say "It is known" a lot which annoys her. She wants to be alone with the former prostitute with an English accent. Khaleesi decides she wants to learn how to make the Khal happy.

We go to Tyrion and Jon who see the Wall for the first time. It's fuckin' big and extends across the entire country.

Cat walks with a purpose to where Bran fell. She wanders into the tower and takes a look around. One golden hair on the ground is all it takes for her to suspect that there is foul play and the Lannisters are once again involved. She relays this information to Robb, Maester Luwin and Theon Greyjoy (who will become a main character). That's all that Robb needs to declare war on them but Maester Luwin puts him in his place. Cat decides she will ride south to tell Ned herself.

Khaleesi is straddled by her hand maid who is teaching her how to make good sex. She tells Daenerys to climb on top of Drogo and ride him like a horse. Later that day, the Khal comes in with his hair down to his arse and wants to bend her over like a slave. She does as she was taught, rather than what she was told and they both have a good time. For once, Daenerys keeps her clothes on.

Sansa wanders aimlessly around a town with her direwolf in toe. She meets some scary men and a queer little boy, Joffrey. He has a chin that looks like it was molded with putty and effeminate features. He attempts to get Sansa drunk and then shows off to her by picking on Arya and her little friend by cutting him with his sword. In retaliation, Arya's wolf attacks Joffrey and he begs like a little girl to be spared. Arya runs and sends her wolf away to save her from execution.

Later that night Arya is found and brought directly before the King. Ned is livid as we see from the manner in which he pushes his way through the crowd. Cersei makes up a story to make Joffrey sound like a hero which he clearly is not. Sansa has the opportunity to make everything right and she fails miserably, feigning amnesia among other things. Cersei wants retribution against the beast that savaged her son so orders Sansa's wolf killed by proxy. Ned wishes to kill the wolf as she is of the North.

The Lannisters bring back Arya's friend in a body bag, Ned's kills Sansa's direwolf and Bran opens his previously comatose eyes.